Can't wait until this passes

I have a good week so far, so glad it is Friday. I have been really really exhausted. I am not sure why, but I am. I am still having side effects from my last D and C, and it has been discussed with my MD. I have continued to cramp and have spotting and I am 3 weeks post op. She gave me one of 2 options...one is to wait it out, and the second one is to go on a low dose pill for 2 months. I opted for the pill. I really in my heart am not sure I am ready to get pregnant again right now, even though we got the okay to try after one cycle. In a sense, I do not trust my uterus. It is kind of sad I don't trust my body at this time. Things emotionally have improved, by that I mean I don't have a down day everyday. It is sporadic now, but I still despise the grieving the process. Today is day four on the pill, and I really can't tell any side effects as of yet. Unless, exhaustion is one of them.

I have made a committment to myself that I am going to think of "me" for a few months, and then make a decision. I am a life time member at weight watchers, and have not been in over a year. I have gained weight, and I feel miserable. I am going tomorrow, and going to recommit. I will continue on the birth control and take my prenatal vitamin. I am wanting to get back to the way I was, and start over in the Spring. This last episode has really knocked me backwards. I feel like I have lost my identity in all of this. So my journey for the next few months is to find "me" again. I have a tendacy to feel guilty when I do something for myself, like I am undeserving of what I do, but I can tell you I AM SPENT. My goal is to attend weight watchers meetings weekly, exercise 5 days a week, and become a healthier mom.

I am really at a road of indecision right now. I don't ever ever want to experience the heartache like I have, I guess you could say I am "gun shy". I have to work my way there, and I am praying the Lord gives me strength. I am also not a quitter, and I never quit in the middle of a battle. I guess I am going to take it one step at a time, or one week at at time. I am on the birth control for the next 8 weeks, so I have 8 weeks off to be concerned with myself. When I say that I don't mean I will self absorb and go crazy, but I am carving out time for me. The only person that can do that is me, and I am doing it now.

I have seen many blessings through all of this, and I thank God for them. I am just taking a breather for now, and I am going to regroup. Our whole household needs to regroup, because as we all know..."When momma isn't happy, no one is happy."...