I am sitting here now about 9 weeks post d and c, and it has been a journey. I had the d and c September 1, 2009, and I thought I would be moving forward, but there has been a bump in the road. We were cleared to try again after my 2 week post op check, and being anxious to have another child, we started. I began what I thought was a new cycle on September 26, which made me so excited, I was like wow, this is great we are already on track.
I approached October 24 with anticipation, and thinking we may have had a chance to acheive our goal. That day came and went, and I waited thinking I will give it a few days. On Monday, Oct 26th, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was excited that we finally get to put the loss behind us. We didn't tell many people, only close close immediate family and friends. I was very guarded through this, I was not letting myself feel that pain again...I knew that the innocence of pregnancy was forever lost, and that the pure joy of pregnancy also brought, the dread. On November 7th I was spotting a small amount, but something inside of me was pressing me to call my doctor. I mean a small amount of spotting isn't a big deal early in pregnancy. I would have been 6 weeks by my calculations, and they were gracious enough to let me come in to ease my mind. There was nothing they could do if I was losing this baby too.
I went to the doctor's office and the lab tech drew my blood, and put me on the ultrasound table. It was the same room I was in when my doctor told me my baby was dead at 13 weeks gestation, only 9 weeks prior. I hated that room, and hated sitting on that table looking at that ultrasound machine. Soon after I got upon that most adored table, my doctor came in. He asked how I was doing, and I just responded that I was nervous. He proceeded with the ultrasound and after a few seconds, I knew something was wrong by the look on his face. He said the baby he saw on the ultrasound was measuring 11 weeks, and we started going over when my D and C was performed. So we went on my dates, and he said that more than likely I conceived exactly 2 after my D and C. After he said that, he said that the baby didn't have a heartbeat either. This could not be, again, I thought. I had tears, but something inside was saying this isn't right. He and I discussed the options and he said I would have a D and C again on the followingTuesday. I left the office saying to myself and outloud that this isn't right and it is very strange.
I got home on Friday, and I called back to the office and asked to be scheduled to come in again for another ultrasound. I did not want to have surgery without being at complete peace about it. Then it hit me, This is the same baby...It has to be...I know it is....
I had a very emotional weekend, knowing I needed answers...I began to think about getting a second opinion...I thought of a doctor that I had gotten to know when she was a resident at the hospital I worked at a few years before. I did go to church that Sunday, and attempted to go on as if life were normal, but my heart was so heavy. Did I lose another or is this the same one? It wasn't good either way.
Monday morning approached, and I called the new MD's office hoping and praying she would see me because she doesn't accept new patients. I left a message for her. I had an appointment with my current OB's office for the second ultrasound. Thank goodness my sister went with me. Right before I went in to the current OB's office the new one called, and the MD accepted me as a new patient. I was to see her that afternoon. I went ahead to the current office, and I wasn't expecting to see a MD, I thought it was just an ultrasound. When I got there, I was placed into a regular exam room, and one of the MD's in the office came in a checked me and did another ultrasound. We discussed dates of the D and C, and etc. He proceeded with the ultrasound, and there it was plain as day (different ultrasound machine), the baby...not a new one, but the same precious baby I had carried and who died within me....I asked two simple questions.."Is this a new pregnancy?", he said NO....I said "Same baby?", he said "yes"...Wow, I was right. Now, I had a flood of emotions that ran through me...I was sad because a mistake was made, and I had to move forward. I was happy in a sense that I didn't lose another baby.
I was so hurt and felt betrayed, What if my regular Md knew he made a mistake and lied to me. I cried, out of being so disappointed. I could handle being told it was the same one, I mean I worked in OB, I know these things can happen. When I was leaving, I canceled my surgery with my current MD, and transferred my records to the new office.
I had an appointment for another ultrasound at the new OB office later that afternoon. I went home in shock that this could be the same baby. I made it to the new office with time to spare, and I had a lot of time to think. I was called back, and went to the ultrasound room. The ultrasound tech could not believe that I had a D and C 9 weeks before. There it was again, my little baby with No heartbeat, again. My precious angel-child that I had so many hopes and dreams planned for.I finished up in the ultrasound room, and was placed in a room to see my new doctor.
She came in the room and gave me the biggest hug...I thank God I knew her when I worked as an OB nurse and she was a resident. We discussed everything, and she confirmed it was the same baby. She said she would do the surgery on Wednesday morning, and we talked about my feelings about it all. I just felt like I had closed a chapter and was ready to move on. The rewind button had been used, and I was back in the same spot I was in....back to square one...just like 9 weeks prior. I know God placed her in my life for such a time as this. He knew I needed someone that truly knew him, and could show his love.
I was relieved to be able to have answers.
I drove home in a state of disbelief. I had been given a prescription for antibiotic, so I went to the pharmacy. I had been trying to process this all along, that I had a baby inside of me that had been dead for 9 weeks, and the surgery before was suppose to take care of it. What happened?
I went home, and went to bed.
The next day, the hospital called and they needed me for pretesting. I waited until my husband got off from work to go, I didn't want to go by myself. On my way to the hospital, I received a call from my OB that I have used for the past 13 years. He called to see why I didn't have the surgery. I explained that it was the same baby, and we talked for a little bit about the technical part. I went onto pretesting, and a few errands after that. I began to think about what had just occurred, and I wanted to share how I really felt about everything. I had discussed the technical part, but I wanted to tell him my feelings (the best part of being a woman, the feelings..LOL). I got back in touch with the MD, and was able to tell him how I had felt betrayed and lied to. He was gracious enough to let me vent. I was not at all rude or disrespectful. I know that doctors are humans and make mistakes. He said everything he got out of the previous D and C, was products of conception and he felt secure that all was gotten. It eased my mind to know that it was all unintentonal, and I believed that, I really did.
I was very restless the night before surgery...Then morning arrived, and off we went. I was filled with so many overwhelming emotions. It had been a crazy couple of days, but I know God had given me strength. I arrived at the hospital, and was admitted pretty quickly. The nurse began talking to me and asking about the surgery...and knew it was a D and C for retained products of conception...I wanted to scream, "The products are my baby, the whole baby"....She was so attentive, and eased my nerves as she put my IV in. I have such frustration with the idea of being the patient and not being the nurse. I like to be the one in control, not the vulnerable one. Soon after she finished, my MD came in, and what a precious person she is. She came in and prayed a really touching prayer with Lloyd and I, She prayed for strength for herself to do the surgery, the OR staff, Lloyd and I , and I know God was with us through it all. I then, was asked to walk to the OR, and I proceeded down the . Right after I had gotten settled on the table, my doctor comes in and holds my hand and talks with me. I still had so many unanswered questions that no one could answer. She stayed with me until a few seconds before I went to sleep, and I will never forget that. I will never forget her kindness that she showed through such a gray time in my life.
I woke up in recovery and I remember her being beside me and saying she was there, and she was going to talk to Lloyd. I was hurting a significant amount more than I did the last time. I remember them saying they were giving me Morphine, and I felt nauseated immediately. I received my trusty Zofran and it didn't work....then I received Phenergan. I was in recovery for a short time, and I was wheeled to my day surgery room. Lloyd was waiting on me, and I remember being fuzzy headed. He and I talked, and he said that the doctor came to talk to him...she said it was the hardest D and C she has ever done and she had to use the hysteroscope to guide her through my uterus. My placenta was embedded in the lining of my uterus, and the whole fetus was in there as well. She had to use instruments to pull my placenta loose from my uterine wall. It was only suppose to be a suction D and C. Lloyd also told me she gave him pictures of my baby, and my uterus. I wanted to see them immediately, so he gave them to me. Finally, closure....There was my little baby, laying there lifeless with the looks of a baby bird that you find on the ground after it had fallen out of the nest , discolored and gelatin like. It didn't matter to me, that was my child, and even though he didn't look good there, I know he is well and in heaven. It was such a blessing to see my baby laying in the doctor's hand that performed the surgery. She had done that and kept him in one piece for me. God is so good, even in the hardest of times. I have those pictures to keep, and no one else may know the signifigance of that, but it is priceless. I had proof of the little booger who had caused me to be so sick, there was no more emptiness. All the anger and frustration that I had carried melted away.
I have been faced with many questions about the lack of care from the previous doctor, and would I proceed legally. My answer is NO. God gives us grace and mercy freely and abundantly. I am not going to take what he gives to me and not give it to someone who is in need of grace, mercy and forgiveness. We are faced everyday with challenges of whether we will be like Christ or like the world. There is more freedom in giving forgiveness than gaining riches. We are to do things in this life that are Kingdom impacting. I have forgiveness in my heart and a realization that we are mere mortals with an awesome God. Yes, this has been a hard road, but God is the giver of strength. I don't understand why I had to endure the emotional, physical, spiritual pain of this magnitude, but I do know that God is the one who restores. Instead of being angry at the one who made the mistakes, I pray abundant grace, blessings, and peace with the Lord for their life. That in and of itself is the greatest gift I have received through all of this. I have been able to give the gift of forgiveness......in a situation where it would be so easy to have bitterness and unforgiveness, I choose to forgive!!!!!
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