We went to my son's first basketball jamboree game this morning. He was so excited to be able to play on a team he was picked for. I loved it as they introduced the teams and the announcer calls out their names, as if they are pros. I got teary eyed. Even though I am able to enjoy the things with my kids I have here, the loss of our baby isn't too far from my mind and mostly my heart. It continues to be such a heavy feeling in my gut.
I can tell this grief overtakes my mind at times. My daughter (6) had a birthday party to go to this weekend. We came home from the game, and got her dressed for the party. WE drove to the location, and guess what?, it is tomorrow.. Wow, I felt so stupid. My mind has NOT been clear at all. I feel so restless at times, but I know God is right here with me. I just hate having to go through the fleshly pain.
I often think about what he would look like, and if he would love sports like my other son does. I have also had a shock today. A friend I knew from high school died today. Wow. I think about how fragile life can be. I just don't know what to do about all of this. When we lost the baby the first time, I was able to be in contact with a Bereavement counselor at a local Hospice agency. It really helped in September after the first D and C. She brought me a book called "Born to Fly". I think it is just now registering that I will not have my son in March. I have had to let him go. I miss him, and I only had him near my heart for 13 weeks. I look into my son's eyes now, and wonder if he would have looked like him. I know that I will get to see him when I get to heaven, but my arms and heart long for him. For my birthday in October, my dear hubby got me a birthstone ring that represents the month I miscarried. I wear the peridot everywhere I go. A symbol of my sweet son. My other two precious children also got me a birthstone to represent their birth months. I remember sobbing when I received all three. I do wear them all, but have worn the "baby's" more, since I have the other two with me.
I have had just an identity crisis through all of this. Like, who am I? What am I doing, and what have I been doing? I feel like this pregnancy robbed me of so many things. I mean, I was bedridden for 7 solid weeks for extreme vomiting. I feel like I did all of that for nothing. I mean I know that all things work together for good. My spirit man knows better, but the flesh always has questions. I am one who likes to have all things figured out. HMMM...Wonder if the LORD is trying to teach me something? I have been told that this will be a distant memory one day. Well, I did better the first time, but this has truly knocked me off of my feet.
I have had so many thoughts run through my head. Do I want to do this again? I mean with the lingering questions of the possible accreta. I also wonder, how will I adjust again when I have a son who is 9 and a daughter who is 6? I quickly answer myself. A baby brings new life and joy. WE need that, life has gotten rather stale. I know that I will find my identity again, and that JOY will sure come in the morning. I have JOY in the LORD, the flesh just has to realize it.
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