It has been one of those weeks or should I say months...or several months? I am definitely in the desert on the way to my destiny. It has been the most difficult past several months. At times, I feel I have the complete inability to carry such a load. I know that the Lord is right with me, and sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much.
I can explain how I am feeling by giving an illustration. I have so many pieces of promise that God has given to me pertaining to my life through prayer. Imagine those pieces floating around. They have no place to fall yet, and none of it makes sense. I will be glad when these pieces start coming together. I know what God wants to do, but that is it. I have no more information. At times, those days become very taxing on me emotionally and physically. I am not whining, I know what it takes to be a sacrifice before the Lord and some days it is just plain hard.
I have struggled this week. This week I would be 38 weeks, and more than likely being induced with our precious baby. I have shed many tears longing to hold my sweet boy. I know God has a plan, but I wanted to hold him, bathe him, and get to know him. I have 2 beautiful children here, and I do not take it for granted. I love and adore my sweet boy and girl I have. I just grieve because I wanted 3. Just because I have 2 here with me doesn't mean it makes losing our baby any less. It is like there is one person missing. We had a name, and were dreaming and making plans for him to meet us. All of us were looking forward to holding him.
I don't ever pretend to understand any of this life, I just know God promises to never put more on us than we can bear. I am walking through this journey with my hand in his. He never said I couldn't cry or ask him why? I can be "Me" at the foot of the cross. He created me, flaws and all. I have to know that he LOVES me regardless.
I think so many times we feel like we have to wear a mask, and be presentable before the Lord. We must present ourselves as having it all together. WE are lying when we don't let him in to our imperfect world. We must let him in the broken places, and yet he may not fix them immediately, he is there to carry us. When you go deeper in the walk with him, and desire more of him, the testing time comes. The testing time is probably the hardest place to be. No answers, No explanations, Makes absolutely no sense, but the only thing we can do is walk and keep doing so, blindly. It isn't easy not knowing what the future holds, but we serve the future holder. Things may not go our way, but when we commit to him, we must trust and be transparent.
The hardest thing is being transparent. In this world, if you admit weakness you are considered a failure. This is true in the "church" world, as well. In the the world's view, we must pull ourselves up by the boot straps, and go on. I disagree with that. There are times when your heart is in a million pieces and the only thing that can be done is "face in the carpet praying". God wants our transparency, he wants us to be real. So, I think I have accomplished that part, and have carpet burns on my face to prove it..LOL. I am not super-woman, and I don't have it all together. I need him more now than I ever have, I sure hope the puzzle pieces come together soon.
