Master of Distraction!!!

Life has been extra busy lately!! Just so much on my plate...so much to think about...so many decisions to make...kids...kid's sports...church...working full time...housework....husband...pug....Sometimes I feel like I am in a complete whirlwind. I think, at times, when it get likes this we completely lose touch with who we are and who we are suppose to be.

By this, I mean, we lose our complete purpose of being on this earth. Our complete purpose is to bring Glory to God, and to be his hands and voices extended. The Lord began to show me over the last week, just how the enemy works against us. I have been heavily involved with making the right decision for Trenton regarding middle school. I have really spent a lot of time in prayer seeking the Lord regarding this. I know he is beginning one of many major life transitions, and it cannot be taken lightly. The Lord has given me answers and promises during my prayer time, and has assured me that his way is right and I am to follow as he leads. Okay. The Lord spoke it, it is a done deal...YES!!...not so easy. It has been a real faith battle...I mean I live in the flesh, and everything he has spoken has been in the Spirit realm. I believe everything he says..I mean everything. It doesn't make the fighting the flesh any easier.

This is what the Lord has shown me.....He never changes, His word never changes, His promises never changes, He is and always will be truth...Nothing changes that. So if God never changes, what changes?? US!!!!!! The enemy does not want us to obtain anything the Lord has for us in our lives because if we did, the Lord would get all of the glory, and therefore would change hearts and lives of the people around us!! His tactics are to keep us so tied in knots that we cannot see past our own face. He keeps us so inward focused that we have no time to see past our own situations. I mean, the situations that have already been tagged, A Promise. So if God promises us something, then the right thing to do would be to accept it...and move on. Easy? Nope. If we are not careful we let the little weapon the enemy calls doubt creep in. In such a subtle way we try to figure out how God will do it, When, Where, What, etc. So in the midst of the doubt, there are many missed opportunities to minister outside of ourselves. He keeps us toiling and wondering. Hey! If God promises something, he is always good on his word. The very one who created truth, spoke it. WOW! I am so glad the Lord loves me enough to call me on my flaws, and is loving enough to teach me. Why?

You see, here is the whole situation. I work in a school setting, and I will admit I have spent many days full of anxiety and worry about my children's future. What God began to show me is he has promises for them that he has revealed to me, yet I was still toiling. That was the tactic of the enemy. If he kept me busy worrying about my own life, then I was letting the opportunities pass me by to be Christ to the world that I work in. I mean, opportunities to minister to children who have no one to encourage them, tell them they are worth something, to help them through tragedies of life, to pat them on the back and smile, to meet whatever need they have at that moment, as the Lord leads. SOOO I have determined in myself to push the promises of God, for my own family, into a place in my heart called...ACCEPTANCE...taking God at his word, and counting it DONE. Kind of like a folder in a filing cabinet...Just waiting on the date to arrive to put it in the DONE box, after it manifests physically.

It has been such a freeing experience. I am not going to sit here and say it is going to easy, but I am glad the Lord revealed to me what was truly going on. It is up to me to keep the filing cabinet closed, and my heart open to others around me. God is a God of his word, and he will not lie.



Numbers 23:19

God is not a man, that he should lie,

Nor a son of man, that he should repent,

Has he said, will he not do?

Or has he spoken, and will not make it good?



Pretty much sums it up...God is NOT a man, so he doesn't lie...Lying is not in him....He is not a son of man...he doesn't need to repent...So if he speaks it, he will do it...and if he has spoken...he will make good on it!!! He is Good!! He is Truth!! Therefore, he doesn't waver from his word or his character!! Yay!!! So glad he loves me so!!

Catch up time!!

Gosh, I can't believe it has been almost 2 months since I posted. I have had so much going on lately. It has definitely been a transition year, for sure. Trenton is in 5th grade, and Sarah is in 2nd. Trenton has had to really push himself this year, and well, I have been behind him pushing..lol. I have seen a glimpse of the "tween" years, and it is very "nice". I cannot believe he will be in middle school next year. I look at his face, and see that little round faced toddler who absolutely adored his Mommy. I hate it because as he gets older, I have to make sure he is going in the right direction. In that process, he becomes frustrated because he feels I don't understand him or I am against him. (Yes, this starts as early as 10). He is like an old man, trapped in a 10 year old's body. He understands and grasps so much, but doesn't quite know how to implement it. He has so much potential, and as his mother, I see so much. I have been assigned by the Lord to be the vehicle to drive him to his destiny. I can't do it for him, but my assignment is to do everything I can to equip him. I think, on somedays, it is much easier to slack. When I am sitting at the table for hours making sure his homework is done with "excellence", and not half-way, and I become weary at his lack of interest, it is at those times....I wonder, is this really going to pay off? I don't know why I second guess myself, or the Lord for that matter. If he has given me a mission, then he will equip me to complete it. The Lord is so faithful, and I know now why the Lord has given us kids. They are the instrument the Lord uses to drive us to our knees. Sarah is our 7 year old, and she is in 2nd grade. She is still in the innocent years, and I am enjoying it while it lasts. I pray for her daily that she will be used mightily for the Lord, as I do for Trenton.
I spent many years wondering what great "call" does the Lord have for me....Well, I may not be great at anything, but I do know that I will be the mother of Trenton and Sarah.

Just keeping swimming, just keep swimming!!!

I have often been reminded of the saying out of the Disney movie Finding Nemo....as Dori was trying to encourage Nemo's dad...keep going...Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Their ultimate goal was to get to Nemo, and whatever it took they were going to find him. The Lord opened this up in my Spirit. He lays promises ahead, and lets us know they are ours. We must keep focused, and keep pushing forward until we reach our destination . Just because God has given us a promise doesn't mean there won't be opposition. ON the contrary, it will be even more difficult because the enemy of our soul does NOT want us to obtain anything from the Lord, especially his perfect will.

I have something that the LORD promised to us, and is leading us to. I have not been prepared for the winds and storms that have tried to come against us. If anything, the Lord has taught me that anything worth having has to be contended for. I often thought, if the Lord promises this to us then it is easy breezy...LOL. I have learned otherwise. He is teaching me to be a warrior, he is teaching me to be like a linebacker...to push until my opponent is on the ground!!! I must not back up one inch or believe anything against what the Lord has promised. It takes a conscientious effort to be on guard at all times. I must be vigilant because the enemy seeks to steal our blessing, kill our spirit, and destroy anything the Lord has for us. It must be a constant mission to be on guard and stay focused on the prize which is set before us.

Hello Blog World....It has been a month!!

It has been a crazy crazy month with trying to get back into the routine of school, work, and sports. It has definitely been a roller coaster ride to say the least. Trenton started 5th grade, and Sarah started 2nd. Trenton has lots and lots of work to do. It is really a busy year for him, and he is trying to make straight A's. I am so proud of both of them, and could NOT ask for better kids. We have our moments, but God has truly truly blessed us.

As I look at Trenton, I see a young man evolving. A young man that has to remind his mother that HE can DO stuff on his own, and he has is on way of doing stuff. OOOPPSS!!! I am learning slowly to let him find out things on his own. (Nothing major, just little things that I try to control). God has us on a unique journey that I am not at liberty to share, but it is a faith walk. I am learning to surrender Trenton and Sarah to him. I have been led to read the book "The Power of a Praying Parent", and it has been pivitol in my life. God has taught me that I don't have to handle everything concerning my kids, but he is the great "I AM" and he can intervene in any situation. I am trusting that when Trenton has a hard time completing his assignments on a particular day that the Lord will help him complete them. We believe the Lord for his miraculous work, and we are seeing his hand in all of our life situations.

God has really been at work, and he has given me confirmation after confirmation. I know the enemy would want nothing more than to distract me. I was pondering on something the other day, and I felt this rise in my Spirit. FEAR is the mangifying glass of a little speckle of doubt. God is greater than anything, and if he speaks....It is done and completed. Why do I still have trouble accepting what God promises? I dont' doubt him or his word, but I think I wrestle with the whole idea of him doing something for me. I mean, He gave the ultimate gift of his son. I am learning to accept his gifts.

There have been many times lately where Lloyd and I have been in complete awe of his mercy, kindness, and favor. I have been in prayer, and saw a vision of a present being handed in my direction. It was the most beautifully wrapped present. The Lord spoke to me and said "Are you going to accept my gift". He was referring to a situation that he has been leading us to. All I know, is he is doing the driving. I am not(although, I do) to try to figure out how he is going to do it, he just is. I find myself, trying to rationalize his ways, and how I think he is going to work it out. I have to remind myself....HE IS GOD!!!! and all he has to do is speak....Isn't that what he did with the world?...HE spoke it into existence. So I am learning not to put God on a human level, and the things he does are things that I won't be able to fathom. Okay, so I am learning to just say....You said, YOu will do it...and leave it at that. I can no longer step into the world of figuring it out and wonder how and when. LOL...So I am learning, Lord, I am learning. I have taken great strides in trusting him. I use to worry, fret, and try to do it all on my own. I tried to figure out a way. When the "I want to figure this out" tries to enter my mind, I discount it, and just hand it over to the Lord....It is such a daily and sometimes hourly thing. I don't want control over my life...I want him to have it. I just have to continually submit my will to the LORD, and that is not always an easy task..

It will drive you to your knees...

The "it" I am implying is MOTHERHOOD. As I held my 10 year old son and 7 year old daughter last night after a rough day, it humbles me...that God would entrust me to be their mother. It was easier when they were infants. Now with my 10 year old, I am dealing with the outside influences of others. It is more of a conflict at times with him now that he is older. He can spend a whole day at daycare or school, and come home with a personality of someone else. We spent a long time last night praying with him and reading with him the word of God. It was a wake up call to us as parents that we cannot even slumber for a minute, but we must be vigilant at all times and aware of all the schemes of the enemy. He would want nothing more than to destroy the plan of God, and the promises he has for my children. I, as a parent, will NOT back down. I will stand in the strength of the Holy Spirit, and declare his schemes DEAD. My children will be the Lord's, and they will carry out his purposes. The enemy just woke a sleeping giant, and that is a MOTHER with a purpose. The Lord has given Lloyd and I these children, and if we have to lay over them every moment of every day to cover them in prayer, we will!! OUR God will protect them, and lead them into what he has for them. I proclaim..LOVE, STRENGTH, BLESSING, PROTECTION, AND PURPOSE over their lives!!! They were entrusted unto us as parents, and we GIVE them right back to the LORD!!

Many adopted children!!!

Wow, has our life changed over the last year...Lloyd and I have just became the College and Young Adult ministers at our church. It is such a priviledge and honor to be in the service for the Lord. It has finally manifested itself...finally after 10 years of preparation, prayer, and growing up!!! I am humbled at God's majesty, grace, and love. His patience with me is hard to fathom. If I were my heavenly Father, I would have grown tired....lol.
I look at the task at hand to lead this great bunch of Young Adults, and it can be overwhelming. It would be easy to just march in there, teach a little, then leave. That would accomplish nothing. My prayer to the Lord, is to set this generation ablaze for him. I don't want them to be the statistic, but the overcomers of this generation. I hope that I will not fail as a leader, but will inspire them. I know that it can only be done when I put my hand in the Lord's, and I walk with him. It is exciting and then it is overwhelming at the same time. God is faithful and what we put in we will get out. The same applies to life. If we are faithful in the little things, God will trust and add to us, but who much is given, much is required. My goal is not numbers, but depth. I know as God begins to move, it will be an obvious thing to grow, but it will be by him and in his time.
It isn't about a title or status, but is about the souls involved. It isn't a name to carry, but a burden to bear. It is made up of seasons and loaded with adventure, but most of all it is about the one who sent us...Our Lord Jesus Christ. May my motives be pure and acceptable before him, as I accept the assignment......as minister/pastor/mentor/friend.....X-pansion 4:10...here we come...with the Lord by our side..

OH my it has been awhile..but God has been at work.

I have been a bad blogger since summer began. Life has been busy busy busy. I have enjoyed every minute of it. Trenton has been to 3 camps thus far. He has been to baseball camp, basketball camp, and then Youth camp. Sarah decided she is waiting until next year to do the camp thing. I sit and look at where I was a year ago, and count every one of my blessings. A year ago this weekend I was newly pregnant with our sweet boy we lost. I could not lift my head, and if I did I was throwing up. It was such a miserable feeling to not be well. I remember feeling so helpless.

I have taken this summer and decided to create an atomosphere of joy. I have decided to do things and enjoy life with the children we do have. We have enjoyed $1.00 movie Tuesdays. It is wonderful to look on each side of me and marvel at how blessed I truly am. I can get a good look when they are all into a movie. I am so blessed beyond measure, and I will not live entrapped thinking about what I don't have. I will rejoice and be thankful for what I do.

I did host a sleepover for Sarah with all of her softball team. It was a challenge, but well worth the memories. I want my children to remember the things I did for them, not for merit, but that I did love them and would sacrifice. I want them to know that we have an open door policy, and that it is a house of love and acceptance.

We have had a little bit of sibling rivalry this summer, and I have been prayerful about how to handle this. Lloyd and I have decided to teach our children to be servants. They are siblings that should love one another and care about each others interests. I have decided to give them scripture to look up each time they are ugly to one another that correlates with the incident. There is tension in the air at times around the Gibson Household. We had an incident earlier where Sarah called Trenton a name, and in return Trenton called her a name. They spent 10 min in the corner, and I found Proverbs 15:1....A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. They read it to one another, and then apologized. Trenton then said, It still hurts that she called me that...we then looked up in Matthew, where if we want forgiveness, we must forgive others. I had him quote it, and tell her he forgives her. It isn't easy, but we knew something needs to be done. The word of God cannot be refuted, and it is sharper than any two edged sword. The enemy would want nothing more than to destroy our unity. Well, he cannot stand against the truth of the word. No longer being passive Christians, but warriors against discord. We are no longer going to be family easily defeated, but one that will stand!!!!

Where have I been, you ask???

I have been in complete summertime bliss...I love it, I love it, I love it!!! I guess I celebrate this summer a little more because I spent 3/4 of last summer in the bed. A nauseated, very sick mess. I was just finding out I was pregnant this time last year, and then the downturn began.

I have really learned to take hold of what is in front of me, cherish it and celebrate it.

I wanted to be able to create Joy and memories this summer that would overshadow the sadness of last year. I have made it a point to not take for granted what I do have....God is perfect and Holy, and even though I had a sea in front of me....God has made a way...I may have scars, but the wound is closed and healing.

A Mish Mosh of Everything!!!

Well, we have had our little Max for a week and 2 days, and he is so smart. We are making progress in our house training, but it takes the patience of JOB to get this done. We are crate training, and at night he has decided he would rather sleep than whine. BIG accomplishment. I can't wait for the day when he is trained so we can enjoy him without worrying if he is sniffing to sniff or sniffing to use the bathroom. We have to put him in his crate when we are unable to give him one on one attention, and I want him to have free roam, but he has to earn it.

Life is going well in the Gibson Household. We are busy busy busy though. Trenton continues in baseball, and is doing okay. He has struggled a little bit through this season. He is in a definate slump, and I am praying the Lord gives him strength to endure it. I don't want him to lose heart in the midst of adversity because he loves the game. Sarah is doing good through her first season of ever playing softball. I have made some really neat friends through this season, for which I am thankful. I look at my life and I am so very thankful for God's amazing grace, and I do not take it for granted.

I look at where I was 6 months ago, and I have come full circle. Is my life the way I imagined it would be? In some circumstances, NO. I had always imagined I would have 3 kids and that was the end of it. I am seeing a new place in my life. I am content with life as it is right now....A little crazy, but I am content. I am learning to use up every spare minute I have to be productive. We are going to be the Gibson 4, plus a dog...lol. I am truly truly okay with that. I am able to pour into the 2 that I have. The Lord really dealt with me about how I was perceiving things. He laid it on my heart to be joyous in what I have and not seek what was dead. Dead, meaning....a dream that I had from within myself, but God has given a definite NO!!! It is not meant for us to have more children, I truly believe that. Am I feeling that way out of fear? NOPE, I just know that I am to obey the Lord's commands. It takes sacrifice, and if this is what I have to sacrifice unto the LORD, then I am giving it all to him.

Things are moving rather swiftly in my spiritual life. The Lord is absolutely removing every crutch that I have depended on, and it is pruning time. Although, it hurts, I am willing to go through it. I want my fruit to be ripe before the LORD. I want to bear ripe, righteous fruit. I want to be a sweet smelling savor in the nostrils of my heavenly Father. My hand is in his, and I am walking and following after his every command. I trust him more now than I ever have, and I will continue to do so. I look forward to the doors that are soon to be open for Lloyd and I. I know I must be obedient in order to achieve what he has for us.....Painful at times, but necessary.

Oh my Goodness!!

Whew the last few days have been a whirlwind!!! Having new puppy is so like having a baby. I have been up every 3 hrs through the night because he is still adjusting to his crate. We have not mastered going "pee" outside...so he likes to go pee anywhere, but we are trying. I don't let him down anywhere in the house because I am NOT a fan of pee or poo in my floor. It makes for a very long and tedious day. I do work full time, so I am going home as soon as I can to get him out of his crate, and we try to let him stay out the rest of the day unless I cannot watch him. He is sneaky and will pee in an instant..lol. He is such a ball of personality trying to figure out the world. Having a new life in our presence is such a gift. I don't forsee me going crazy and thinking he is a human, but we all love him so much already.
My husband has really really surprised me. He has been so anti-dog...NO NO NO was his answer, but you should see him now. ha ha. It is funny to see him loving on something he never wanted. It really hurt when we had to put our pomeranian, Katelyn, down March 1st. Our house had a nice break, but it felt lonely in a sense. Now we have all the dog we can handle. Oh well, It is just nice to have something "happy" for a change. I find joy in the Lord, and his presence is with me always. I thank him for his creatures that he created, and we promise him we will take good care of Max.
I often feel like our kids need to learn how to care for animals, it gives them responsibility....Right now, though...Max is all mine.. 10pm, 2am, 5am, and afternoon crate clean up....LOL.. It is fun and we have busier days ahead. We have tried to socialize him. I took him to Trenton's class yesterday, and they were all so gentle with him. I didn't let any of the kids hold him, but they were petting his back. We also took him to Trenton's game the other night...He just sat in my lap and slept.

WE have offically added to our family......

Meet Max an 11 week old PUG. We went today to pick him up as a surprise for our kids, and I really believe now, it is more for me..lol. He is full of personality, and is precious. I know we have many challenging days ahead concerning crate training, but we will master it with patience and perseverance....which I know a little bit about.

Makes a mother proud!!!

I have to say yesterday was one of the greatest moments to witness thus far in my son, Trenton's, life. He was baptized last night in our evening service. I am proud of him because he made this decision on his own. I didn't even know he signed up to be baptized until a day later. We did see the announcement that the church was having a baptizing, and I did mention to him that if he was ready it was okay. I never said another word about it.

I believe, I can do so much for my children, but it stops at the cross. What I mean by this, is I cannot have salvation for him. I can lead him to the cross, pray for him, and be the example, but I cannot do it for him. Trenton has always been the type child that can understand "deep" things. He has always been the "little adult" in most areas of his life. Sometimes him knowing so much is NOT an asset.
I get a little nostalgic when these events happen. I can remember being married only a few short months, but my heart wanted a baby. I prayed, prayed, and prayed for a baby (Lloyd was not ready at all). I remember one day in prayer, the Lord spoke to me, He said "You are going to have a baby, it is going to be a boy, and he will be fine". I thought he meant that month, but boy was I surprised. It was 11 months later when I found out I was pregnant. I can remember the tears of joy that I had. I was the ripe old age of 20..lol. I had a lot of dreams, but not a lot of life experience. I can remember the day he was born, and really not knowing what to do with this crying child. I can remember the frustration and being overwhelmed at being a new mother.

Trenton has always been my child with a mind of his own. If I say black it is white to him. I think this quality can be good and bad. There is such a sweet side to him, he is very compassionate and thoughtful. The one thing lately that has really touched my heart, is that he has taken an interest in a little 4 year old boy who is being raised by his mother. His big sister is on my daughter's team, and Trenton has taken such an interest in being there for him. The other day I saw Trenton (10) giving this little guy a horsey back ride through the sand box, and it touched my heart to know that he would be interested in making sure that he was taken care of. A few days later, the little boy had a scrimmage game, and his mom came to our ballfield to have me look at what Trenton was doing. Trenton was out on the field with his little friend, during the game, showing him how to run the bases and catch the ball. His mom was very apologetic, and I was like NO, dont be. My heart bubbled with joy because my son knows what it means to be involved. It is the cutest thing to see, wherever Trenton is the little boy follows. Trenton told me that one of his friends asked him to take his little friend to his mother so they could play, and Trenton told him NO, that he has gotten him a snack, and he can sit right there with them. ( I hated in this paragraph using "little boy" because he is more than just a little boy, but for privacy reasons and the internet I used it as a generic term")
When we have our days, and Trenton likes to talk over me, and voice "his" opinion. He may do that and we may butt heads, but he is still a very precious and intelligent child that God has a huge plan for. I pray everyday for God to protect them, and take them to the place he would have them to GO.. Yay for my first born.

My little Sarah, is my 6 year old ray of sunshine. She has also been pure Joy since she was born. She knows what she wants and is settled into herself to go get it. She has a sweet spirit, but is very competitive. It is so funny to watch her on the ballfield. She gets mad at herself if she misses a ball, and if she strikes out you can see the frustration. We never have to say anything to her because she coaches herself. I have never seen a girl be so secure in herself,not over confident, but just comfortable in her own skin. I hope to the Lord she will be that way in puberty, but we will take this one day at a time. I am proud of her because she is on our expressive worship team at church, and is doing so well. She understands the importance of loving the Lord, and ministering for his glory.

My prayer is one of Thanksgiving to the Lord for allowing me to be a mother of 2 precious children. I no longer look to what I don't have, but to what I do

So He develops me in the Dark???

I just Love how God works in his way. I have to say that I feel so blessed to be apart of our church. During Wednesday Bible Study our precious Pastor's wife taught on Elijah, the praying prophet. It was an awesome lesson. She was bringing out the point that Elijah did exactly what God told him..He made a proclamation to the King, that there would be no rain. After he was obedient, the Lord led him to solitude to be fed by the brook by a raven. After awhile, the brook dried up. You know, she really brought out that even when we are completely obedient, we can be led into times of darkness. What I mean, we are led through trials...and it is in these times that God develops us.
I have had a really heavy heart the past couple of days, and I hold onto these truths. I am doing it again, I am wearing my mask. If only people could see my heart, it is BROKEN. I miss my baby, and I want to hold him. I think about him everyday, and I want to know him. I know I can't change it, and I know all things happen for a reason. I just decided to take my mask off for awhile and be real. I think my triggers this time are, there are several people who were just a few weeks behind me in pregnancy...Well, they have had their babies...NO PROBLEMS...healthy precious gifts. I am not at all envious, but my heart aches for my baby, my son. I have made Selah's song "Unredeemed",my official song. I know God loves me, and he has me in his arms..He knows my pain, and will make all things new. I know this, but walking through the pain is necessary in this life. I am not stopping, just walking.
Lloyd and I are on the horizon of something wonderful at our church. New beginnings are around the corner...I will take what life has handed me, put it in my backpack, and continue marching on..marching on this journey of faith....What the enemy intended for evil...God will make good...it will be used for his glory...I hold to that...I place it inside my heart..to know I serve a faithful father is all I need to know. I have a Father that walks with me when I hide my tears, my tears of pain...I may wipe them away to hide, but he sees them all. He loves me with an unending love!!!! I am being developed, in the dark..:)

God's power is amazing!!!

It has been an overwhelming week in many ways, but God's power is amazing. My husband and I are involved in a wonderful church, and we finally feel settled. We were involved in a life or death drama Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and then again on Sunday night called "Choices". We had a packed house everynight, and had a total of 114 people come to know the Lord. It is such an overwhelming feeling to think we had a hand in such an awesome evangelistic movement.
I have learned from the Lord to take seasons as they come, and enjoy every moment. In the middle of us doing the drama, our son had to be on the ballfield. I also learned to let go of some control, and allow someone else to take him to the games (this was a challenge for me). I was pleasantly surprised, we all survived, and I am still considered a good mom to my son..lol. I have got to learn that things are going to happen, and I cannot do it all...and be all to everyone. I am so proud of my kids. They were put to bed late every night last week, and still managed to make great grades. This time of year always presents challenges for ones who like routine. The laundry is overflowing, and even if it is clean, everyone picks their clothes out for the next day out of a basket.
I struggle with such simple things, but next to eternity they are nothing. Nothing compares to 114 souls being led to the Lord. I am learning to take everything in stride, and the path we think is going one way to us, is a total different direction to the Lord. I am learning, slowly, but surely, I am learning. Thanking God for his amazing grace!!!

A Simple Reminder...

Why is it so hard to hold onto God's promises. I mean he speaks them, right? When he speaks them he means them. We must remind ourself that our Father in Heaven is not a liar that when he speaks, he speaks with all certainity. I am writing this as a reminder to MYSELF. The Lord has dropped several promises into my heart this week, and I have got to quit analyzing everything, and just accept it!!! So there, I am accepting it. I often times have to pray to the Lord, and ask him to help my unbelief. I believe for things for everyone else, but when it comes to me...I struggle. I am like, who me?? He is trying to teach me to walk in his favor and accept what he has for us....SO I am going to do just that.

Faith to move Mountains

Just because we have accepted Christ doesn't mean we have it in the bag. So many times I think we forget who we really are, and who's we are. I have to admit I struggle with things. I have to really seek the Lord because I like to know answers immediately. I am so guilty of trying to work things out on my own. I have a greater struggle now because the enemy would want nothing more than to destroy me in my mind. The season we have been through has been a tough one. It has come to a point at times, I think if I hope for anything it won't happen because I have been abandoned.
I have to rebuke that because the word says He will never leave me or forsake me. I know he won't, but why do we doubt it. Lloyd and I have many decisions to make over the next year concerning our children, ministry, etc. I have to admit I have let things consume me, and that is exactly what the enemy would want me to do. He wants me to be consumed with things that are beyond my control, so that I will be distracted from the Lord's work. Step one is to recognize this...and I have. My next step is repentance...I am not pleasing the Lord by doubting that the creator of all things will take care of it all. I have to literally in the Spirit crawl on my hands and knees and lay at the altar before him and repent due to my unbelief. Whew I am so humbled at that point. Why do I ever doubt him? I have to take him at his word, and if he has dropped promises in my heart then he will fulfill them. So at this Point, I am at, yet again, another Surrendering point. I told you it is a journey, a road, to surrender. So rewarding, So awesome, if we let him do all of the technical stuff...and we do his "stuff", we preach the gospel, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and seek him above all else. He will add to us, when we are Sold out to him. We can take him at his word...He is not one that will lie. He is our one true advocate!! He is our Best Friend, and I know at times he becomes disappointed with us because we turn and look to other sources for our miracles and answers. It isn't too late to surrender it all. I get so tired of carrying the load, but it is so awesome because he walks up beside me and asks me to give it to him. Thank him for his marvelous muscles...What a wonderful Savior he is to carry my junk.

Morning for my Mourning

Whew has it been a season!! This week has started off pretty sad. Lloyd and I had to take our precious little dog this morning to have her put to sleep. She became violently ill on Friday night, and was unable to recover. Good grief, it is one of the hardest things I have had to do. I have said that a lot over the last year, haven't I? You know life is so full of seasons, and I am so ready for Mourning to be over.
I know My Redeemer lives, and he is concerned with every little aspect of my life.
I know we have to walk through things, but it seems as though I am reaching in the darkness, at times. I know God is right by my side, and loves and upholds me. I will not be shaken, by the tragedy of loss. I will lift up my eyes to the hills, for my help comes from the LORD. He is my provider, healer, my sword, my shield, my rock, and my fortress. I will not turn away from him, the winds may blow and the sea waves rise, but he is still my GOD!!! I know I who I am in him, and I will continue to walk in the abundance of his favor, regardless of my circumstances. I have to keep myself in that place or the enemy will try to destroy me. When I say destroy, I mean keep me in constant turmoil of doubt and brokeness. This is not directly related to losing our dog. It is the brokeness of this year, Of the "losses" we have had. I am learning a lot about myself through all of this. Some of it I like, some of it, I need to improve. God is everlasting and faithful!!! He never changes!!! He is the constant in my whirlwind, I must remain steadfast in him.
I am so ready to put off my mourning clothes, and put on my dancing clothes. I am ready to be free from sadness, and I am free. I know morning is coming, and I am getting dressed for it. I am changing clothes and stepping into new Promise. I will accept no less than God's complete best for my life. I am tired of the thief, the stealer of my joy. I am walking in new light in the name of Jesus. He is my all in all.

The Acceptance of God's will....

God has been leading me to this point for so long. I have got to learn to trust him. I do trust him, but always with a little twinge of worry. My goal is to get to the point where I trust him with NO worry. I am getting there. I am really bad about when I get something in my mind that I "obsess" about it, and I want to talk about it a lot. I feel sorry for my hubby and buddies, but Good news I am getting better. I have got to learn that if God is leading me in a certain direction, he will pave the way. The enemy steals so much of our time and mind by making us run scenarios in our head. Well, wonder if this happens, then what? What if it is all me, and God really didn't mean for it to happen? It becomes a time where we become trapped. If we are not whole heartedly placing it in God's hands, we are not trusting him. I am so preaching to myself.
There comes a time when we have to recognize that the enemy wants nothing more than to distract us with anything and everything so we will not effective for the Kingdom of God. It steals our praise, Joy, time, mood, and sleep. When I feel an "obsession" coming on, I have to pray and cast it to the Lord and pray for deliverance. The bad part is when we do not recognize it....and it becomes the source of all of our energy. We must learn to walk in his footsteps, and constantly hand it over. Being able to move past situations as we hand it over, is a great step in the right direction to complete victory and freedom in the Lord.

All the pieces are floating....

It has been one of those weeks or should I say months...or several months? I am definitely in the desert on the way to my destiny. It has been the most difficult past several months. At times, I feel I have the complete inability to carry such a load. I know that the Lord is right with me, and sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much.
I can explain how I am feeling by giving an illustration. I have so many pieces of promise that God has given to me pertaining to my life through prayer. Imagine those pieces floating around. They have no place to fall yet, and none of it makes sense. I will be glad when these pieces start coming together. I know what God wants to do, but that is it. I have no more information. At times, those days become very taxing on me emotionally and physically. I am not whining, I know what it takes to be a sacrifice before the Lord and some days it is just plain hard.
I have struggled this week. This week I would be 38 weeks, and more than likely being induced with our precious baby. I have shed many tears longing to hold my sweet boy. I know God has a plan, but I wanted to hold him, bathe him, and get to know him. I have 2 beautiful children here, and I do not take it for granted. I love and adore my sweet boy and girl I have. I just grieve because I wanted 3. Just because I have 2 here with me doesn't mean it makes losing our baby any less. It is like there is one person missing. We had a name, and were dreaming and making plans for him to meet us. All of us were looking forward to holding him.
I don't ever pretend to understand any of this life, I just know God promises to never put more on us than we can bear. I am walking through this journey with my hand in his. He never said I couldn't cry or ask him why? I can be "Me" at the foot of the cross. He created me, flaws and all. I have to know that he LOVES me regardless.
I think so many times we feel like we have to wear a mask, and be presentable before the Lord. We must present ourselves as having it all together. WE are lying when we don't let him in to our imperfect world. We must let him in the broken places, and yet he may not fix them immediately, he is there to carry us. When you go deeper in the walk with him, and desire more of him, the testing time comes. The testing time is probably the hardest place to be. No answers, No explanations, Makes absolutely no sense, but the only thing we can do is walk and keep doing so, blindly. It isn't easy not knowing what the future holds, but we serve the future holder. Things may not go our way, but when we commit to him, we must trust and be transparent.
The hardest thing is being transparent. In this world, if you admit weakness you are considered a failure. This is true in the "church" world, as well. In the the world's view, we must pull ourselves up by the boot straps, and go on. I disagree with that. There are times when your heart is in a million pieces and the only thing that can be done is "face in the carpet praying". God wants our transparency, he wants us to be real. So, I think I have accomplished that part, and have carpet burns on my face to prove it..LOL. I am not super-woman, and I don't have it all together. I need him more now than I ever have, I sure hope the puzzle pieces come together soon.

The Chore of Standing Still

Ok, So I admit at times in this Christian walk I become very hyper. I mean why can't things "hurry up"..LOL. I know, I know the world doesn't revolve around me, but come on, cut me a break. I think my greatest chore in life is learning to sit still, and wait in the Lord. I am not talking about a baby, but in all aspects of my life. I am a very "have to organize my thoughts and life person." I like to have a plan in place. If I don't have an answer it is like a puzzle piece is missing, and I become anxious. I know what the scripture says, and it says to Be anxious for nothing, but in all things by prayer and fasting bring it to the Lord. OK, that's easy, right....NOT...I have no trouble going in the prayer closet taking out my baggage, opening it up...and removing all of my days issues... When I have my prayer time with the Lord I promise him I will let him handle my issues. Do you know what I am guilty of many times? After I am done praying, I open my bag back up and begin putting those issues right back into the place I removed them from, and I carry them out with me. Now, that is not what I call success.

So I guess my chore this week is to leave the closet with an empty bag. Wow, how can that not be an easy task? Not sure, but I am learning how to do it. I am learning that regardless of my circumstances, I can leave a bag full of "junk" at his feet. The Lord wants my junk. He tells us that "All who are weary and heavy burdened come before him, he will give us rest and will make our yolk easy and our burdens light." You don't build muscle by carrying extra baggage, by the way. What happens is that it becomes so heavy that it begins to break us down, and all we have is our baggage. I am learing in this walk that I am not exempt from these challenges. I am so glad he is with me through it all, and he wants me to rest. Gosh, I love him!!!!

It has been 52 days...

Well, I have been doing WW for 52 days now..LOL..I only know this because I have charted it on a graph and it tells me the total days. I have lost a total of 8lbs. Gosh, it seems like it took FOREVER. I don't think of it as a diet though, and that is what helps. I have completely changed my way of eating. Am I tempted to eat a whole bag of cookies and chips, YES!!!! I really have learned what self control is all about. It is stopping, and taking a deep breath and thinking about it before you do it. I know when I have a whole bag of chips in my hand and I want to eat it all, I just go back in my mind to how I felt 2.5 months ago. It is not worth it. I do eat chips, but not so many. I have had Krystal, Long John Silvers, Zaxby's....I pick a restaurant a week where I want to splurge with my flex points.
I look at it as the preparation process in more ways than one. I know that the Lord states in his word that we are to have self-control. I know this means every aspect of our lives. Be it spending money, eating, or any other splurge. We are to have perfect balance. I knew I was out of balance before I started eating better. I am not perfect everyday, but I am making steps to change. I know 8lbs doesn't seem to be a lot, but I am smaller now than I was when I got pregnant with the baby we lost. I am more active. I am able to do 45 mins on the treadmill 5 days a week. I have made it my mission to get my body back to "me" before I try to carry another baby. I feel like it has been such a cleansing process. I have spent the last (almost) 3 months reclaiming "ME". It has helped tremendously for me to refocus on the LORD, my family, and my Physical body.
I can look back over the last few months and I can say that I appreciate the storm. I know who my God is, now more than ever. He has carried me through this dark time, and has been amazing through it all. He has been steadfast beside me through my brokeness and I PRAISE him. Another baby or not, he is still God. He never changes, and he never will. He is my rock and fortress, in whom I can trust. I have learned through the miscarriage that things in life come unexpectedly, but he is there to catch me when I fall. I know that he is the giver and taker of life!! I feel like now that I am on the full mend. I am ready to take on whatever life hands me, but I don't and can't do it alone. I still have days when I miss the baby (as in a previous blog), but I trust God that he has an amazing plan for us.
I crave to be in his presence. I long to meet with him in prayer. It is so awesome to find a place of prayer, and hide with him!!! Psalm 91

It came to visit again today....

There is one thing about grief that I have noticed....It creeps up on you like an unexpected visitor. Today, I miss my baby. I would still be pregnant, so I guess I long to feel the kicks and miss being able to dream about what he would have looked like.He is still my son, I just have to wait to see him. Heaven seems much sweeter. My arms ache today, and seem so empty. My heart hurts, and I have just prayed and read Psalms this afternoon. I know that my Father in heaven has a much greater plan, I just don't see it now.My heart is just heavy. The Lord understands my brokeness, and it is okay. I can share who I am, and open myself to him. He created me and is not at all surprised at what I am going through. I trust that.
It makes me realize that our children belong to God first, and are only on loan to us. What a great responsibility to have, to raise our on "loan" children to love an awesome God. It is such a profound thought.
Even in the storms, I have a wind calmer that speaks Peace, be still. Even in the midst of a famine, I have the bread of life. Even when I am thirsty, I have the living water. I have called out to him today, and he has met every need of my heart. Does my flesh feel it? NO!! I just trust in my Spirit that my Father has me in his lap, and is calming me through this very trying time!! I will see the bigger picture as time goes by. I just may have to wait a little longer.
I have to trust, it is a must. In the midst of the fog, I must trust. All my praying bloggers, pray for me!!!

Is he proud?...of course

I have had a lot of time to reflect this weekend. I really don't think I have had the time, but God is pointing out so many things in my everyday life and giving me nudges in my Spirit. I haven't felt very well this past week physically, the "pill" that was to regulate me has not. It is all okay, we will be situated soon enough
I was sitting at my son's basketball game yesterday. He is in 4th grade, and he made the school basketball team. I have watched him all season, and have felt for him on many occasions. This is the first time he has really played basketball competitively. He has played basketball since he was 4, but it was more recreational games. This league is organized so 4th and 5th graders play ball just like they will in Middle School. Anyway, I watched him the first game, and I could see the anxiety on his face. I felt for him, I wanted to go and do it for him. He knew the fundementals, but didn't know how to put it all together. Since then I have seen him "get it". Yesterday he scored his first TWO POINTS....I had tears, it was the most amazing moment to see him excel after the hard work. I wanted to stand up and say "That is my boy". I was beaming and it made me so proud. Were there boys who have had 10-12 points a game? Yes, but those two were like 45 to me.
As I sat there, I ask my best friend "You, know I wonder if that is how God is with us."....I think it is. I think as we enter the game of Christian life, we are so anxious about the plays, and how we are to live. When we go by the playbook (bible), and we become more comfortable with its plays we start to "get it". We enter the court, and are a little unsure of his commands. He is the most loving coach though, and is full of forgiveness and love. He keeps yelling to us, "Keep going, I love you,and I am here". That is what I am to Trenton his mom to say "Keep going, I love you,and I am here". It doesn't matter if you are the best player, keep playing the game. We have a Father in heaven that beams with love for us. He gives us the assurance that he is there, and is the greatest coach because he tells what we are doing wrong and gives us the plays to fix it. His son stood up and died for us, and he would do it again.
This morning, I woke up and my Sarah was running a fever. She said her throat hurt, and by the smell of her mouth when she opened it to let me see her tonsils, I suspected Strep. If Sarah is going to get sick, it is Sunday morning. Lloyd and Trenton went on to church, and I will go tonight. Her temperature was 102.1 when we left the house. I am so glad that CVS has the Minute Clinic because our pediatrician does not see patients on the weekend anymore. As we were sitting there, I began to pray over her, and I haven't given her anti-fever meds yet. I began to just rock her, and tell the Lord that we needed him to heal her because I know he doesn't like for his children to be sick and he has provided the means of healing for us. I told him he sent his son and he took the stripes for us, and I just prayed over her until they called us back. We got back there, and I was right, STREP. The nurse practitioner took her temperature and it was 99.1. God is an awesome God, and I trust him. Then she surprisingly threw-up all over me and the very sweet practitioner (just a proud badge a mother wears).
The Lord has really been speaking into my heart over the last few months about constant communion with him. A daily continual conversation like a conversation I would have with my husband. I am to talk with him and tell him my inner most thoughts even though I know he knows everything about me including, the hairs on my head, he desires for me to long to be with him. I don't just want to call on him in my hour of trouble, but I want to know him to the point that I have a prayer for him on my tongue every minute of everyday. I want him to know I love him regardless of the circumstances in my life.
It is so awesome to have a Father who loves us regardless if we can play ball or not, he has plays (his word) , and we just have to walk with him and follow his directions. He will welcome us with open arms.

Please comment....

I have noticed that I have several more hits than I usually do!!!...Please comment me or email me I would love to meet you. The Lord has really laid it upon my heart to be deeper in my blogs that I might me a witness and a blessing to others during this season of waiting. He is so good, and faithful. Would love to hear from you.

my email...babyrn28@hotmail.com

The season of change

I spent a lot of time over our Christmas break downloading songs on my Ipod. I love music and what it does for the soul. I love it with a passion, but I have not one lick of talent in that area. I wish I did. Music ministers to my very soul, it takes me "away", and lets me imagine myself with the Lord. I have often spent times of prayer with the Lord, and sung him "made" up versions of praise. I know he loves it, I am his daughter. He takes what is not so lovely and makes into beautiful music. I have a voice only my Father could LOVE, and he does. It has been my secret prayer that God would give me musical talent. I still can't figure out how I can be a preacher, and have not one ounce of musical ability....LOL. Oh well, he knows.
Anyhoo, I have had the most amazing days since the first of the year. I didn't say they were easy, but they have been amazing. I have battled physically the ill effects of the birth control pill, and the real "me" was crying out to God to let him know this ill, grouchy person was really not me, but sheerly the devil trying to overtake my body (j/k). We, females have to go through so much, but what we endure is so worth the outcome. I have pondered on the things that have transpired in our lives over the last year, and you know, God is so faithful. Has it been easy, NO!!! Have I cried more tears than I ever have before, YES!!! Have I ever been any more broken than I have been, NO!! You know what?? I appreciate the pain.
I love the Lord more now than I ever have before. I love him when I cry because of the death of my baby. I love him when ministry opportunities are not there. I love him when the birth control pill transforms me into a mean mean woman. YOu know what, it isn't about any circumstance in my life.....He is and always will be God. I will stand at many season changes, and he will always be there. A FAITHFUL, LOVING, and AMAZING FATHER!!!
Even in the midst of my gut wrenching cries out to him, he takes it, and he loves me as his daughter that I am. He has never once turned his back on me, ever. Has the enemy tried to convince me that he has forgotten about the dreams that he has placed into my heart, YES. Am I persuaded to believe these at times? Tempted to quit? YES, YES, YES!!.... But somehow the awesomeness of his Spirit puts his arm around me to nudge me to move forward, even blindly....and I walk. Do I know where I am going? Nope, sure don't, but I am walking with the love of my life. Does it matter the season? No, when it is winter he gives me a covering. When it is Spring, he gives me an umbrella. When it is Summer, he fans me. When it is Fall, he gives the vision to see such beauty in the midst of the fallen.
I understand a lot more now that I have been through such brokeness. I can't really put into words what the Lord has done for me exactly, but I know a complete transformation has been done. I know longer wonder how things are going to take place, I just know if he said it, he will do it. I must keep my hands busy about his business, and trust he will lead the way.
I still have dreams that God has placed inside of me that have not waivered. I must step as he steps, and know we will reach the destination one day. I must obey his every command to acheive my heart's desire in him. I desire to be used of him in such a mighty way. I want to be the minister of the word he has called me to be. I want to be used as a vessel of honor to see his sick, broken, and abandoned children come home and be healed. Most of the time the journey is what it is about, we never really arrive at completion. We just enter and exit seasons of change. Are we different after coming out of each season? We should be transformed and ready for the new one.
I have thought a lot about our next child. Will the Lord allow me to have another? I hope so. What kind of journey will it be? I am not sure. How long will it take? I am not sure of that either. Is God present through it all? YES. I have braced myself in the Spirit for whatever may come my way through the next chapter. I am settled within myself to trust the Lord. I love him, and I know he has my seasons planned out for the betterment of his kingdom. I am a child of the King, and I know he has a purpose for everything. I just have to trust and not let anything hinder my commitment to him. Not trusting is the same as having a lack of faith, and it is such an insult to our Father to not trust him. His word says it, His Spirit says it, and we must march along with our hand in our Fathers as we journey through this thing called life!!! Does it hand us some knocks? YES....but God gives us cushion!!!!

Good Grief, go away already...

It has been a very busy couple of weeks...Kids to school, me to work, get the kids from school, do homework, cook, clean and do it again the next day. As time has ticked on, I have been doing weight watchers while taking my birth control. Boy, I am glad I have. I am NOT a fan of "the pill". Tonight celebrates my last pill, and good riddens. I am finishing up my last pack that the doctor recommended I take to help regulate me after the traumatic ordeal in November. I am hardly ever negative, but I HATE, LOATHE, AND DESPISE THE PILL. I am grumpy, bloated, hungry all of the time, no energy, and just not myself. I have only lost 4lbs in 6 weeks, and I have stayed within my points, exercised cardio 30-45 min 4-5 days a week. I am anxious to see how I do coming off of the mean stuff. I feel like I have worked for nothing, and it is so very frustrating.

Other decisions weigh heavy on us as well. Do we start trying right away? That brings a whole other bundle of issues. I think to myself, "How will I react if I see a + pregnancy test"? I have to really trust the Lord because it is so taxing to think I will ever have to go through what I have been through again. ONe step at a time is all I can do. I am ready for another baby, but am I ready for another pregnancy??? We will see.

It has been awhile..:)

I have been blogger absent, haven't I? We had a wonderful holiday season, and just enjoyed being a family. It was so nice to see a New year come, whew? I was ready in many ways to let 2009 go. Many mistakes made, and many lessons learned. I love clean slates...you know like fresh notebook paper, and new pens. I have been on Weight Watchers I think for about 5 weeks now. I have done pretty well, wish it would melt away. I think that the birth control pills the MD has me on is slowing the process. I crave food all of the time. I guess I would be gaining if I hadn't started WW.I was talking to one of my closest friends today, and I said "I am having the hardest time liking anyone right now..LOL..I can't wait to see what menopause is like." I can just tell the difference, and I have never liked hormone therapy. I find myself getting irritated at the least little thing, poor hubby and kids. I do have to pray extra hard to keep a check on my attitude. Thank God for his precious grace.
We are almost to the point where we can try again. I wish I could say I was excited, and I am, but in a reserved sort of way. I think the only relief will be, is when I hold our next one in my arms. I don't like the idea of starting over, but new beginnings are a good thing. I know the next positive pregnancy test will bring a new set of challenges, but at least I have a OB that will listen to my concerns. I know, she knows what it is like to lose a baby. I know that if I am scared, she will do whatever it takes to ease that fear. Be it an ultrasound or a listening ear. I was so sick with the last one, and I pray that the next one will be different. I don't know the future, I have placed it in the Lord's hands. Sometimes that is the hardest thing, is the surrender. Kind of a theme in my life, huh? The Road to Surrender is a lonely, dusty, crazy path, but is well worth the intimacy with the Lord.
I know he knows all and sees all. I don't blame the past MD for the heartache I have had (although I did at first, but through much prayer, my heart changed). When I surrendered my heart and life to the Lord, it was everything. I believe he has every one of my steps ordered, and he will make good of the bad. He is that good of a God. I am not saying he caused my baby to die, but life is life since the fall. When Adam and Eve sinned, it caused sin to engulf mankind. The word tells us that it rains on the just and the unjust, and that life is full of seasons.
My true heart's desire is to be pleasing to him, and a complete witness.
I do find myself yearning for a new child. I have healed from the previous loss, have I forgotten, NO, but I have closure. I know that there is nothing I can do about it, but move on. I cannot bring that precious child back, and I must look ahead. I am very very thankful for the two I have, and I do not discount the fact that I am a mother. They are beautiful children that bring joy to my life, but I feel there is one more to be added to this crazy life and household.
I will continue to do Weight Watchers as long as I can. Even if I get pregnant, I hope to just add extra points for the pregnancy time. I just like the idea of writing my food down, and keeping track of my eating habits. I have also started exercising again, and I feel like I am getting back to who I was before I let myself go. The weight has crept up over the past 2 years, but I am determined to gain "myself" back and lose the weight. I like order and organization. Although, I cannot keep my car clean. Sorry, random thought, but true. If someone looked into my car, they would think I was a complete hoarder, and that my house was super disgusting...lol. It isn't at all. I need to add that to my New Year's goals....keep car clean..LOL
I am taking it one day at a time. I am not yet at the trying point, so I will not worry about that. I have to talk myself through things, and the Lord gives me strength to do so. One step at a time...One step at a time...I like to run ahead in my thoughts...What if this, What if that...It is a constant battle. The miscarriage really messed with my "fertility" thought process. The innocence of pregnancy is gone. I hate it too..I hate that it now carries baggage. I must place that in the Lord's hands. I am just heavy hearted with many things, and I have to, one by one,hand them over. Well, I won't be so long between posts like I have been, but life is busy with a 9 and 6 year old at home during Christmas break, so I hope to stay up to date.