I was very tearful on Friday, it was one of those very emotional days. One of my very good friends had her baby. It was a very sore reminder that I am NOT pregnant and I will not having a baby in 11 weeks. I am thankful that the sad days have became minimal, but there really isn't a day that goes by that I don't long for my baby. I will always miss him. I will always feel like something from me is missing, no matter how many more children we will have. I am learning to step as the Lord steps, and learning to trust him. It has been a hard lesson to learn, and I am sure I will need remedial courses every now and then.
The weekend went rather well. We spent Friday night at home most of the night after we met my mother in law for dinner at our favorite mexican restaurant. On Saturday we woke up to the most amazing snowfall we have seen in years. It was gorgeous. We had to get up early and have our son to his first real school basketball game, and we were able to enjoy the snow for a few minutes. I took pictures, and I am so glad I did because it was gone by noon that day. My little man did pretty good in his game. I get so nervous for him because he is so new at it, and there are several boys on the team that are experienced. I could tell he was nervous, but I am encouraging him that he can do it, just to keep trying. He does have athletic ability, but he has to believe in himself. I am learning to let the coach do the coaching, and we parents need to do the loving and encouraging. My sweet daughter wants to play softball this year, so I am anxious to see her play.
I did attend Weight Watchers on Saturday morning, and it was good to be back. I have gained about 14lbs from my goal weight over the year and a half. I expected it to be that amount of weight gain. I am okay with it. I am at a place where I am so glad to find myself again. Whew....long time a coming. Through this grief I have depended on others to help me, and they have. I have now reached a point where I am ready to fly solo again, me and the Lord. He is the only one who understands who I really am and my needs. I feel like the top layer is coming off, and I am getting to that place of healing. It is a slow process and I am not rushing into it. I am taking very cautious steps forward to regain my identity. It is time to pull myself up by the boot straps, and start hiking again.
I want to be in a place when we try again, that all signs of this last loss are gone. I want to be a new person, and be able to start fresh. I guess you could say Saturday was a new chapter for me. I am going to take the next several months and seek the Lord for complete healing for my mind, body, and soul. I know we will know the right time, and until then I will continue to march. My physical body is no where near ready to carry a new pregnancy. I am not mentally ready to embark on the journey just yet. I also need to spend some time with the Lord resting in him before any major decisons are made. My arms to ache though, they yearn for another baby. I just know that waiting is the best thing right now. Spring time seems like the perfect time to try, it is a sign of freshness and life. Although, it may take longer than Spring time to conceive.....it is a good place to start.
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