Busy Time of Year, isn't it?

Well, I haven't posted in a week because I have had NO time to sit down. We have been running, running and more running. My rugrats have kept me busy. Last Monday, my son had basketball practice, then Tuesday he had to sing at the Read House (a very beautiful hotel) with his school choir, Wednesday was church, Thursday he had a basketball game, Friday I had to speak and attend ourLadies Christmas Party at church, Saturday was my weight watchers weigh in and my son had another basketball game, and Sunday was church in the morning, my sister's birthday party all day, and then back to church that night. I am also working 37.5 hours a week in the middle of all of that.

I am very proud to say I lost 2lbs my first week back to weight watchers. I feel very accomplished because we had 2 goodie days at work. When I say goodie days, I mean 2 long tables put together FULL of everything you could imagine of holiday food. Then, I had a party Friday night that was full of goodies there as well. I go to weight watchers on Saturdays, so we will see how I did this week.

I do enjoy being busy during this time of year, but sometimes it becomes completely overwhelming. I have had to spend a lot of time in prayer to keep my attitude joyous because if not, the stress can take over. I do feel so much better since I have changed my diet and I have been exercising 5-6 days a week 30-40 each time. I am doing my best to let go of the past, and look to the future. I feel like as I lose weight my past is melting away, and I am making a much healthier home for my next little one.

I am continuing on the low dose birth control, and it has seemed to help tremendously. I am relieved that I have a break, and I don't have to worry about trying for a "baby" again for a little while. I am able to get myself together, and be ready and whole the next time. My heart still yearns for another one, but I know it will happen in due time. I need to get myself back before I can house another life. I want to be completely whole, physically, emotionally, and spiritually before we proceed. I do have scars on my heart pertaining to this last incident. I lost my faith in the medical system, in which I am apart of. I know mistakes can happen, but unmentioned things were handled very flippantly. I just have to pray everyday that God gives me the strength to heal more and more as time goes on.

You know for some reason my heart aches for another son. I am not sure why. I absolutely adore my two I have. My daughter is an absolute JOY to have. My son is also a JOY. I think the reason why my heart yearns for another son is because I really believe with everything that I have that baby we lost was a boy. When I look at my son now, I wonder would his brother have looked like him, acted (OH MY!!!) like him, or played ball like him? It can be very consuming at times, but I allow myself to go there as I need to. God is still Good and faithful even through the roughest of times.

WEll, I will keep posting as I have the time. Merry Christmas to all who read!!!

The weekend flew by...

I was very tearful on Friday, it was one of those very emotional days. One of my very good friends had her baby. It was a very sore reminder that I am NOT pregnant and I will not having a baby in 11 weeks. I am thankful that the sad days have became minimal, but there really isn't a day that goes by that I don't long for my baby. I will always miss him. I will always feel like something from me is missing, no matter how many more children we will have. I am learning to step as the Lord steps, and learning to trust him. It has been a hard lesson to learn, and I am sure I will need remedial courses every now and then.


The weekend went rather well. We spent Friday night at home most of the night after we met my mother in law for dinner at our favorite mexican restaurant. On Saturday we woke up to the most amazing snowfall we have seen in years. It was gorgeous. We had to get up early and have our son to his first real school basketball game, and we were able to enjoy the snow for a few minutes. I took pictures, and I am so glad I did because it was gone by noon that day. My little man did pretty good in his game. I get so nervous for him because he is so new at it, and there are several boys on the team that are experienced. I could tell he was nervous, but I am encouraging him that he can do it, just to keep trying. He does have athletic ability, but he has to believe in himself. I am learning to let the coach do the coaching, and we parents need to do the loving and encouraging. My sweet daughter wants to play softball this year, so I am anxious to see her play.

I did attend Weight Watchers on Saturday morning, and it was good to be back. I have gained about 14lbs from my goal weight over the year and a half. I expected it to be that amount of weight gain. I am okay with it. I am at a place where I am so glad to find myself again. Whew....long time a coming. Through this grief I have depended on others to help me, and they have. I have now reached a point where I am ready to fly solo again, me and the Lord. He is the only one who understands who I really am and my needs. I feel like the top layer is coming off, and I am getting to that place of healing. It is a slow process and I am not rushing into it. I am taking very cautious steps forward to regain my identity. It is time to pull myself up by the boot straps, and start hiking again.

I want to be in a place when we try again, that all signs of this last loss are gone. I want to be a new person, and be able to start fresh. I guess you could say Saturday was a new chapter for me. I am going to take the next several months and seek the Lord for complete healing for my mind, body, and soul. I know we will know the right time, and until then I will continue to march. My physical body is no where near ready to carry a new pregnancy. I am not mentally ready to embark on the journey just yet. I also need to spend some time with the Lord resting in him before any major decisons are made. My arms to ache though, they yearn for another baby. I just know that waiting is the best thing right now. Spring time seems like the perfect time to try, it is a sign of freshness and life. Although, it may take longer than Spring time to conceive.....it is a good place to start.

Can't wait until this passes

I have a good week so far, so glad it is Friday. I have been really really exhausted. I am not sure why, but I am. I am still having side effects from my last D and C, and it has been discussed with my MD. I have continued to cramp and have spotting and I am 3 weeks post op. She gave me one of 2 options...one is to wait it out, and the second one is to go on a low dose pill for 2 months. I opted for the pill. I really in my heart am not sure I am ready to get pregnant again right now, even though we got the okay to try after one cycle. In a sense, I do not trust my uterus. It is kind of sad I don't trust my body at this time. Things emotionally have improved, by that I mean I don't have a down day everyday. It is sporadic now, but I still despise the grieving the process. Today is day four on the pill, and I really can't tell any side effects as of yet. Unless, exhaustion is one of them.

I have made a committment to myself that I am going to think of "me" for a few months, and then make a decision. I am a life time member at weight watchers, and have not been in over a year. I have gained weight, and I feel miserable. I am going tomorrow, and going to recommit. I will continue on the birth control and take my prenatal vitamin. I am wanting to get back to the way I was, and start over in the Spring. This last episode has really knocked me backwards. I feel like I have lost my identity in all of this. So my journey for the next few months is to find "me" again. I have a tendacy to feel guilty when I do something for myself, like I am undeserving of what I do, but I can tell you I AM SPENT. My goal is to attend weight watchers meetings weekly, exercise 5 days a week, and become a healthier mom.

I am really at a road of indecision right now. I don't ever ever want to experience the heartache like I have, I guess you could say I am "gun shy". I have to work my way there, and I am praying the Lord gives me strength. I am also not a quitter, and I never quit in the middle of a battle. I guess I am going to take it one step at a time, or one week at at time. I am on the birth control for the next 8 weeks, so I have 8 weeks off to be concerned with myself. When I say that I don't mean I will self absorb and go crazy, but I am carving out time for me. The only person that can do that is me, and I am doing it now.

I have seen many blessings through all of this, and I thank God for them. I am just taking a breather for now, and I am going to regroup. Our whole household needs to regroup, because as we all know..."When momma isn't happy, no one is happy."...

Thanksgiving is over.....

I can't believe it is almost Christmas again, it seems like yesterday we were opening presents. I say that, but really it has been a really rough year to say the least. We spent Thanksgiving morning at home preparing our food. We then went to my Mother in laws house for lunch around noon. We had a nice time. We went back home for a little while, and then went to my parent's house for supper/dinner. After dinner, hubby and I went Christmas shopping for our kids and the rest fo the family. We were able to get some good deals.

The next morning, my best friend and I went shopping for Black Friday. We are up and gone at 220am. How funny is that? I felt like I had worked a night shift by the time the day was done. We arrived at Toys R Us at 3am, and we shopped. My purchases came from JC Penney,but it was fun to get out and about in the hustle and bustle. If you are going to shop that day, you must be ready to be patient and expect delays. What I hate is people get out on that day and are grumpy grumps. We stood in line at Target for an hour. It is so neat, you stand in line with people and talk to them like you have known them forever. For the most part, everyone was pleasant. I was exhausted by the time we arrived home.

This weekend was a pivitol moment for hubby and I. He has asked so many questions, as to why I haven't been myself lately. He made comments that he wishes I was like I use to be a few months ago. I don't have answers for him, and I am trying to figure it out myself. I had to really look at him, and say "I have lost my baby, and my heart is broken, and I feel like I have had to do this all alone." That is one thing I can say about us losing this baby, is that I feel I have made the journey alone. I know that the Lord is with me, but sometimes in our trials we feel all alone. I have read a lot out of Job through this trial. I know he felt lonely, abandoned, and wanted the day of his birth cursed. We can feel lonely and abandoned in our moments of despair without losing our faith in the Lord. I call that endurance. When a runner is running, it isn't always pleasant during the run, but the end result is the finish line. We went to church last night,and the message was for me. He talked about being in peculiar places. A lot of times being in hard places doesn't always make us feel joyous, but something joyous will come out of it. WE can trust God in the midst of our storms because he is faithful. I have to keep reminding myself of this because the squeeze becomes so tight at times.

Physically, I am getting back to normal. I still have discomfort in my lower back and my bleeding has slowed. I am debating to try again after our first cycle, the doctor said it was fine. I am so leary and scared, but my arms long to hold another child. I am just praying for peace through this journey. I no longer want to be influenced by trials, but I want to be "steady" through them all. I am not a fan of a roller coaster life, but I want to stand on the rock even when the storms rage. I desire to please God most of all. I have struggled with unforgiveness concerning what was done to us during this second part of the miscarriage. I know in my heart that God will grant us favor, and we must trust him. I do know that through all of this I have a wonderful friend and sister in the Lord that God placed in my life to help in all aspects, and I thank him for that priviledge. God will use her to help us through the next chapter. God is so good, and I trust him even when I see nothing. I struggle with trust at times, but I must call out to him when the journey becomes so difficult. Within my flesh, I would want to handle it on my own. I can't and I must not do so. So I am seeking the Lord to teach me what he wants me to know. Out of these hard places we are defined.

Yay!!...finally the chapter has closed.

Today was a good day. I went to work, and then to a baby shower for a friend I worked with at the hospital. It was so awesome to see former coworkers. I have always loved the Mother Baby floor as a nurse, but doing it full time can be too much. I am a school nurse, and it works well with my kiddo's lives. I hope to work PRN next summer on the Mother Baby unit, if all works out it looks as if I will. My heart will always be in Mother Baby, and on that floor.

I went to the MD yesterday, and it went really well. I love love love my new MD. She is a true heaven sent gift to me. I took her a little gift as a token of appreciation for her kindness through this very difficult time in our lives. We discussed the surgery, and that she did the best she could to get all the placenta out. WE discussed the risk of this happening again, and the answer is unknown. We will probably know more when a new pregnancy happens. It can sometimes only be detected at delivery, but we have a plan if that does happen. Just so glad it wasn't brushed off as no big deal. She did lab work to test my HCG, and she said she didn't expect it to be normal just yet.

I did receive a call from the office, and they had my HCG result, and it was completely down...YAY!! I was so relieved to hear that. If it didn't come down to normal we would have to do a recheck, and if it didn't come down then another surgery would have needed to be done to remove more placental parts. So glad all is for sure back to normal. I hope my next call to the office is to schedule my new OB visit. I just love how faithful the Lord is. He placed exactly who needed to be in my life at the perfect time. She told us we could try as soon as my cycles return. I am now taking my prenatals again...

I can't look back now, it is time to move on....I know that the days ahead are ordered my the Lord. His hand has been on us this entire process, and although I felt alone, he was still there. There is a definite plan for our lives, and I just have to take one step at at time. I surrender this process to the Lord, and believe there is another child that is to be gifted to us. I do long for the child I lost, but I must move forward and hope the future is brighter...:)

Post op visit this afternoon, thoughts beforehand.

I am at work today!!.. I leave this afternoon for my post op appointment. I am still trying to process all that I have been through. I have a lot of decisions to make. I know when the MD did my surgery that she said that she believes we were dealing with a placenta accreta due to her having such difficulty removing the placenta during the D and C. I have researched this quite a bit, and it can be very dangerous if not recognized early in a pregnancy. I could have carried the baby to full term and had a massive hemorrhage after delivery, and the accreta not be recognized until then.

My questions are, how at risk will I be next time to get an accreta? Is it worth me going through the trouble of trying again if there is a risk? I mean I have 2 perfectly healthy children and a wonderful husband. Am I being greedy? I mean I could accept the fact that I have a baby in heaven waiting on me, and process it, deal with it, and move forward with our lives.

If you would have told me that I would be going through this 4 months ago, I would have told you NO. My main worry then was trying to keep fluids down so I wouldn't have to be readmitted for dehydration. I feel like I worked too hard to stay pregnant, that I endured so much to make myself work for the baby. I am really actually grieving the loss of my child. I never knew a miscarriage could have such an effect on me. I am doing better, but it isn't too far from my mind. I am not in a depressive state, but do long to hold my child. I know I have 2 precious children at home, and I love on them and thank the Lord they are healthy.

I feel it is almost time to lay this behind me and move forward. I cannot let it paralyze me anymore. We are approaching Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I am going to throw my energy into preparing for those. I have got to learn to trust the Lord in all things. I have to. I love what my new MD said to me..."Lindsey, if you feel in your Spirit that you are suppose have another child, don't get discouraged, it will happen. Listen to the Holy Spirit.."...I know that she was sent to me for such a time as this. I just have to readjust. I just don't want to take away from the family I already have. So today I will ask questions, and hopefully get answers. I will take the time over the holidays to regroup. It is perfect timing because normal cycles don't resume until 4-6 weeks after D and C's. So that is great....New Year's resolution...to have a baby!!!...maybe..LOL...

Saturday Saturday Saturday

We went to my son's first basketball jamboree game this morning. He was so excited to be able to play on a team he was picked for. I loved it as they introduced the teams and the announcer calls out their names, as if they are pros. I got teary eyed. Even though I am able to enjoy the things with my kids I have here, the loss of our baby isn't too far from my mind and mostly my heart. It continues to be such a heavy feeling in my gut.

I can tell this grief overtakes my mind at times. My daughter (6) had a birthday party to go to this weekend. We came home from the game, and got her dressed for the party. WE drove to the location, and guess what?, it is tomorrow.. Wow, I felt so stupid. My mind has NOT been clear at all. I feel so restless at times, but I know God is right here with me. I just hate having to go through the fleshly pain.

I often think about what he would look like, and if he would love sports like my other son does. I have also had a shock today. A friend I knew from high school died today. Wow. I think about how fragile life can be. I just don't know what to do about all of this. When we lost the baby the first time, I was able to be in contact with a Bereavement counselor at a local Hospice agency. It really helped in September after the first D and C. She brought me a book called "Born to Fly". I think it is just now registering that I will not have my son in March. I have had to let him go. I miss him, and I only had him near my heart for 13 weeks. I look into my son's eyes now, and wonder if he would have looked like him. I know that I will get to see him when I get to heaven, but my arms and heart long for him. For my birthday in October, my dear hubby got me a birthstone ring that represents the month I miscarried. I wear the peridot everywhere I go. A symbol of my sweet son. My other two precious children also got me a birthstone to represent their birth months. I remember sobbing when I received all three. I do wear them all, but have worn the "baby's" more, since I have the other two with me.

I have had just an identity crisis through all of this. Like, who am I? What am I doing, and what have I been doing? I feel like this pregnancy robbed me of so many things. I mean, I was bedridden for 7 solid weeks for extreme vomiting. I feel like I did all of that for nothing. I mean I know that all things work together for good. My spirit man knows better, but the flesh always has questions. I am one who likes to have all things figured out. HMMM...Wonder if the LORD is trying to teach me something? I have been told that this will be a distant memory one day. Well, I did better the first time, but this has truly knocked me off of my feet.

I have had so many thoughts run through my head. Do I want to do this again? I mean with the lingering questions of the possible accreta. I also wonder, how will I adjust again when I have a son who is 9 and a daughter who is 6? I quickly answer myself. A baby brings new life and joy. WE need that, life has gotten rather stale. I know that I will find my identity again, and that JOY will sure come in the morning. I have JOY in the LORD, the flesh just has to realize it.

A Field Trip...

I spent the day with my sweet daughter. WE went on a field trip with her 1st grade class to the local zoo. It was a little chilly, but we had a good time. I am really trying to put all of the past few weeks behind me and move forward. We had a very nice lunch together at our favorite chinese restaurant. It beat a brown bag lunch anyday. I loved it that she didn't want to sit across the booth from me, but wanted to sit beside me, and hang onto my arm.

I feel so blessed to have 2 beautiful happy children. I did, however, have to really get on my precious son for leaving my cell phone out on the porch steps. He uses it when he goes to the neighbor's to play, but didn't bring it in. We had a stressful morning, but got through it. I received a call on our way home from the field trip, and it was my son telling me he forgot his basketball bag in the car. The day of a mother never ends. So thankful I am feeling better emotionally today. I hope it continues.

Whew these emotions!!!

Well, it has been officially 8 days since my last D and C. I have had a lot to take in and process over the last few weeks. I feel like the rug has been jerked out from under me. I am doing better emotionally as of today, but I do still cry at times. I spent the weekend really grieving the death of this baby, again. I have been longing to hold him, and see what he would have been like. I say "he" because I know in my heart of hearts it was a boy.

I spent a day with one of my dearest friends the day before I returned to work. Our sons have made the basketball team at school, and they have uniforms. We got our daughters t-shirts to match their uniforms with the number on the back to say Sister of.... It was a wonderful day, but I hate what grief does to you. I can smile, but that feeling in the pit of my stomach reminds of the loss of my child. I call it the grief monster. I remember talking with her about how I miss being in my 20's, being blonde, and carefree. Of course, I got married at 19, had Trenton at 21 and Sarah at 24. I call it the best years of my life. My 30's have NOT been nice to me, in more ways than one. I know that the Lord has a plan, but whew it has not been very nice to me.

I have not only had to grieve the loss of my child, but in a different way, the loss of my caregiver, MD, that I have had for 13 years. I did call into my new OB/GYN (she is a complete God send), and left a message for her to call me back. I needed to talk with her about these horrible emotions, and do I need medication. Well, I just needed to talk to her. She returned my call after seeing patients, and we talked about this whole process. She is such a precious person, and so patient with me. She said that the D and C was so hard, and if she was the one that did the first surgery, it would have happened to her. She tried to use suction, and wasn't successful. She used ultrasound as a guidance, but had to use the hysteroscope (camera) as a guide. She was able to remove baby whole, and I have pics of him in her palm. She wanted to make sure I wasn't offended by getting the pictures, she didn't want to make my grief worse. I told her "No", not at all. She gave me such a gift when she did that. She knew that as a mother, it may bring closure. We discussed that I had a probable (can't confirm definitely without path report) Placenta Accreta with this pregnancy. I look back now, and I realize this was definitely a problem from the beginning of this pregnancy. I had severe nausea and vomiting to the point I could barely lift my head for 8 weeks. From week 5.5-13, I was on Zofran 8mg every 6 hrs, and was still vomiting. I was hospitalized at 6 weeks for hyperemesis for 2 days, and left the hospital on prednisone and zofran. I did research on elevated HCG (which in women can cause severe nausea and vomiting), and it said that placental issues can cause the skyrocketing of HCG. My body was trying to compensate for the malfunction. I do not have lab work to back this up, but I knew something was up. We continued to talk about my emotional health, and she wants me to grieve this loss without meds, and see how I am in a few weeks. She did say she would give me meds, but I know if I don't deal with it now, I will later. So, I decided to take her advice. I see her again on Monday, and we will go from there. I will be at risk to have this condition again in the next pregnancy, when we get there. Wow, I have had 2 perfectly healthy deliveries in my 20's and after 30, it is a whole new scenario. Hoping my 30's will be better after all of this.

I have cried so many tears, I think I am out. I have grieved the loss of my baby, and the trust I once had in my former MD. Even though, it may have not been preventable as far as the surgery goes, but how come I didn't have lab work taken? I know it is a complete possiblity to have to go back for another D and C, but good grief, the baby, placenta and umbilical were still there. I have no idea why, and God only knows. I know that I cannot dwell on it, but I have to trust his hand. I am a chosen child of his, and everything that happens in my life he has control over. My new OB wanted me to know that I could return to my old OB if I wanted to, that it would not offend her. I was like, ummm, NO. I have reached a new place in my "fertility", that I need someone to hold my hand through this. I need someone who will not just pat me on the back and tell me that pregnancy is like a "flip of a coin", and I can have more children. I was led to believe that this 2nd D and C was for a new pregnancy, and that I had miscarried baby #2. Accident or NO accident, that is too hard to swallow, and to go right back as if nothing has happened. I forgive, but I can also move forward. I did, however, let my old MD know that the surgery went well, and all is fine. He did seem concerned beforehand, and I wanted to let him know out of complete respect.

I have many thoughts run through my mind. Do I really want to chance this again? I have 2 complete healthy children at home that are 6 and 9. I worry that my next child will be the "runt", and I have discussed with the hubby, that maybe the possibilty of having 2 more. He said it is out of the question, and that if I have a c-section next time, I could have my tubes tied. whoa!!!....I am not ready to discuss that one. Oh, well, I guess it is time to move ahead and grieve this one. I suppose it will change when I can start trying again. My new OB said that we can try again after my first period. We will see.

The Road to Forgiveness!!!

I am sitting here now about 9 weeks post d and c, and it has been a journey. I had the d and c September 1, 2009, and I thought I would be moving forward, but there has been a bump in the road. We were cleared to try again after my 2 week post op check, and being anxious to have another child, we started. I began what I thought was a new cycle on September 26, which made me so excited, I was like wow, this is great we are already on track.

I approached October 24 with anticipation, and thinking we may have had a chance to acheive our goal. That day came and went, and I waited thinking I will give it a few days. On Monday, Oct 26th, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was excited that we finally get to put the loss behind us. We didn't tell many people, only close close immediate family and friends. I was very guarded through this, I was not letting myself feel that pain again...I knew that the innocence of pregnancy was forever lost, and that the pure joy of pregnancy also brought, the dread. On November 7th I was spotting a small amount, but something inside of me was pressing me to call my doctor. I mean a small amount of spotting isn't a big deal early in pregnancy. I would have been 6 weeks by my calculations, and they were gracious enough to let me come in to ease my mind. There was nothing they could do if I was losing this baby too.

I went to the doctor's office and the lab tech drew my blood, and put me on the ultrasound table. It was the same room I was in when my doctor told me my baby was dead at 13 weeks gestation, only 9 weeks prior. I hated that room, and hated sitting on that table looking at that ultrasound machine. Soon after I got upon that most adored table, my doctor came in. He asked how I was doing, and I just responded that I was nervous. He proceeded with the ultrasound and after a few seconds, I knew something was wrong by the look on his face. He said the baby he saw on the ultrasound was measuring 11 weeks, and we started going over when my D and C was performed. So we went on my dates, and he said that more than likely I conceived exactly 2 after my D and C. After he said that, he said that the baby didn't have a heartbeat either. This could not be, again, I thought. I had tears, but something inside was saying this isn't right. He and I discussed the options and he said I would have a D and C again on the followingTuesday. I left the office saying to myself and outloud that this isn't right and it is very strange.

I got home on Friday, and I called back to the office and asked to be scheduled to come in again for another ultrasound. I did not want to have surgery without being at complete peace about it. Then it hit me, This is the same baby...It has to be...I know it is....

I had a very emotional weekend, knowing I needed answers...I began to think about getting a second opinion...I thought of a doctor that I had gotten to know when she was a resident at the hospital I worked at a few years before. I did go to church that Sunday, and attempted to go on as if life were normal, but my heart was so heavy. Did I lose another or is this the same one? It wasn't good either way.

Monday morning approached, and I called the new MD's office hoping and praying she would see me because she doesn't accept new patients. I left a message for her. I had an appointment with my current OB's office for the second ultrasound. Thank goodness my sister went with me. Right before I went in to the current OB's office the new one called, and the MD accepted me as a new patient. I was to see her that afternoon. I went ahead to the current office, and I wasn't expecting to see a MD, I thought it was just an ultrasound. When I got there, I was placed into a regular exam room, and one of the MD's in the office came in a checked me and did another ultrasound. We discussed dates of the D and C, and etc. He proceeded with the ultrasound, and there it was plain as day (different ultrasound machine), the baby...not a new one, but the same precious baby I had carried and who died within me....I asked two simple questions.."Is this a new pregnancy?", he said NO....I said "Same baby?", he said "yes"...Wow, I was right. Now, I had a flood of emotions that ran through me...I was sad because a mistake was made, and I had to move forward. I was happy in a sense that I didn't lose another baby.

I was so hurt and felt betrayed, What if my regular Md knew he made a mistake and lied to me. I cried, out of being so disappointed. I could handle being told it was the same one, I mean I worked in OB, I know these things can happen. When I was leaving, I canceled my surgery with my current MD, and transferred my records to the new office.

I had an appointment for another ultrasound at the new OB office later that afternoon. I went home in shock that this could be the same baby. I made it to the new office with time to spare, and I had a lot of time to think. I was called back, and went to the ultrasound room. The ultrasound tech could not believe that I had a D and C 9 weeks before. There it was again, my little baby with No heartbeat, again. My precious angel-child that I had so many hopes and dreams planned for.I finished up in the ultrasound room, and was placed in a room to see my new doctor.

She came in the room and gave me the biggest hug...I thank God I knew her when I worked as an OB nurse and she was a resident. We discussed everything, and she confirmed it was the same baby. She said she would do the surgery on Wednesday morning, and we talked about my feelings about it all. I just felt like I had closed a chapter and was ready to move on. The rewind button had been used, and I was back in the same spot I was in....back to square one...just like 9 weeks prior. I know God placed her in my life for such a time as this. He knew I needed someone that truly knew him, and could show his love.

I was relieved to be able to have answers.

I drove home in a state of disbelief. I had been given a prescription for antibiotic, so I went to the pharmacy. I had been trying to process this all along, that I had a baby inside of me that had been dead for 9 weeks, and the surgery before was suppose to take care of it. What happened?

I went home, and went to bed.

The next day, the hospital called and they needed me for pretesting. I waited until my husband got off from work to go, I didn't want to go by myself. On my way to the hospital, I received a call from my OB that I have used for the past 13 years. He called to see why I didn't have the surgery. I explained that it was the same baby, and we talked for a little bit about the technical part. I went onto pretesting, and a few errands after that. I began to think about what had just occurred, and I wanted to share how I really felt about everything. I had discussed the technical part, but I wanted to tell him my feelings (the best part of being a woman, the feelings..LOL). I got back in touch with the MD, and was able to tell him how I had felt betrayed and lied to. He was gracious enough to let me vent. I was not at all rude or disrespectful. I know that doctors are humans and make mistakes. He said everything he got out of the previous D and C, was products of conception and he felt secure that all was gotten. It eased my mind to know that it was all unintentonal, and I believed that, I really did.

I was very restless the night before surgery...Then morning arrived, and off we went. I was filled with so many overwhelming emotions. It had been a crazy couple of days, but I know God had given me strength. I arrived at the hospital, and was admitted pretty quickly. The nurse began talking to me and asking about the surgery...and knew it was a D and C for retained products of conception...I wanted to scream, "The products are my baby, the whole baby"....She was so attentive, and eased my nerves as she put my IV in. I have such frustration with the idea of being the patient and not being the nurse. I like to be the one in control, not the vulnerable one. Soon after she finished, my MD came in, and what a precious person she is. She came in and prayed a really touching prayer with Lloyd and I, She prayed for strength for herself to do the surgery, the OR staff, Lloyd and I , and I know God was with us through it all. I then, was asked to walk to the OR, and I proceeded down the . Right after I had gotten settled on the table, my doctor comes in and holds my hand and talks with me. I still had so many unanswered questions that no one could answer. She stayed with me until a few seconds before I went to sleep, and I will never forget that. I will never forget her kindness that she showed through such a gray time in my life.

I woke up in recovery and I remember her being beside me and saying she was there, and she was going to talk to Lloyd. I was hurting a significant amount more than I did the last time. I remember them saying they were giving me Morphine, and I felt nauseated immediately. I received my trusty Zofran and it didn't work....then I received Phenergan. I was in recovery for a short time, and I was wheeled to my day surgery room. Lloyd was waiting on me, and I remember being fuzzy headed. He and I talked, and he said that the doctor came to talk to him...she said it was the hardest D and C she has ever done and she had to use the hysteroscope to guide her through my uterus. My placenta was embedded in the lining of my uterus, and the whole fetus was in there as well. She had to use instruments to pull my placenta loose from my uterine wall. It was only suppose to be a suction D and C. Lloyd also told me she gave him pictures of my baby, and my uterus. I wanted to see them immediately, so he gave them to me. Finally, closure....There was my little baby, laying there lifeless with the looks of a baby bird that you find on the ground after it had fallen out of the nest , discolored and gelatin like. It didn't matter to me, that was my child, and even though he didn't look good there, I know he is well and in heaven. It was such a blessing to see my baby laying in the doctor's hand that performed the surgery. She had done that and kept him in one piece for me. God is so good, even in the hardest of times. I have those pictures to keep, and no one else may know the signifigance of that, but it is priceless. I had proof of the little booger who had caused me to be so sick, there was no more emptiness. All the anger and frustration that I had carried melted away.

I have been faced with many questions about the lack of care from the previous doctor, and would I proceed legally. My answer is NO. God gives us grace and mercy freely and abundantly. I am not going to take what he gives to me and not give it to someone who is in need of grace, mercy and forgiveness. We are faced everyday with challenges of whether we will be like Christ or like the world. There is more freedom in giving forgiveness than gaining riches. We are to do things in this life that are Kingdom impacting. I have forgiveness in my heart and a realization that we are mere mortals with an awesome God. Yes, this has been a hard road, but God is the giver of strength. I don't understand why I had to endure the emotional, physical, spiritual pain of this magnitude, but I do know that God is the one who restores. Instead of being angry at the one who made the mistakes, I pray abundant grace, blessings, and peace with the Lord for their life. That in and of itself is the greatest gift I have received through all of this. I have been able to give the gift of forgiveness......in a situation where it would be so easy to have bitterness and unforgiveness, I choose to forgive!!!!!

THE BROKEN DREAM....

Gosh, things have been crazy the last several months...School was over the last week end in May, and the summer flew by, and now here we are.
I did several things over the summer involving church. I spent the week of campmeeting helping usher the night services. I worked 3 weeks at Church of God youth camp as the Camp Nurse. I worked the Senior Teen camp, was off for 2 weeks, and then worked two more.
The weekend before my 2nd week at camp we found out we were having our 3rd child. I was so excited. I had known all along that we were meant to have a 3rd child. I spent that full week at camp, and had a few symptoms of pregnancy. I was very tired. I went home on Friday, and the sickness began. I went back for the Junior mini camp, and endured the entire 4 days sick as a dog. All I wanted to do was go home. Trenton, my 9 year old, was there, so I got to see him enjoy himself.
After that week of camp, I pretty much was bed ridden. I was admitted to the hospital the following Monday for dehydration. I had "hyperemesis", and swallowing my own spit was a chore, and at times I couldn't do that. It was paralyzing, but I knew things were going the way they should due to me being so sick. I was dismissed from the hospital on day 2, but I was still throwing up. I was hoping the fluids would help, but to no avail. I went to bed when I got home, and was there for days. It took everything I had to take a shower and brush my teeth. I just remember laying on the couch, and watching my other 2 as they played outside. I could see them, but couldn't do anything with them. I went to the doctor the next week for my first prenatal visit, and I asked him to do an ultrasound to make sure there was only one in there. I was SO sick, and I wanted to be sure. There the baby was, the precious child I was working so hard for. It was so amazing to see that little heart flutter. Instantly, it was all worth the vomiting. The sickness, in itself, was very lonely. I felt like the pregnancy and I were not getting along very well. I missed being the wife that cleans the house and makes dinner. I missed being able to eat at the table with my family, I had to eat in another room in case I needed to vomit. There were days that I would throw up 10x a day. I was on Zofran 8mg every 6 hrs, and it helped some. It was like I was doing everything in my power to survive. All I could do was lay around.
In August, I started back to work, and I made myself GO. I was weak and sick at my stomach constantly. Even though, I was sick, I was beginning to "show". Being a school nurse, I had the summer to kind of get the sickness out, but I just had to tough it out. I just kept thinking to myself, this is worth it, it will be worth it in the end.
On August 26th, I was scheduled to see my OB for my 13 week check up. I had just started feeling better 2 days before. Finally, I thought, I can be human again. I was even able to eat and walk with the family at night. I can remember waking up the morning of my appointment, excited that I was going to HEAR the heartbeat for the first time. It was going to validate all I was feeling. It was a normal routine visit as far as urine and blood pressure goes. The doctor came in, and we were discussing my nausea and how rough it had been. He had the doppler out and was listening for the heartbeat. He used the probe to move around my stomach, but only the sound of my bloodflow. It didn't surprise me because this had happened with my daughter. So off to the ultrasound room we went. I sat up on the table humorously discussing the "swine flu " vaccine. He put the ultrasound probe on my stomach, and I saw the baby and the sac. The doctor was silent for quite awhile, and the next words he said shook me to the core, "This isn't good, there is no heartbeat." I felt a cloud come over me, and I was paralyzed with shock. I just sat there in disbelief. All I could say was..." I threw up and worked for nothing'. I was in the office alone because there was no need to have hubby come to my doctor's visit, this was my third and we were pros. The doctor told me that I would need a D and C, and it would be on Tuesday. My appointment was on a Wednesday afternnoon, so I would have to wait 6 days. He stepped out, and I called Lloyd to tell him that our baby was dead. I began to cry then, but trying so hard to hold it all together. I was to be strong, but I felt my strength leaving me with every breath. The drive home was spent calling my family and my dearest friends. I was worried about my kids, but the doctor said, they would be better than me. I got home and talked with the kids as I cried. They were so precious, and I was so thankful to have them. I adore my children, and that is why I wanted another one, because this one would have been as wonderful as my Trenton and Sarah.

I spent the next several days, sick and still having pregnancy symptoms. It was like a very weird place I had never been. Nothing was helping this pain I felt. NO kind words, cards, flowers, and kind gestures helped this pain. My whole world had been turned upside down. I did get out of the house some. I didn't want to be around a lot of people. In fact, I avoided it. I went to my sister's house when Lloyd took the kids to a birthday party. I felt safe there, and I laid in bed with her and ate chocolate cake and Burger King. Food tasted wonderful by this point. The following day , on Saturday, we went to eat and to my niece's purity ceremony at church. That was the first public place I had been since the loss. Most of the people didn't know I had lost the baby, well, I didn't lose him, he was still there, but wasn't alive. I pushed the thought out of my mind that I was carrying my dead child. I endured the night, and thank goodness shock was still in effect. I had people, tell me congratulations on the pregnancy.....I just politely said, "I lost the baby"...but I wanted to scream "I have my baby in me, but he is dead"....I didn't want nor did I feel happiness.
The next day was church, and I stayed home. I don't remember anything about that day. On Monday, the day before surgery, my friend came and helped me clean. Thank goodness for that. It was a great way to help me keep busy. It helped because I actually laughed that day. Later that night, I went to Ichiban with the family. I had craved it all along, but never could eat it. After we ate, we went home, and it I began to feel such a blanket of saddness come over me. Tomorrow is the day, I thought. I was up until really late that night, and would just sit there.

On surgery day, I woke up with a constant lump in my throat. We arrived at the hospital, and was called back rather quickly. I had a ton of support waiting in the waiting room, I just wish they could've made it better. As we were called back, our music pastor was there with us, and he prayed for me and the surgery. I walked into the pre-op room, and the nurse gave me the gown. I went into the bathroom, and I mumbled to myself "I hate this, I am not suppose to be here, I am suppose to be the nurse, not the patient, I can't believe I have to wear this thing,".....The staff were excellent. The anesthesiologist came in, we discussed my nausea, and he was going to give me the same medication I had been on. Then, my OB came in, and asked how my nausea was..I looked at him and said "Let's get this over with".. He didn't have much to say to me, and had his back to me most of the time signing my papers doing his thing. I was disappointed because I wanted him to fix it. I wanted to ask him so much, but didn't. I wanted to ask him.."Can you do another ultrasound to make sure", "Can you tell me what you see?"..."Can you tell if it were a boy or girl?". I just went with the flow though. Right before I went to surgery the nurse behind me, said "I know this isn't an easy day, but we are going to take good care of you." I began to cry, and cried all the way being wheeled to the OR..I just had so many thoughts going through my head..."I was thinking, They are about to suck my baby out of me.." I felt so powerless and out of control. I am suppose to be with it, I was that baby's mother, and I could do nothing to stop this process. All I could remember was the mask coming over my face in surgery, and then I woke up in recovery.

In the recovery room, the first words out of my mouth were "Where is the DR. , and did he see my baby?". I then came to, enough to realize that was an impossibility. I know he had to hurry to the office, but through this process he seemed so distant. I guess it becomes the norm, when you see it everyday. No one could really fix anything...I was alone pregnant and now I was alone without my baby. I wasn't alone physically, but emotionally I was alone. As I sat on the bed in recovery, I felt such a peace come over me, and I felt the Lord speak to me.."This is over, and you will be blessed again, you are blessed and highly favored."....and as quick as it came, it went. That was the first presence Of God I have felt since Day 1 of my pregnancy. I did well post op, and was sent home pretty quickly after surgery. I felt good physically, (hindsight says those were good drugs). I went home after surgery, and rested, but did my normal motherly tasks of helping Trenton and SArah do their homework.

The day after surgery, hubby stayed with me. I continued to feel so alone, even though he was there. We had a good day at home, and we ran some errands together. I was not prepared for what I was going to feel that night. It was bedtime for the kids, and I layed with them as hubby read the bible to them. After that, I went into our room, and crawled into our bed in a fetal position, and began to sob.....I had never cried so hard in my life. It was coming from my guts. Lloyd was beside me by then, I just kept saying "Why does this hurt so bad, I feel like my heart is ripped into pieces.."...Even through the death of my mother, I didn't feel this pain or emptiness.

The dreams I once knew have been ripped to shreds. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have so many questions that it would take a lifetime to answer. It hasn't been an easy road, and even being 4 weeks out from the loss, my heart hurts just as much. I have returned to work, and it has been a challenge on some days. It is like, at times, people have brushed my loss off as if I have passed a kidney stone. I didn't pass a kidney stone, I lost my child. In my heart as mother, I would dream of this child playing with my son and daughter. This baby was as real to me as they are because I had seen the dreams 2x before manifest.

I have been told that I should feel blessed because something could have been wrong with my child, and I wouldn't want it to be here sick. Yes, that is so true. It doesn't make it easier in the process. I have been told I should feel blessed that I have two others. Yes, and I thank God everyday, and it has made me cling to them tighter. I have been told, that the enemy would want to steal my joy. Well, you can't steal something that isn't there.

I am not so sure about this grieving thing, but it sure is not fun. I went to the doctor last week, and he said everything was fine. He told me that this is not uncommon, and that next time I would be treated like I was with this pregnancy. I am not considered high risk, that these flukes do occur. We asked him when we could try again, and he said anytime. That was the first time I had felt hope in almost 3 weeks....but then again I was scared at the same time.

I believed from day 1 that this baby was a boy. I know without a doubt. The day before I went to the doctor for the 13 week check, we picked a name for a boy....His name was going to be Aaron..The name means "Mountain of Strength"...So when my little boy died in my womb, I know I would need a mountain of strength to endure such a task at hand.

I feel like a failure at times because I don't know how to handle all of these emotions that I have. I am not the same me that I was 3 months ago. I know God is faithful, and my song these days is "The Anchor Holds"...I am a ship that is beaten so badly that my sails are torn, I have nothing left. I am stripped of everything familiar. I am a broken shattered mess. I know God understands all of this, and I have never been angry with him. I am just letting him be my anchor, and we are walking through this one step at at time. I am not sure of the reasoning, and I may never know. That is the mystery of this life. I just know that we will have answers one day.

I am doing the best that I can to handle this shaking. I have had to let go of worrying about other people's expectations on me. I have had to learn that when battles hit, that sometimes all you can do is "hold on".

If I had a picture of heaven right now, I would imagine that our God is so wonderful that he makes all things perfect. I know that my baby is in the lap of Jesus, and he is happy. He has never felt the sting of this life. I want him to know we loved and wanted him to a part of this family. I picture my mom holding and playing with him. I picture that when we get to heaven that she will meet me at the gate, and hand the baby to me for the first time. Wow. what vision and a reunion to behold. I don't know what heaven is like, but it is good to hold onto whatever gets you through.

It is a daily challenge for me to be around people. I struggle with things that once gave me joy. I struggle with the thought of going to church, I guess it is in those places where I feel most vulnerable. I don't like feeling exposed. I am numb in a lot of senses still, but I guess that will move on in time. I don't feel I need medication right now. I just need to be able to have time to move through this trial.

We are definitely planning on having another child. I have so many emotions about that. I am very reserved about going back into the doctor's office after the loss to start it all over again. I don't ever want to be in that situation again. I never want to be sitting on an ultrasound table again and be told my baby is not alive. I just have to hold onto the promise the Lord has given me, and know that the next one will be ours to see.

I spent the remainder of the week recovering, and I kept hoping the pain would go away.

The Peace of God....

Along the Road to Surrender, there is one constant....the Peace of God. During all aspects of the journey the Peace of God never changes. He is the stillness in the midst of the storm. I have found along this road, he is the only one who understands.

The parallel of Disappointment along the journey

Along the road to surrender I have definitely been met with the U turn of disappointment. We were offered the job as Youth Pastors after a long long road of prayer and fasting, but at the last second it was determined that it wasn't going to happen due to man's decision. I am not one to "pout" when I do not get my way with God, but Oh my, what a stab right into my heart. The real feeling of death came over me. Emotions I have never had came flooding through my heart and have been since.
I had to get away last night, just me and God, and I drove for over 2 hours while listening (on repeat) to the song "The more I seek you" by Kari Jobe. I just wanted to be with the one who understands me and whom I can really be myself around. I just really meditated on him, and really didn't have much to say. My tears said it all. I kept saying "I should be handling this better, and I am tougher than this." I began to just allow myself to grieve with no one around to tell me how to do it.
I began to ask the Lord, "Why does this hurt so badly, Lord...I was under the complete understanding that your WILL would be done, and I am okay because you are all knowing." I have faith in him completely, but I still had this great pain in the depths of my soul. As I began to pour out my heart, he began to show me in terms that I can really understand...he related to me as a woman.
He began to show it to me like this:
This whole "youth pastor" journey was a parallel to something being conceived in the spiritual realm, just like when a woman becomes pregnant with a baby in the physical realm. Imagine finding out that something you have been praying for over 8 years has happened, finally a Positive sign that life as been created. After you get the positive test, you begin celebrating the news by calling friends and family. They can't really gauge the overflowing joy because they weren't the ones in battle for years, they didn't spend the hours in the prayer closet petitioning the Lord, and most of all they aren't you.
You go along carrying the glow about you that God heard your prayers (and you knew it before it happened), you begin thinking of names, planning the room, discussing activities with your partner. Then unexpectedly, something terrible goes wrong, your "body" begins to let you know things aren't as they seem. You go to the doctor and you hear the dreaded news, "This baby is no longer alive, I am sorry." It is like a jab to innermost part of your soul, you begin to sob, because you had already made connections with this child. The death of a dream, the death of something you carried so deeply already, and God only understands the depth of it.
You then have to retreat, and tell family in friends to whom you celebrated with that the "baby" is dead." The family and friends try to offer some consolation, but sometimes their words hurt worse than help..."Well, it wasn't meant to be"....."God has a plan, and this was not part of it"...."There will be another baby one day"....Yes, all the above is true, but you say let me grieve this life first. I need to grieve the death of "this" dream.
This is what God showed me, and he has given me the okay to grieve this. I needed that time with him last night. I have come to the conclusion that he is the only true one who understands me, and I have learned through all of this that at times, it will only be me and him. I am at peace with that. I am not grieving this situation because "I did not get my way", I am grieving because I had conceived this, I had taken ownership of this, and I was ready to drop everything here, go work for his kingdom with a 100% effort, and finally do what I have been praying for.
I am not angry, I am not bitter, I am just hurt. It is like I feel in my Spirit that I am back to square one. I do trust the Lord, that as I go through this "healing" process that I will be stronger than before, but totally reliant on him. I understand God has a Perfect Will, and human doubt can affect his outcome. I have learned that Double minded people not only affect their own lives,but people involved as well. I know that all things work together for good. I trust my God and my Savior, and I know he is faithful. He can and will bring life again. I am settled in my Spirit to retreat for awhile. I am going to rest in HIM, know that he will show me the door as the time comes. I am at a place like mothers who have lost babies, I am not sure I want to try again soon. That may change, but I am at peace to lean on him.
The journey hands us some hard blows, but surrendering involves handing it all over...the pain, the tears, and the dreams. My prayer to the Lord is that I will be perfect in his sight, and that I am pleasing to him. I can grieve anyway I want to in his presence with no strings attached. Thank him for his realness, and his LOVE, and I have a place to turn. I can run into his arms, and rest.

Determination is required............

Along the road (journey) to Surrender the armor of the Lord should be worn, but without determination it is in vain. A warrior must stand firm in the presence of the Lord, and on his promises. The battle is not conquered by the weak, but by the ones who are determined to finish the battle. A warrior will finish the battle with wounds and scars, but will have finished. We have to push through the things of this world to take hold of our "promise" or "destiny", and fight for what is rightfully ours. It can only be fought through the Lord Jesus Christ, and none on our own. It is a complete surrender...

Many times during the battle we are only given a partial picture of the strategy, and are given the command to move one point at a time. We are rarely, if ever, given the entire strategy plan. God gives us what we need as we need it. It is a test of our faith, we in the flesh would run ahead, and make our own strategies. If we saw the whole plan, we would find some way to alter it or make it our own. We need to be so determined within our Spirit to go the whole distance, that we WILL finish. It must become our mission to please God and remain in step with him along the way.

We need to be so determined in our Spirit, that no matter the outcome, we will serve him. We will have defeats and victories. The journey to be completely surrendered has a cost. The cost will be our own will and visions for our lives. It is a complete dying to anything we would desire to be or do, and it is when we melt into one with the Lord that we become what we were meant to be. The war goes on within ourselves between the Spirit and carnal man, and it has been that way since the "fall" of man. That is why in the word he tells us that we must take up our cross daily...it is an every second, every minute, every hour, and every day surrender. This is the place where God would have us to be....so we can move forward in the fight under his direction and hand.

We must exercise our faith in the Lord. We are given tests along the way, to test our faith in him. We pray for things, and are tested.....Are you serving me for me or what I can do for you? We are to serve the Lord with such confidence with the mentality that "Lord, you have done it all, and I owe it all to you." We must stand firm, and be determined to serve him regardless of the outcome, as disappointing as it may be. WE must stand the test, and keep moving forward.

As a warrior, we must remain in top Spiritual shape. We must be completely conditioned in prayer and his Word. Around every corner there is an enemy that would want nothing more than to abort the plan for our lives. WE must be on guard and aware of the schemes....which are not very intelligent, and are the same ones being executed since the beginning of time. We must be ready to fight, and continue to do so. WE are just given enough light for the step we are on.!!!! Step as he steps...

The journey to complete surrender is not one that will be without battles. As long as we live in the flesh we will have to contend for the Faith, but it is not impossible. A true warrior knows the battle plan as it is given, and acts upon it with confidence. WE serve a mighty God who wants to be more than just a Captain in the battle, but wants to know his soldiers individually on an intimate level. He desires for us to be so engrossed in him, that we know his lowest whisper.

Fighting brings our own inner strengths to the surface we never knew we possessed.. Only when tested, we find out our strength. When we are pushed to the point that we aren't able to stand, is when we really find out how strong we really are. We learn that our strength comes from the Lord, and only through him are we truly able to fight. It is never within ourselves that we have the strength.

Let's BE DETERMINED to fight until the end, and achieve all God has for us. IT was never promised that it would be easy, but we can and WILL finish if we set our minds and strength to do so through him. . The greatest strength we can possess as warriors is the ability to surrender it ALL, for the sake of the Kingdom....The battle is his and only his.....We can do it through the power of his might and Spirit.......and be a true WARRIOR.

Entering the Battlefield.....

As I lay in prayer last night, the Lord began to speak into my Spirit something so profound. Many times when we are called in to the "ministry", we often think we have arrived, but in all actuality the battle has just begun ( everyone is called to minister). It is an enlistment, not by choice, but by command. We are drafted into the work of the Lord, and we must clothe ourselves with his protection and Spirit. Of Course, we can try to run from the call of God, but disobedience can prove to have greater consequences. Each one that comes to the Lord has a destiny to fulfill, and a path to walk.

In this day and time more than ever we need to know who our God is, and what his commandments are. We must be so familiar with his voice and his characteristics that it can't be mistaken for anything else. We must put on the full armor of the Lord, and get and be ready to fight. We must push through, and keep moving because there is an enemy that seeks to destroy. We must be aware, and always on guard...NEVER COMPLACENT...

Complacency is the state of the church world today. We're sitting around peacefully like there is not a care in the world, but the enemy is just a few yards away waiting to pounce. We are being rocked like a baby, and unaware of the war raging on around us. WE must stand and fight, and the only way to do this is, put on the whole armor and GO....

We must wage war on compromise and sin. WE must stand firm on the word of the Lord. WE must be a church of ACTION. The best way to war against this age is to profess the word of the Lord and become as one with our Savior.....Hide in him, Know who his is. .....

Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV)

10. Finally be strongin the Lord and in his mighty power. 11. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand 14. STAND FIRM then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15. and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16. IN addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests with this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

WE MUST put ON the full armor....It is like getting dressed for war. It is an action to be taken, if we are going to have revival within ourselves and then the church...PRAY..PUT ON THE ARMOR...AND GUARD....AND HAVE FAITH..OUR GOD IS ALIVE.....

The Prayer Closet.....

Along the Road to Surrender, I have found myself in the most sacred place of all, the prayer closet. I love to know that I can go to a place, hide and spend time with the Lord. When the waves of life's storms hit or I am celebrating life's victories, I can hide in the cleft of the "rock" of the Almighty God. I can visit the secret place of the Most High, and he welcomes me. It is a necessary staple in a Christian's life to hide in him, and to seek his face.

To know that when my Savior died, the veil was torn, and I can enter in without reservation. I will be going about my day, and I can feel that tug in my heart "Come away with me"....he desires for me to be in his presence. I know that I can go in, and fall at his feet, and worship him. It is time for me to lavish my praises on him for all he has done in my life, and just to love him.
I go in with no agenda, but to worship and adore him. I have found myself in deeper worship because all the "cares" of life have been surrendered at his feet. It is much easier to worship freely when the weights are removed, and there is freedom.

A battle is being fought when I enter the prayer closet. I have spent time in prayer, and felt like every demon in hell was being battled against. I love to see in the spiritual world, and sometimes the Lord allows me to see a glimpse of what is being done in a place where my human eyes cannot see. As I pray, I know that I am not praying to a dead God, but one who is living, breathing, and is working on my behalf.

My prayer life has taken a pivotal turn in the past few months, I no longer go in belting out my requests, but I have found a place of solitude where I can just sit in his presence. I can cry to him and worship him. He is the one who knows my every move and heart's desire. He understands me because he created me. The relationship that is birthed through prayer is unimaginable, and I would not minimize the need of prayer....the need turns into a desire to be in his presence.

I have complete understanding of the hour in which we live. If God's people are going to do anything for him, then it is a necessity that we seek his face. WE must understand what he is calling us to do. We have to hunger for his presence and his power. He is a God of motion, we must keep moving and searching for his will. He wants nothing more than to breathe fresh life on the church world of today, but we must seek after him. We must become as one with him, so when he steps we step. He is the leader, and we are the followers. NO more empty demands from the church, but open vessels for him to use for HIS glory. NO more moving ahead when he hasn't given the okay to do so. NO more hidden selfish agendas.....It must be in unison......

The Waiting Process

Gosh, where do I start??? Welp, one thing for sure is I don't wait very well.....I am the type of person, shoot it to me straight, and I will deal with it. I cannot stand to not know what is going on. Impatience steals so much valuable time, but still I struggle with it. God always has the big picture in view, and I don't. It is like a pregnancy....conception is instant, but things have to line up, grow, mature before it can be birthed.

At times, I feel like I have carried a spiritual baby for 900 billion years, and I am ready to birth this baby. God has been so good to me for so many years, and has always been faithful. Why would he change now? The test is, will I trust him no matter what? Will I trust him if things go completely opposite to the way I thought? I can say, absolutely. Will it be easy, nope....but following Christ isn't always easy.

I love what my precious friend, Ann, says "Disappointments turn into Divine appointments." Boy, I know God has turned many of my disappointments into Divine appointments. It is me, who turns into the impatient one, becoming all self centered. The only thing that matters is the betterment of his kingdom, and nothing about me!! It is not for our egos or for rank, but to see people's lives changed.

Sometimes a gentle reminder is needed on occasion....and as long as I am obedient to the reminder, it will all be okay. God is a big God, with big plans. I just cannot see them.....and that is what I struggle with. I like to drive from the passenger seat.....ask Lloyd:)

Empty vessels....

I have really been seeking the Lord for direction for our lives. I have felt such a transition in my Spirit, and the theme of my heart is......My vessel is empty, Lord use me. I have poured all of "my" hopes and dreams on the altar, and I have surrendered it all. I don't think I have ever been this empty...Not empty in a negative sense, but empty of all things that prevent me from being who God has called me to be. I

It is such a liberating thing to know that I can completely empty myself on the altar, but it is not a total loss....it is complete victory. It use to be such a challenge,for me, to give my self over to the Lord, due to fear. I have always been one who has had to be in complete control because I had to be from day 1. I have been a survivor, and defended and protected myself. It is a wall that I have slowly let down, and instead of a survivor, I am a victor.........

The shift in my Spirit, feels like I finally have wings to fly. I have been in training for 8 years of ministry, and had many false starts. The freedom from the Lord has been so awesome the last several weeks, and the time I have been pondering in my heart has arrived. I had a running joke, that I am the "career ponderer"....Many questions at times..."When God? Where God? How God?".........I no longer have those questions....it doesn't matter. I am empty, and ready to be used for his glory, no matter how, when, where, what...I am all his, like clay in the potter's hand. I have spent time in this journey watching other "ministers" speed by, while I was being instructed to sit and wait. Many times I would question the Lord..." Why does it seem like they are moving ahead, I am called too..What about me? What am I doing wrong?"

As we sit on the horizon, of a possible life changing experience....I have no fear....if it is God, it is...If not, there will be a door. I no longer seek the opportunities, they seek me everyday that I am a child of God. I am upward focused, and all the things will be added as he sees fit. There is nothing like having the wind blow under your wings....such freedom... to be flying high...knowing that all things are taken care of, and what I get to do is worship and serve the Love of my life. What more could be greater? That in and of itself is freedom.......

THE PREPARATION PROCESS

Well, we are preparing to go Jesup, Ga next weekend. I have been on a million websites looking for portable DVD players for our kids. Should I get dual screen or single? Crazy, is what I call it. I have about a million emotions at once going on inside me. It is almost like I am walking in a fog. It is a feeling of anticipation, which is wonderful. I haven' t had butterflies in my stomach in a long time, but I do now. I have two mindsets......One is so excited to see what God has in store for us, and that this could possibly be one of the most life changing things we have ever done...Two is...Have I built myself up to be let down?I have prayed for so long that God would open a door for us as a family. I am bracing myself for either. I know God has a plan and purpose for us, and if this is not it, it is okay. I have a feeling about this that I haven't had about any other, but he is the master planner.

In looking back, I know that a few years ago, we couldn't make such an incredible move. We weren't mature enough, nor on the same page. The most awesome things have transpired over the last two years. Lloyd and I have such a bond that is so strong that we will be able to endure anything together, and we are walking in unison. Not that we didn't love one another, but we were in a church where they didn't recognize him as part of "my" ministry (It has never been mine, but God's) . He was so beaten down, and felt worthless, and that for a man is NOT a good thing. He had no ownership in anything. We have been at our current church for 2 years, and he has really blossomed as a man of God. He understands that he is as much a part of this as I am. He often says "I am not like you, and I can't preach like you..." It doesn't matter, he can give what I can't. We compliment each other. He pulls me out of the clouds sometimes. I am absent minded, and I lose anything that is not attached (I would lose my head, if it weren't attached). I am the faith stepper, and he is the cautious one. He is so smart with money, and our bills. We have accomplished a lot since day one. I look back now, and God was also preparing him........now we are stepping together, and it is time to step out.

I have never stepped into a phase of my life, such as this. I thank God for precious people that he has put in our lives. I have gained many "soul mate" friends that I may have to leave behind, but Thank God for Verizon, Facebook and Myspace. I am not sad about entering into the next phase, God has been preparing me for years........and I am READY... I am ready to be the Woman of God that he has called me to be. I hold so many things that God has spoken in my heart that I ponder everyday.......It is our secret, and it will be wonderful......I love the following verses and cling to them all.....

Jeremiah 1:4-10....4Then the word of the Lord came to me [Jeremiah], saying,
5Before I formed you in the womb I knew [and] approved of you [as My chosen instrument], and before you were born I separated and set you apart, consecrating you; [and] I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.(A)
6Then said I, Ah, Lord God! Behold, I cannot speak, for I am only a youth.(B)
7But the Lord said to me, Say not, I am only a youth; for you shall go to all to whom I shall send you, and whatever I command you, you shall speak.
8Be not afraid of them [their faces], for I am with you to deliver you, says the Lord.
9Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth. And the Lord said to me, Behold, I have put My words in your mouth.
10See, I have this day appointed you to the oversight of the nations and of the kingdoms to root out and pull down, to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant.

Jeremiah 29:11..........For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.
12Then you will call upon Me, and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear and heed you.
13Then you will seek Me, inquire for, and require Me [as a vital necessity] and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.(A)


Luke 4:17........And there was delivered unto him the book of the prophet Esaias. And when he had opened the book, he found the place where it was written,
18The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.


The above is my Commission from the Lord, and I am so excited about what he is doing. I am a warrior, and will accomplish all that is set before me....I am confident in that...with ALL help from him...it is possible.

Until next time!!!!!

The journey Stop #1

Welp, I finished my resume on last Sunday March 29. I have had such an urgency in my Spirit to get it finished, and apply for Youth Pastor jobs on the Church of God website. I have been in contact with the North Georgia State Youth Director. I have been watching the website for awhile, and nothing has struck me.

I was in church that Sunday morning, and I have had such a stirring in my Spirit that change was coming quickly. I had just shared this with my friend Dawn at church that something was stirring within my inner man, to get ready for change. It is so unexplainable, but I know the voice of God. I just am so in awe with his realness, and his presence.

On Monday March 30, I saw a post for a Part-time Youth Pastor in Jesup, GA. I sent my resume that afternoon after work. I did some research on the town, and what is around it. It is 6 hours from "home". I don't know what drew me to that specific ad, but it hit me different than other ads on the job post page. I called Lloyd and told him I applied, and he wasn't too happy. He set boundaries that he only wanted Tennessee or North Georgia. I told him it couldn't hurt anything to apply. He was O-K, but still a litte apprehensive. Oh, well I thought. I sent another resume to Nauvoo, AL. It seemed like a logical choice, only 3 hours away. There is NOTHING in Tennessee. It is the whole change of life thing that he is scared of.

On Wednesday, April 1, I received an email back from the pastor at Parkway Church of God in Jesup, GA. As I was reading it, I was so overtaken with emotion because everything he is needing and wanting is exactly what my heart desires for ministry. I responded and we set up a time to talk on the phone about my vision and his vision.

On Thursday, April 2, We were able to get in touch with one another. It was so neat to hear that someone that far away shares the exact same vision. Lloyd and I sat beside one another while we were on the phone. It isn't full time to begin with, but the money is not my concern. I said when I started this journey that God will provide, we just need a little supplement to us through especially if we were going to move. While we were on the phone, something just clicked. Not completely sure, of the whole direction, but God knows. I am not really scared about the money because being a RN will help. I was able to talk with the pastor's daughter and share with her my vision of ministry, and that eased my mind a little. We have set a time to go to Jesup, GA on the weekend of April 17-19.....to interview, meet the youth, and see the town.

Since then, we (Lloyd and I) have been in daily contact with the pastor there. The funny thing is, he and his wife sound just like Lloyd and I. We are CRAZZEE....didn't know that there could be so many of us in different states..lol.

I have discussed this "possible" move with my parents, and they are NOT happy. My dad, in fact, turned into his old self when I discussed it with him. I told him I KNOW how to pray, and know how to hear from the Lord on direction. I guess he feels like I am still a baby, and I can't do it. Makes me so mad sometimes, like I am stupid.....I'm not. I have shared it with many of my prayer partners, and what will be, will be.

I have such peace about the whole thing, it is an unexplainable peace....that is God. I know God has a complete plan for our lives. The adventure has just begun, no matter the direction. I am willing to go anywhere and do anything for my Savior. He gave so much that I owe so much. I would be really surprised if it doesn't work out. I have prepared myself for all of it. I am so excited, but am level headed about how things can turn out. I am just hanging on for the will of God.

The road to surrender

I chose this title because in our walk with the Lord, it is a journey along the way to surrender who we are, and to become one with Christ. It is not an instant process, but a very long tedious self sacrificing journey. I received the confirmed call of God on my life in March of 2001. Looking back I can see God's complete hand throughout my life leading up to the call.

I am currently in the Ministerial Internship Program with the Church of God, and will graduate in May. I take my Ordination exam in September, and that will be the highest level achievable by a woman in the Church of God. My husband is completely supportive. I have never forgot my role as a wife and mother throughout this journey. I am first and foremost a wife and mother to my family. We have just had confirmation on the exact direction we are to go in ministry, and it is the path of Youth Pastors. I have just finished typing my resume and cover letter today, and will be sending it to the State Youth directors of Tennessee and Georgia. We will see what happens. I just know in my spirit that God has a specific church for us, and it is so exciting to know he has a complete plan.

I am, however, a little apprehensive about the whole "unknown". I have questions.. What if we have to move? What if we have to uproot everything? On the other hand, when you accept the call of the Lord, self dies. We will see. Our commissioning ceremony is in May, and we will be sent forth. The Lord spoke to me last year, and said "Life as you now know it will not be the same". You can't get any plainer than that. I love the Lord with all of my heart, and I want to see young people's lives changed. It is about the harvest, not ourselves. That is the true meaning of ministry...