It has been awhile..:)

I have been blogger absent, haven't I? We had a wonderful holiday season, and just enjoyed being a family. It was so nice to see a New year come, whew? I was ready in many ways to let 2009 go. Many mistakes made, and many lessons learned. I love clean slates...you know like fresh notebook paper, and new pens. I have been on Weight Watchers I think for about 5 weeks now. I have done pretty well, wish it would melt away. I think that the birth control pills the MD has me on is slowing the process. I crave food all of the time. I guess I would be gaining if I hadn't started WW.I was talking to one of my closest friends today, and I said "I am having the hardest time liking anyone right now..LOL..I can't wait to see what menopause is like." I can just tell the difference, and I have never liked hormone therapy. I find myself getting irritated at the least little thing, poor hubby and kids. I do have to pray extra hard to keep a check on my attitude. Thank God for his precious grace.
We are almost to the point where we can try again. I wish I could say I was excited, and I am, but in a reserved sort of way. I think the only relief will be, is when I hold our next one in my arms. I don't like the idea of starting over, but new beginnings are a good thing. I know the next positive pregnancy test will bring a new set of challenges, but at least I have a OB that will listen to my concerns. I know, she knows what it is like to lose a baby. I know that if I am scared, she will do whatever it takes to ease that fear. Be it an ultrasound or a listening ear. I was so sick with the last one, and I pray that the next one will be different. I don't know the future, I have placed it in the Lord's hands. Sometimes that is the hardest thing, is the surrender. Kind of a theme in my life, huh? The Road to Surrender is a lonely, dusty, crazy path, but is well worth the intimacy with the Lord.
I know he knows all and sees all. I don't blame the past MD for the heartache I have had (although I did at first, but through much prayer, my heart changed). When I surrendered my heart and life to the Lord, it was everything. I believe he has every one of my steps ordered, and he will make good of the bad. He is that good of a God. I am not saying he caused my baby to die, but life is life since the fall. When Adam and Eve sinned, it caused sin to engulf mankind. The word tells us that it rains on the just and the unjust, and that life is full of seasons.
My true heart's desire is to be pleasing to him, and a complete witness.
I do find myself yearning for a new child. I have healed from the previous loss, have I forgotten, NO, but I have closure. I know that there is nothing I can do about it, but move on. I cannot bring that precious child back, and I must look ahead. I am very very thankful for the two I have, and I do not discount the fact that I am a mother. They are beautiful children that bring joy to my life, but I feel there is one more to be added to this crazy life and household.
I will continue to do Weight Watchers as long as I can. Even if I get pregnant, I hope to just add extra points for the pregnancy time. I just like the idea of writing my food down, and keeping track of my eating habits. I have also started exercising again, and I feel like I am getting back to who I was before I let myself go. The weight has crept up over the past 2 years, but I am determined to gain "myself" back and lose the weight. I like order and organization. Although, I cannot keep my car clean. Sorry, random thought, but true. If someone looked into my car, they would think I was a complete hoarder, and that my house was super disgusting...lol. It isn't at all. I need to add that to my New Year's goals....keep car clean..LOL
I am taking it one day at a time. I am not yet at the trying point, so I will not worry about that. I have to talk myself through things, and the Lord gives me strength to do so. One step at a time...One step at a time...I like to run ahead in my thoughts...What if this, What if that...It is a constant battle. The miscarriage really messed with my "fertility" thought process. The innocence of pregnancy is gone. I hate it too..I hate that it now carries baggage. I must place that in the Lord's hands. I am just heavy hearted with many things, and I have to, one by one,hand them over. Well, I won't be so long between posts like I have been, but life is busy with a 9 and 6 year old at home during Christmas break, so I hope to stay up to date.