I can't believe it is almost Christmas again, it seems like yesterday we were opening presents. I say that, but really it has been a really rough year to say the least. We spent Thanksgiving morning at home preparing our food. We then went to my Mother in laws house for lunch around noon. We had a nice time. We went back home for a little while, and then went to my parent's house for supper/dinner. After dinner, hubby and I went Christmas shopping for our kids and the rest fo the family. We were able to get some good deals.
The next morning, my best friend and I went shopping for Black Friday. We are up and gone at 220am. How funny is that? I felt like I had worked a night shift by the time the day was done. We arrived at Toys R Us at 3am, and we shopped. My purchases came from JC Penney,but it was fun to get out and about in the hustle and bustle. If you are going to shop that day, you must be ready to be patient and expect delays. What I hate is people get out on that day and are grumpy grumps. We stood in line at Target for an hour. It is so neat, you stand in line with people and talk to them like you have known them forever. For the most part, everyone was pleasant. I was exhausted by the time we arrived home.
This weekend was a pivitol moment for hubby and I. He has asked so many questions, as to why I haven't been myself lately. He made comments that he wishes I was like I use to be a few months ago. I don't have answers for him, and I am trying to figure it out myself. I had to really look at him, and say "I have lost my baby, and my heart is broken, and I feel like I have had to do this all alone." That is one thing I can say about us losing this baby, is that I feel I have made the journey alone. I know that the Lord is with me, but sometimes in our trials we feel all alone. I have read a lot out of Job through this trial. I know he felt lonely, abandoned, and wanted the day of his birth cursed. We can feel lonely and abandoned in our moments of despair without losing our faith in the Lord. I call that endurance. When a runner is running, it isn't always pleasant during the run, but the end result is the finish line. We went to church last night,and the message was for me. He talked about being in peculiar places. A lot of times being in hard places doesn't always make us feel joyous, but something joyous will come out of it. WE can trust God in the midst of our storms because he is faithful. I have to keep reminding myself of this because the squeeze becomes so tight at times.
Physically, I am getting back to normal. I still have discomfort in my lower back and my bleeding has slowed. I am debating to try again after our first cycle, the doctor said it was fine. I am so leary and scared, but my arms long to hold another child. I am just praying for peace through this journey. I no longer want to be influenced by trials, but I want to be "steady" through them all. I am not a fan of a roller coaster life, but I want to stand on the rock even when the storms rage. I desire to please God most of all. I have struggled with unforgiveness concerning what was done to us during this second part of the miscarriage. I know in my heart that God will grant us favor, and we must trust him. I do know that through all of this I have a wonderful friend and sister in the Lord that God placed in my life to help in all aspects, and I thank him for that priviledge. God will use her to help us through the next chapter. God is so good, and I trust him even when I see nothing. I struggle with trust at times, but I must call out to him when the journey becomes so difficult. Within my flesh, I would want to handle it on my own. I can't and I must not do so. So I am seeking the Lord to teach me what he wants me to know. Out of these hard places we are defined.
No comments:
Post a Comment