Thanksgiving is over.....

I can't believe it is almost Christmas again, it seems like yesterday we were opening presents. I say that, but really it has been a really rough year to say the least. We spent Thanksgiving morning at home preparing our food. We then went to my Mother in laws house for lunch around noon. We had a nice time. We went back home for a little while, and then went to my parent's house for supper/dinner. After dinner, hubby and I went Christmas shopping for our kids and the rest fo the family. We were able to get some good deals.

The next morning, my best friend and I went shopping for Black Friday. We are up and gone at 220am. How funny is that? I felt like I had worked a night shift by the time the day was done. We arrived at Toys R Us at 3am, and we shopped. My purchases came from JC Penney,but it was fun to get out and about in the hustle and bustle. If you are going to shop that day, you must be ready to be patient and expect delays. What I hate is people get out on that day and are grumpy grumps. We stood in line at Target for an hour. It is so neat, you stand in line with people and talk to them like you have known them forever. For the most part, everyone was pleasant. I was exhausted by the time we arrived home.

This weekend was a pivitol moment for hubby and I. He has asked so many questions, as to why I haven't been myself lately. He made comments that he wishes I was like I use to be a few months ago. I don't have answers for him, and I am trying to figure it out myself. I had to really look at him, and say "I have lost my baby, and my heart is broken, and I feel like I have had to do this all alone." That is one thing I can say about us losing this baby, is that I feel I have made the journey alone. I know that the Lord is with me, but sometimes in our trials we feel all alone. I have read a lot out of Job through this trial. I know he felt lonely, abandoned, and wanted the day of his birth cursed. We can feel lonely and abandoned in our moments of despair without losing our faith in the Lord. I call that endurance. When a runner is running, it isn't always pleasant during the run, but the end result is the finish line. We went to church last night,and the message was for me. He talked about being in peculiar places. A lot of times being in hard places doesn't always make us feel joyous, but something joyous will come out of it. WE can trust God in the midst of our storms because he is faithful. I have to keep reminding myself of this because the squeeze becomes so tight at times.

Physically, I am getting back to normal. I still have discomfort in my lower back and my bleeding has slowed. I am debating to try again after our first cycle, the doctor said it was fine. I am so leary and scared, but my arms long to hold another child. I am just praying for peace through this journey. I no longer want to be influenced by trials, but I want to be "steady" through them all. I am not a fan of a roller coaster life, but I want to stand on the rock even when the storms rage. I desire to please God most of all. I have struggled with unforgiveness concerning what was done to us during this second part of the miscarriage. I know in my heart that God will grant us favor, and we must trust him. I do know that through all of this I have a wonderful friend and sister in the Lord that God placed in my life to help in all aspects, and I thank him for that priviledge. God will use her to help us through the next chapter. God is so good, and I trust him even when I see nothing. I struggle with trust at times, but I must call out to him when the journey becomes so difficult. Within my flesh, I would want to handle it on my own. I can't and I must not do so. So I am seeking the Lord to teach me what he wants me to know. Out of these hard places we are defined.

Yay!!...finally the chapter has closed.

Today was a good day. I went to work, and then to a baby shower for a friend I worked with at the hospital. It was so awesome to see former coworkers. I have always loved the Mother Baby floor as a nurse, but doing it full time can be too much. I am a school nurse, and it works well with my kiddo's lives. I hope to work PRN next summer on the Mother Baby unit, if all works out it looks as if I will. My heart will always be in Mother Baby, and on that floor.

I went to the MD yesterday, and it went really well. I love love love my new MD. She is a true heaven sent gift to me. I took her a little gift as a token of appreciation for her kindness through this very difficult time in our lives. We discussed the surgery, and that she did the best she could to get all the placenta out. WE discussed the risk of this happening again, and the answer is unknown. We will probably know more when a new pregnancy happens. It can sometimes only be detected at delivery, but we have a plan if that does happen. Just so glad it wasn't brushed off as no big deal. She did lab work to test my HCG, and she said she didn't expect it to be normal just yet.

I did receive a call from the office, and they had my HCG result, and it was completely down...YAY!! I was so relieved to hear that. If it didn't come down to normal we would have to do a recheck, and if it didn't come down then another surgery would have needed to be done to remove more placental parts. So glad all is for sure back to normal. I hope my next call to the office is to schedule my new OB visit. I just love how faithful the Lord is. He placed exactly who needed to be in my life at the perfect time. She told us we could try as soon as my cycles return. I am now taking my prenatals again...

I can't look back now, it is time to move on....I know that the days ahead are ordered my the Lord. His hand has been on us this entire process, and although I felt alone, he was still there. There is a definite plan for our lives, and I just have to take one step at at time. I surrender this process to the Lord, and believe there is another child that is to be gifted to us. I do long for the child I lost, but I must move forward and hope the future is brighter...:)

Post op visit this afternoon, thoughts beforehand.

I am at work today!!.. I leave this afternoon for my post op appointment. I am still trying to process all that I have been through. I have a lot of decisions to make. I know when the MD did my surgery that she said that she believes we were dealing with a placenta accreta due to her having such difficulty removing the placenta during the D and C. I have researched this quite a bit, and it can be very dangerous if not recognized early in a pregnancy. I could have carried the baby to full term and had a massive hemorrhage after delivery, and the accreta not be recognized until then.

My questions are, how at risk will I be next time to get an accreta? Is it worth me going through the trouble of trying again if there is a risk? I mean I have 2 perfectly healthy children and a wonderful husband. Am I being greedy? I mean I could accept the fact that I have a baby in heaven waiting on me, and process it, deal with it, and move forward with our lives.

If you would have told me that I would be going through this 4 months ago, I would have told you NO. My main worry then was trying to keep fluids down so I wouldn't have to be readmitted for dehydration. I feel like I worked too hard to stay pregnant, that I endured so much to make myself work for the baby. I am really actually grieving the loss of my child. I never knew a miscarriage could have such an effect on me. I am doing better, but it isn't too far from my mind. I am not in a depressive state, but do long to hold my child. I know I have 2 precious children at home, and I love on them and thank the Lord they are healthy.

I feel it is almost time to lay this behind me and move forward. I cannot let it paralyze me anymore. We are approaching Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I am going to throw my energy into preparing for those. I have got to learn to trust the Lord in all things. I have to. I love what my new MD said to me..."Lindsey, if you feel in your Spirit that you are suppose have another child, don't get discouraged, it will happen. Listen to the Holy Spirit.."...I know that she was sent to me for such a time as this. I just have to readjust. I just don't want to take away from the family I already have. So today I will ask questions, and hopefully get answers. I will take the time over the holidays to regroup. It is perfect timing because normal cycles don't resume until 4-6 weeks after D and C's. So that is great....New Year's resolution...to have a baby!!!...maybe..LOL...

Saturday Saturday Saturday

We went to my son's first basketball jamboree game this morning. He was so excited to be able to play on a team he was picked for. I loved it as they introduced the teams and the announcer calls out their names, as if they are pros. I got teary eyed. Even though I am able to enjoy the things with my kids I have here, the loss of our baby isn't too far from my mind and mostly my heart. It continues to be such a heavy feeling in my gut.

I can tell this grief overtakes my mind at times. My daughter (6) had a birthday party to go to this weekend. We came home from the game, and got her dressed for the party. WE drove to the location, and guess what?, it is tomorrow.. Wow, I felt so stupid. My mind has NOT been clear at all. I feel so restless at times, but I know God is right here with me. I just hate having to go through the fleshly pain.

I often think about what he would look like, and if he would love sports like my other son does. I have also had a shock today. A friend I knew from high school died today. Wow. I think about how fragile life can be. I just don't know what to do about all of this. When we lost the baby the first time, I was able to be in contact with a Bereavement counselor at a local Hospice agency. It really helped in September after the first D and C. She brought me a book called "Born to Fly". I think it is just now registering that I will not have my son in March. I have had to let him go. I miss him, and I only had him near my heart for 13 weeks. I look into my son's eyes now, and wonder if he would have looked like him. I know that I will get to see him when I get to heaven, but my arms and heart long for him. For my birthday in October, my dear hubby got me a birthstone ring that represents the month I miscarried. I wear the peridot everywhere I go. A symbol of my sweet son. My other two precious children also got me a birthstone to represent their birth months. I remember sobbing when I received all three. I do wear them all, but have worn the "baby's" more, since I have the other two with me.

I have had just an identity crisis through all of this. Like, who am I? What am I doing, and what have I been doing? I feel like this pregnancy robbed me of so many things. I mean, I was bedridden for 7 solid weeks for extreme vomiting. I feel like I did all of that for nothing. I mean I know that all things work together for good. My spirit man knows better, but the flesh always has questions. I am one who likes to have all things figured out. HMMM...Wonder if the LORD is trying to teach me something? I have been told that this will be a distant memory one day. Well, I did better the first time, but this has truly knocked me off of my feet.

I have had so many thoughts run through my head. Do I want to do this again? I mean with the lingering questions of the possible accreta. I also wonder, how will I adjust again when I have a son who is 9 and a daughter who is 6? I quickly answer myself. A baby brings new life and joy. WE need that, life has gotten rather stale. I know that I will find my identity again, and that JOY will sure come in the morning. I have JOY in the LORD, the flesh just has to realize it.

A Field Trip...

I spent the day with my sweet daughter. WE went on a field trip with her 1st grade class to the local zoo. It was a little chilly, but we had a good time. I am really trying to put all of the past few weeks behind me and move forward. We had a very nice lunch together at our favorite chinese restaurant. It beat a brown bag lunch anyday. I loved it that she didn't want to sit across the booth from me, but wanted to sit beside me, and hang onto my arm.

I feel so blessed to have 2 beautiful happy children. I did, however, have to really get on my precious son for leaving my cell phone out on the porch steps. He uses it when he goes to the neighbor's to play, but didn't bring it in. We had a stressful morning, but got through it. I received a call on our way home from the field trip, and it was my son telling me he forgot his basketball bag in the car. The day of a mother never ends. So thankful I am feeling better emotionally today. I hope it continues.

Whew these emotions!!!

Well, it has been officially 8 days since my last D and C. I have had a lot to take in and process over the last few weeks. I feel like the rug has been jerked out from under me. I am doing better emotionally as of today, but I do still cry at times. I spent the weekend really grieving the death of this baby, again. I have been longing to hold him, and see what he would have been like. I say "he" because I know in my heart of hearts it was a boy.

I spent a day with one of my dearest friends the day before I returned to work. Our sons have made the basketball team at school, and they have uniforms. We got our daughters t-shirts to match their uniforms with the number on the back to say Sister of.... It was a wonderful day, but I hate what grief does to you. I can smile, but that feeling in the pit of my stomach reminds of the loss of my child. I call it the grief monster. I remember talking with her about how I miss being in my 20's, being blonde, and carefree. Of course, I got married at 19, had Trenton at 21 and Sarah at 24. I call it the best years of my life. My 30's have NOT been nice to me, in more ways than one. I know that the Lord has a plan, but whew it has not been very nice to me.

I have not only had to grieve the loss of my child, but in a different way, the loss of my caregiver, MD, that I have had for 13 years. I did call into my new OB/GYN (she is a complete God send), and left a message for her to call me back. I needed to talk with her about these horrible emotions, and do I need medication. Well, I just needed to talk to her. She returned my call after seeing patients, and we talked about this whole process. She is such a precious person, and so patient with me. She said that the D and C was so hard, and if she was the one that did the first surgery, it would have happened to her. She tried to use suction, and wasn't successful. She used ultrasound as a guidance, but had to use the hysteroscope (camera) as a guide. She was able to remove baby whole, and I have pics of him in her palm. She wanted to make sure I wasn't offended by getting the pictures, she didn't want to make my grief worse. I told her "No", not at all. She gave me such a gift when she did that. She knew that as a mother, it may bring closure. We discussed that I had a probable (can't confirm definitely without path report) Placenta Accreta with this pregnancy. I look back now, and I realize this was definitely a problem from the beginning of this pregnancy. I had severe nausea and vomiting to the point I could barely lift my head for 8 weeks. From week 5.5-13, I was on Zofran 8mg every 6 hrs, and was still vomiting. I was hospitalized at 6 weeks for hyperemesis for 2 days, and left the hospital on prednisone and zofran. I did research on elevated HCG (which in women can cause severe nausea and vomiting), and it said that placental issues can cause the skyrocketing of HCG. My body was trying to compensate for the malfunction. I do not have lab work to back this up, but I knew something was up. We continued to talk about my emotional health, and she wants me to grieve this loss without meds, and see how I am in a few weeks. She did say she would give me meds, but I know if I don't deal with it now, I will later. So, I decided to take her advice. I see her again on Monday, and we will go from there. I will be at risk to have this condition again in the next pregnancy, when we get there. Wow, I have had 2 perfectly healthy deliveries in my 20's and after 30, it is a whole new scenario. Hoping my 30's will be better after all of this.

I have cried so many tears, I think I am out. I have grieved the loss of my baby, and the trust I once had in my former MD. Even though, it may have not been preventable as far as the surgery goes, but how come I didn't have lab work taken? I know it is a complete possiblity to have to go back for another D and C, but good grief, the baby, placenta and umbilical were still there. I have no idea why, and God only knows. I know that I cannot dwell on it, but I have to trust his hand. I am a chosen child of his, and everything that happens in my life he has control over. My new OB wanted me to know that I could return to my old OB if I wanted to, that it would not offend her. I was like, ummm, NO. I have reached a new place in my "fertility", that I need someone to hold my hand through this. I need someone who will not just pat me on the back and tell me that pregnancy is like a "flip of a coin", and I can have more children. I was led to believe that this 2nd D and C was for a new pregnancy, and that I had miscarried baby #2. Accident or NO accident, that is too hard to swallow, and to go right back as if nothing has happened. I forgive, but I can also move forward. I did, however, let my old MD know that the surgery went well, and all is fine. He did seem concerned beforehand, and I wanted to let him know out of complete respect.

I have many thoughts run through my mind. Do I really want to chance this again? I have 2 complete healthy children at home that are 6 and 9. I worry that my next child will be the "runt", and I have discussed with the hubby, that maybe the possibilty of having 2 more. He said it is out of the question, and that if I have a c-section next time, I could have my tubes tied. whoa!!!....I am not ready to discuss that one. Oh, well, I guess it is time to move ahead and grieve this one. I suppose it will change when I can start trying again. My new OB said that we can try again after my first period. We will see.

The Road to Forgiveness!!!

I am sitting here now about 9 weeks post d and c, and it has been a journey. I had the d and c September 1, 2009, and I thought I would be moving forward, but there has been a bump in the road. We were cleared to try again after my 2 week post op check, and being anxious to have another child, we started. I began what I thought was a new cycle on September 26, which made me so excited, I was like wow, this is great we are already on track.

I approached October 24 with anticipation, and thinking we may have had a chance to acheive our goal. That day came and went, and I waited thinking I will give it a few days. On Monday, Oct 26th, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was excited that we finally get to put the loss behind us. We didn't tell many people, only close close immediate family and friends. I was very guarded through this, I was not letting myself feel that pain again...I knew that the innocence of pregnancy was forever lost, and that the pure joy of pregnancy also brought, the dread. On November 7th I was spotting a small amount, but something inside of me was pressing me to call my doctor. I mean a small amount of spotting isn't a big deal early in pregnancy. I would have been 6 weeks by my calculations, and they were gracious enough to let me come in to ease my mind. There was nothing they could do if I was losing this baby too.

I went to the doctor's office and the lab tech drew my blood, and put me on the ultrasound table. It was the same room I was in when my doctor told me my baby was dead at 13 weeks gestation, only 9 weeks prior. I hated that room, and hated sitting on that table looking at that ultrasound machine. Soon after I got upon that most adored table, my doctor came in. He asked how I was doing, and I just responded that I was nervous. He proceeded with the ultrasound and after a few seconds, I knew something was wrong by the look on his face. He said the baby he saw on the ultrasound was measuring 11 weeks, and we started going over when my D and C was performed. So we went on my dates, and he said that more than likely I conceived exactly 2 after my D and C. After he said that, he said that the baby didn't have a heartbeat either. This could not be, again, I thought. I had tears, but something inside was saying this isn't right. He and I discussed the options and he said I would have a D and C again on the followingTuesday. I left the office saying to myself and outloud that this isn't right and it is very strange.

I got home on Friday, and I called back to the office and asked to be scheduled to come in again for another ultrasound. I did not want to have surgery without being at complete peace about it. Then it hit me, This is the same baby...It has to be...I know it is....

I had a very emotional weekend, knowing I needed answers...I began to think about getting a second opinion...I thought of a doctor that I had gotten to know when she was a resident at the hospital I worked at a few years before. I did go to church that Sunday, and attempted to go on as if life were normal, but my heart was so heavy. Did I lose another or is this the same one? It wasn't good either way.

Monday morning approached, and I called the new MD's office hoping and praying she would see me because she doesn't accept new patients. I left a message for her. I had an appointment with my current OB's office for the second ultrasound. Thank goodness my sister went with me. Right before I went in to the current OB's office the new one called, and the MD accepted me as a new patient. I was to see her that afternoon. I went ahead to the current office, and I wasn't expecting to see a MD, I thought it was just an ultrasound. When I got there, I was placed into a regular exam room, and one of the MD's in the office came in a checked me and did another ultrasound. We discussed dates of the D and C, and etc. He proceeded with the ultrasound, and there it was plain as day (different ultrasound machine), the baby...not a new one, but the same precious baby I had carried and who died within me....I asked two simple questions.."Is this a new pregnancy?", he said NO....I said "Same baby?", he said "yes"...Wow, I was right. Now, I had a flood of emotions that ran through me...I was sad because a mistake was made, and I had to move forward. I was happy in a sense that I didn't lose another baby.

I was so hurt and felt betrayed, What if my regular Md knew he made a mistake and lied to me. I cried, out of being so disappointed. I could handle being told it was the same one, I mean I worked in OB, I know these things can happen. When I was leaving, I canceled my surgery with my current MD, and transferred my records to the new office.

I had an appointment for another ultrasound at the new OB office later that afternoon. I went home in shock that this could be the same baby. I made it to the new office with time to spare, and I had a lot of time to think. I was called back, and went to the ultrasound room. The ultrasound tech could not believe that I had a D and C 9 weeks before. There it was again, my little baby with No heartbeat, again. My precious angel-child that I had so many hopes and dreams planned for.I finished up in the ultrasound room, and was placed in a room to see my new doctor.

She came in the room and gave me the biggest hug...I thank God I knew her when I worked as an OB nurse and she was a resident. We discussed everything, and she confirmed it was the same baby. She said she would do the surgery on Wednesday morning, and we talked about my feelings about it all. I just felt like I had closed a chapter and was ready to move on. The rewind button had been used, and I was back in the same spot I was in....back to square one...just like 9 weeks prior. I know God placed her in my life for such a time as this. He knew I needed someone that truly knew him, and could show his love.

I was relieved to be able to have answers.

I drove home in a state of disbelief. I had been given a prescription for antibiotic, so I went to the pharmacy. I had been trying to process this all along, that I had a baby inside of me that had been dead for 9 weeks, and the surgery before was suppose to take care of it. What happened?

I went home, and went to bed.

The next day, the hospital called and they needed me for pretesting. I waited until my husband got off from work to go, I didn't want to go by myself. On my way to the hospital, I received a call from my OB that I have used for the past 13 years. He called to see why I didn't have the surgery. I explained that it was the same baby, and we talked for a little bit about the technical part. I went onto pretesting, and a few errands after that. I began to think about what had just occurred, and I wanted to share how I really felt about everything. I had discussed the technical part, but I wanted to tell him my feelings (the best part of being a woman, the feelings..LOL). I got back in touch with the MD, and was able to tell him how I had felt betrayed and lied to. He was gracious enough to let me vent. I was not at all rude or disrespectful. I know that doctors are humans and make mistakes. He said everything he got out of the previous D and C, was products of conception and he felt secure that all was gotten. It eased my mind to know that it was all unintentonal, and I believed that, I really did.

I was very restless the night before surgery...Then morning arrived, and off we went. I was filled with so many overwhelming emotions. It had been a crazy couple of days, but I know God had given me strength. I arrived at the hospital, and was admitted pretty quickly. The nurse began talking to me and asking about the surgery...and knew it was a D and C for retained products of conception...I wanted to scream, "The products are my baby, the whole baby"....She was so attentive, and eased my nerves as she put my IV in. I have such frustration with the idea of being the patient and not being the nurse. I like to be the one in control, not the vulnerable one. Soon after she finished, my MD came in, and what a precious person she is. She came in and prayed a really touching prayer with Lloyd and I, She prayed for strength for herself to do the surgery, the OR staff, Lloyd and I , and I know God was with us through it all. I then, was asked to walk to the OR, and I proceeded down the . Right after I had gotten settled on the table, my doctor comes in and holds my hand and talks with me. I still had so many unanswered questions that no one could answer. She stayed with me until a few seconds before I went to sleep, and I will never forget that. I will never forget her kindness that she showed through such a gray time in my life.

I woke up in recovery and I remember her being beside me and saying she was there, and she was going to talk to Lloyd. I was hurting a significant amount more than I did the last time. I remember them saying they were giving me Morphine, and I felt nauseated immediately. I received my trusty Zofran and it didn't work....then I received Phenergan. I was in recovery for a short time, and I was wheeled to my day surgery room. Lloyd was waiting on me, and I remember being fuzzy headed. He and I talked, and he said that the doctor came to talk to him...she said it was the hardest D and C she has ever done and she had to use the hysteroscope to guide her through my uterus. My placenta was embedded in the lining of my uterus, and the whole fetus was in there as well. She had to use instruments to pull my placenta loose from my uterine wall. It was only suppose to be a suction D and C. Lloyd also told me she gave him pictures of my baby, and my uterus. I wanted to see them immediately, so he gave them to me. Finally, closure....There was my little baby, laying there lifeless with the looks of a baby bird that you find on the ground after it had fallen out of the nest , discolored and gelatin like. It didn't matter to me, that was my child, and even though he didn't look good there, I know he is well and in heaven. It was such a blessing to see my baby laying in the doctor's hand that performed the surgery. She had done that and kept him in one piece for me. God is so good, even in the hardest of times. I have those pictures to keep, and no one else may know the signifigance of that, but it is priceless. I had proof of the little booger who had caused me to be so sick, there was no more emptiness. All the anger and frustration that I had carried melted away.

I have been faced with many questions about the lack of care from the previous doctor, and would I proceed legally. My answer is NO. God gives us grace and mercy freely and abundantly. I am not going to take what he gives to me and not give it to someone who is in need of grace, mercy and forgiveness. We are faced everyday with challenges of whether we will be like Christ or like the world. There is more freedom in giving forgiveness than gaining riches. We are to do things in this life that are Kingdom impacting. I have forgiveness in my heart and a realization that we are mere mortals with an awesome God. Yes, this has been a hard road, but God is the giver of strength. I don't understand why I had to endure the emotional, physical, spiritual pain of this magnitude, but I do know that God is the one who restores. Instead of being angry at the one who made the mistakes, I pray abundant grace, blessings, and peace with the Lord for their life. That in and of itself is the greatest gift I have received through all of this. I have been able to give the gift of forgiveness......in a situation where it would be so easy to have bitterness and unforgiveness, I choose to forgive!!!!!