The season of change

I spent a lot of time over our Christmas break downloading songs on my Ipod. I love music and what it does for the soul. I love it with a passion, but I have not one lick of talent in that area. I wish I did. Music ministers to my very soul, it takes me "away", and lets me imagine myself with the Lord. I have often spent times of prayer with the Lord, and sung him "made" up versions of praise. I know he loves it, I am his daughter. He takes what is not so lovely and makes into beautiful music. I have a voice only my Father could LOVE, and he does. It has been my secret prayer that God would give me musical talent. I still can't figure out how I can be a preacher, and have not one ounce of musical ability....LOL. Oh well, he knows.
Anyhoo, I have had the most amazing days since the first of the year. I didn't say they were easy, but they have been amazing. I have battled physically the ill effects of the birth control pill, and the real "me" was crying out to God to let him know this ill, grouchy person was really not me, but sheerly the devil trying to overtake my body (j/k). We, females have to go through so much, but what we endure is so worth the outcome. I have pondered on the things that have transpired in our lives over the last year, and you know, God is so faithful. Has it been easy, NO!!! Have I cried more tears than I ever have before, YES!!! Have I ever been any more broken than I have been, NO!! You know what?? I appreciate the pain.
I love the Lord more now than I ever have before. I love him when I cry because of the death of my baby. I love him when ministry opportunities are not there. I love him when the birth control pill transforms me into a mean mean woman. YOu know what, it isn't about any circumstance in my life.....He is and always will be God. I will stand at many season changes, and he will always be there. A FAITHFUL, LOVING, and AMAZING FATHER!!!
Even in the midst of my gut wrenching cries out to him, he takes it, and he loves me as his daughter that I am. He has never once turned his back on me, ever. Has the enemy tried to convince me that he has forgotten about the dreams that he has placed into my heart, YES. Am I persuaded to believe these at times? Tempted to quit? YES, YES, YES!!.... But somehow the awesomeness of his Spirit puts his arm around me to nudge me to move forward, even blindly....and I walk. Do I know where I am going? Nope, sure don't, but I am walking with the love of my life. Does it matter the season? No, when it is winter he gives me a covering. When it is Spring, he gives me an umbrella. When it is Summer, he fans me. When it is Fall, he gives the vision to see such beauty in the midst of the fallen.
I understand a lot more now that I have been through such brokeness. I can't really put into words what the Lord has done for me exactly, but I know a complete transformation has been done. I know longer wonder how things are going to take place, I just know if he said it, he will do it. I must keep my hands busy about his business, and trust he will lead the way.
I still have dreams that God has placed inside of me that have not waivered. I must step as he steps, and know we will reach the destination one day. I must obey his every command to acheive my heart's desire in him. I desire to be used of him in such a mighty way. I want to be the minister of the word he has called me to be. I want to be used as a vessel of honor to see his sick, broken, and abandoned children come home and be healed. Most of the time the journey is what it is about, we never really arrive at completion. We just enter and exit seasons of change. Are we different after coming out of each season? We should be transformed and ready for the new one.
I have thought a lot about our next child. Will the Lord allow me to have another? I hope so. What kind of journey will it be? I am not sure. How long will it take? I am not sure of that either. Is God present through it all? YES. I have braced myself in the Spirit for whatever may come my way through the next chapter. I am settled within myself to trust the Lord. I love him, and I know he has my seasons planned out for the betterment of his kingdom. I am a child of the King, and I know he has a purpose for everything. I just have to trust and not let anything hinder my commitment to him. Not trusting is the same as having a lack of faith, and it is such an insult to our Father to not trust him. His word says it, His Spirit says it, and we must march along with our hand in our Fathers as we journey through this thing called life!!! Does it hand us some knocks? YES....but God gives us cushion!!!!