Along the road to surrender I have definitely been met with the U turn of disappointment. We were offered the job as Youth Pastors after a long long road of prayer and fasting, but at the last second it was determined that it wasn't going to happen due to man's decision. I am not one to "pout" when I do not get my way with God, but Oh my, what a stab right into my heart. The real feeling of death came over me. Emotions I have never had came flooding through my heart and have been since.
I had to get away last night, just me and God, and I drove for over 2 hours while listening (on repeat) to the song "The more I seek you" by Kari Jobe. I just wanted to be with the one who understands me and whom I can really be myself around. I just really meditated on him, and really didn't have much to say. My tears said it all. I kept saying "I should be handling this better, and I am tougher than this." I began to just allow myself to grieve with no one around to tell me how to do it.
I began to ask the Lord, "Why does this hurt so badly, Lord...I was under the complete understanding that your WILL would be done, and I am okay because you are all knowing." I have faith in him completely, but I still had this great pain in the depths of my soul. As I began to pour out my heart, he began to show me in terms that I can really understand...he related to me as a woman.
He began to show it to me like this:
This whole "youth pastor" journey was a parallel to something being conceived in the spiritual realm, just like when a woman becomes pregnant with a baby in the physical realm. Imagine finding out that something you have been praying for over 8 years has happened, finally a Positive sign that life as been created. After you get the positive test, you begin celebrating the news by calling friends and family. They can't really gauge the overflowing joy because they weren't the ones in battle for years, they didn't spend the hours in the prayer closet petitioning the Lord, and most of all they aren't you.
You go along carrying the glow about you that God heard your prayers (and you knew it before it happened), you begin thinking of names, planning the room, discussing activities with your partner. Then unexpectedly, something terrible goes wrong, your "body" begins to let you know things aren't as they seem. You go to the doctor and you hear the dreaded news, "This baby is no longer alive, I am sorry." It is like a jab to innermost part of your soul, you begin to sob, because you had already made connections with this child. The death of a dream, the death of something you carried so deeply already, and God only understands the depth of it.
You then have to retreat, and tell family in friends to whom you celebrated with that the "baby" is dead." The family and friends try to offer some consolation, but sometimes their words hurt worse than help..."Well, it wasn't meant to be"....."God has a plan, and this was not part of it"...."There will be another baby one day"....Yes, all the above is true, but you say let me grieve this life first. I need to grieve the death of "this" dream.
This is what God showed me, and he has given me the okay to grieve this. I needed that time with him last night. I have come to the conclusion that he is the only true one who understands me, and I have learned through all of this that at times, it will only be me and him. I am at peace with that. I am not grieving this situation because "I did not get my way", I am grieving because I had conceived this, I had taken ownership of this, and I was ready to drop everything here, go work for his kingdom with a 100% effort, and finally do what I have been praying for.
I am not angry, I am not bitter, I am just hurt. It is like I feel in my Spirit that I am back to square one. I do trust the Lord, that as I go through this "healing" process that I will be stronger than before, but totally reliant on him. I understand God has a Perfect Will, and human doubt can affect his outcome. I have learned that Double minded people not only affect their own lives,but people involved as well. I know that all things work together for good. I trust my God and my Savior, and I know he is faithful. He can and will bring life again. I am settled in my Spirit to retreat for awhile. I am going to rest in HIM, know that he will show me the door as the time comes. I am at a place like mothers who have lost babies, I am not sure I want to try again soon. That may change, but I am at peace to lean on him.
The journey hands us some hard blows, but surrendering involves handing it all over...the pain, the tears, and the dreams. My prayer to the Lord is that I will be perfect in his sight, and that I am pleasing to him. I can grieve anyway I want to in his presence with no strings attached. Thank him for his realness, and his LOVE, and I have a place to turn. I can run into his arms, and rest.
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