Well, it has been officially 8 days since my last D and C. I have had a lot to take in and process over the last few weeks. I feel like the rug has been jerked out from under me. I am doing better emotionally as of today, but I do still cry at times. I spent the weekend really grieving the death of this baby, again. I have been longing to hold him, and see what he would have been like. I say "he" because I know in my heart of hearts it was a boy.
I spent a day with one of my dearest friends the day before I returned to work. Our sons have made the basketball team at school, and they have uniforms. We got our daughters t-shirts to match their uniforms with the number on the back to say Sister of.... It was a wonderful day, but I hate what grief does to you. I can smile, but that feeling in the pit of my stomach reminds of the loss of my child. I call it the grief monster. I remember talking with her about how I miss being in my 20's, being blonde, and carefree. Of course, I got married at 19, had Trenton at 21 and Sarah at 24. I call it the best years of my life. My 30's have NOT been nice to me, in more ways than one. I know that the Lord has a plan, but whew it has not been very nice to me.
I have not only had to grieve the loss of my child, but in a different way, the loss of my caregiver, MD, that I have had for 13 years. I did call into my new OB/GYN (she is a complete God send), and left a message for her to call me back. I needed to talk with her about these horrible emotions, and do I need medication. Well, I just needed to talk to her. She returned my call after seeing patients, and we talked about this whole process. She is such a precious person, and so patient with me. She said that the D and C was so hard, and if she was the one that did the first surgery, it would have happened to her. She tried to use suction, and wasn't successful. She used ultrasound as a guidance, but had to use the hysteroscope (camera) as a guide. She was able to remove baby whole, and I have pics of him in her palm. She wanted to make sure I wasn't offended by getting the pictures, she didn't want to make my grief worse. I told her "No", not at all. She gave me such a gift when she did that. She knew that as a mother, it may bring closure. We discussed that I had a probable (can't confirm definitely without path report) Placenta Accreta with this pregnancy. I look back now, and I realize this was definitely a problem from the beginning of this pregnancy. I had severe nausea and vomiting to the point I could barely lift my head for 8 weeks. From week 5.5-13, I was on Zofran 8mg every 6 hrs, and was still vomiting. I was hospitalized at 6 weeks for hyperemesis for 2 days, and left the hospital on prednisone and zofran. I did research on elevated HCG (which in women can cause severe nausea and vomiting), and it said that placental issues can cause the skyrocketing of HCG. My body was trying to compensate for the malfunction. I do not have lab work to back this up, but I knew something was up. We continued to talk about my emotional health, and she wants me to grieve this loss without meds, and see how I am in a few weeks. She did say she would give me meds, but I know if I don't deal with it now, I will later. So, I decided to take her advice. I see her again on Monday, and we will go from there. I will be at risk to have this condition again in the next pregnancy, when we get there. Wow, I have had 2 perfectly healthy deliveries in my 20's and after 30, it is a whole new scenario. Hoping my 30's will be better after all of this.
I have cried so many tears, I think I am out. I have grieved the loss of my baby, and the trust I once had in my former MD. Even though, it may have not been preventable as far as the surgery goes, but how come I didn't have lab work taken? I know it is a complete possiblity to have to go back for another D and C, but good grief, the baby, placenta and umbilical were still there. I have no idea why, and God only knows. I know that I cannot dwell on it, but I have to trust his hand. I am a chosen child of his, and everything that happens in my life he has control over. My new OB wanted me to know that I could return to my old OB if I wanted to, that it would not offend her. I was like, ummm, NO. I have reached a new place in my "fertility", that I need someone to hold my hand through this. I need someone who will not just pat me on the back and tell me that pregnancy is like a "flip of a coin", and I can have more children. I was led to believe that this 2nd D and C was for a new pregnancy, and that I had miscarried baby #2. Accident or NO accident, that is too hard to swallow, and to go right back as if nothing has happened. I forgive, but I can also move forward. I did, however, let my old MD know that the surgery went well, and all is fine. He did seem concerned beforehand, and I wanted to let him know out of complete respect.
I have many thoughts run through my mind. Do I really want to chance this again? I have 2 complete healthy children at home that are 6 and 9. I worry that my next child will be the "runt", and I have discussed with the hubby, that maybe the possibilty of having 2 more. He said it is out of the question, and that if I have a c-section next time, I could have my tubes tied. whoa!!!....I am not ready to discuss that one. Oh, well, I guess it is time to move ahead and grieve this one. I suppose it will change when I can start trying again. My new OB said that we can try again after my first period. We will see.
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