There is one thing about grief that I have noticed....It creeps up on you like an unexpected visitor. Today, I miss my baby. I would still be pregnant, so I guess I long to feel the kicks and miss being able to dream about what he would have looked like.He is still my son, I just have to wait to see him. Heaven seems much sweeter. My arms ache today, and seem so empty. My heart hurts, and I have just prayed and read Psalms this afternoon. I know that my Father in heaven has a much greater plan, I just don't see it now.My heart is just heavy. The Lord understands my brokeness, and it is okay. I can share who I am, and open myself to him. He created me and is not at all surprised at what I am going through. I trust that.
It makes me realize that our children belong to God first, and are only on loan to us. What a great responsibility to have, to raise our on "loan" children to love an awesome God. It is such a profound thought.
Even in the storms, I have a wind calmer that speaks Peace, be still. Even in the midst of a famine, I have the bread of life. Even when I am thirsty, I have the living water. I have called out to him today, and he has met every need of my heart. Does my flesh feel it? NO!! I just trust in my Spirit that my Father has me in his lap, and is calming me through this very trying time!! I will see the bigger picture as time goes by. I just may have to wait a little longer.
I have to trust, it is a must. In the midst of the fog, I must trust. All my praying bloggers, pray for me!!!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Is he proud?...of course
I have had a lot of time to reflect this weekend. I really don't think I have had the time, but God is pointing out so many things in my everyday life and giving me nudges in my Spirit. I haven't felt very well this past week physically, the "pill" that was to regulate me has not. It is all okay, we will be situated soon enough
I was sitting at my son's basketball game yesterday. He is in 4th grade, and he made the school basketball team. I have watched him all season, and have felt for him on many occasions. This is the first time he has really played basketball competitively. He has played basketball since he was 4, but it was more recreational games. This league is organized so 4th and 5th graders play ball just like they will in Middle School. Anyway, I watched him the first game, and I could see the anxiety on his face. I felt for him, I wanted to go and do it for him. He knew the fundementals, but didn't know how to put it all together. Since then I have seen him "get it". Yesterday he scored his first TWO POINTS....I had tears, it was the most amazing moment to see him excel after the hard work. I wanted to stand up and say "That is my boy". I was beaming and it made me so proud. Were there boys who have had 10-12 points a game? Yes, but those two were like 45 to me.
As I sat there, I ask my best friend "You, know I wonder if that is how God is with us."....I think it is. I think as we enter the game of Christian life, we are so anxious about the plays, and how we are to live. When we go by the playbook (bible), and we become more comfortable with its plays we start to "get it". We enter the court, and are a little unsure of his commands. He is the most loving coach though, and is full of forgiveness and love. He keeps yelling to us, "Keep going, I love you,and I am here". That is what I am to Trenton his mom to say "Keep going, I love you,and I am here". It doesn't matter if you are the best player, keep playing the game. We have a Father in heaven that beams with love for us. He gives us the assurance that he is there, and is the greatest coach because he tells what we are doing wrong and gives us the plays to fix it. His son stood up and died for us, and he would do it again.
This morning, I woke up and my Sarah was running a fever. She said her throat hurt, and by the smell of her mouth when she opened it to let me see her tonsils, I suspected Strep. If Sarah is going to get sick, it is Sunday morning. Lloyd and Trenton went on to church, and I will go tonight. Her temperature was 102.1 when we left the house. I am so glad that CVS has the Minute Clinic because our pediatrician does not see patients on the weekend anymore. As we were sitting there, I began to pray over her, and I haven't given her anti-fever meds yet. I began to just rock her, and tell the Lord that we needed him to heal her because I know he doesn't like for his children to be sick and he has provided the means of healing for us. I told him he sent his son and he took the stripes for us, and I just prayed over her until they called us back. We got back there, and I was right, STREP. The nurse practitioner took her temperature and it was 99.1. God is an awesome God, and I trust him. Then she surprisingly threw-up all over me and the very sweet practitioner (just a proud badge a mother wears).
The Lord has really been speaking into my heart over the last few months about constant communion with him. A daily continual conversation like a conversation I would have with my husband. I am to talk with him and tell him my inner most thoughts even though I know he knows everything about me including, the hairs on my head, he desires for me to long to be with him. I don't just want to call on him in my hour of trouble, but I want to know him to the point that I have a prayer for him on my tongue every minute of everyday. I want him to know I love him regardless of the circumstances in my life.
It is so awesome to have a Father who loves us regardless if we can play ball or not, he has plays (his word) , and we just have to walk with him and follow his directions. He will welcome us with open arms.
I was sitting at my son's basketball game yesterday. He is in 4th grade, and he made the school basketball team. I have watched him all season, and have felt for him on many occasions. This is the first time he has really played basketball competitively. He has played basketball since he was 4, but it was more recreational games. This league is organized so 4th and 5th graders play ball just like they will in Middle School. Anyway, I watched him the first game, and I could see the anxiety on his face. I felt for him, I wanted to go and do it for him. He knew the fundementals, but didn't know how to put it all together. Since then I have seen him "get it". Yesterday he scored his first TWO POINTS....I had tears, it was the most amazing moment to see him excel after the hard work. I wanted to stand up and say "That is my boy". I was beaming and it made me so proud. Were there boys who have had 10-12 points a game? Yes, but those two were like 45 to me.
As I sat there, I ask my best friend "You, know I wonder if that is how God is with us."....I think it is. I think as we enter the game of Christian life, we are so anxious about the plays, and how we are to live. When we go by the playbook (bible), and we become more comfortable with its plays we start to "get it". We enter the court, and are a little unsure of his commands. He is the most loving coach though, and is full of forgiveness and love. He keeps yelling to us, "Keep going, I love you,and I am here". That is what I am to Trenton his mom to say "Keep going, I love you,and I am here". It doesn't matter if you are the best player, keep playing the game. We have a Father in heaven that beams with love for us. He gives us the assurance that he is there, and is the greatest coach because he tells what we are doing wrong and gives us the plays to fix it. His son stood up and died for us, and he would do it again.
This morning, I woke up and my Sarah was running a fever. She said her throat hurt, and by the smell of her mouth when she opened it to let me see her tonsils, I suspected Strep. If Sarah is going to get sick, it is Sunday morning. Lloyd and Trenton went on to church, and I will go tonight. Her temperature was 102.1 when we left the house. I am so glad that CVS has the Minute Clinic because our pediatrician does not see patients on the weekend anymore. As we were sitting there, I began to pray over her, and I haven't given her anti-fever meds yet. I began to just rock her, and tell the Lord that we needed him to heal her because I know he doesn't like for his children to be sick and he has provided the means of healing for us. I told him he sent his son and he took the stripes for us, and I just prayed over her until they called us back. We got back there, and I was right, STREP. The nurse practitioner took her temperature and it was 99.1. God is an awesome God, and I trust him. Then she surprisingly threw-up all over me and the very sweet practitioner (just a proud badge a mother wears).
The Lord has really been speaking into my heart over the last few months about constant communion with him. A daily continual conversation like a conversation I would have with my husband. I am to talk with him and tell him my inner most thoughts even though I know he knows everything about me including, the hairs on my head, he desires for me to long to be with him. I don't just want to call on him in my hour of trouble, but I want to know him to the point that I have a prayer for him on my tongue every minute of everyday. I want him to know I love him regardless of the circumstances in my life.
It is so awesome to have a Father who loves us regardless if we can play ball or not, he has plays (his word) , and we just have to walk with him and follow his directions. He will welcome us with open arms.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Please comment....
I have noticed that I have several more hits than I usually do!!!...Please comment me or email me I would love to meet you. The Lord has really laid it upon my heart to be deeper in my blogs that I might me a witness and a blessing to others during this season of waiting. He is so good, and faithful. Would love to hear from you.
my email...babyrn28@hotmail.com
my email...babyrn28@hotmail.com
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The season of change
I spent a lot of time over our Christmas break downloading songs on my Ipod. I love music and what it does for the soul. I love it with a passion, but I have not one lick of talent in that area. I wish I did. Music ministers to my very soul, it takes me "away", and lets me imagine myself with the Lord. I have often spent times of prayer with the Lord, and sung him "made" up versions of praise. I know he loves it, I am his daughter. He takes what is not so lovely and makes into beautiful music. I have a voice only my Father could LOVE, and he does. It has been my secret prayer that God would give me musical talent. I still can't figure out how I can be a preacher, and have not one ounce of musical ability....LOL. Oh well, he knows.
Anyhoo, I have had the most amazing days since the first of the year. I didn't say they were easy, but they have been amazing. I have battled physically the ill effects of the birth control pill, and the real "me" was crying out to God to let him know this ill, grouchy person was really not me, but sheerly the devil trying to overtake my body (j/k). We, females have to go through so much, but what we endure is so worth the outcome. I have pondered on the things that have transpired in our lives over the last year, and you know, God is so faithful. Has it been easy, NO!!! Have I cried more tears than I ever have before, YES!!! Have I ever been any more broken than I have been, NO!! You know what?? I appreciate the pain.
I love the Lord more now than I ever have before. I love him when I cry because of the death of my baby. I love him when ministry opportunities are not there. I love him when the birth control pill transforms me into a mean mean woman. YOu know what, it isn't about any circumstance in my life.....He is and always will be God. I will stand at many season changes, and he will always be there. A FAITHFUL, LOVING, and AMAZING FATHER!!!
Even in the midst of my gut wrenching cries out to him, he takes it, and he loves me as his daughter that I am. He has never once turned his back on me, ever. Has the enemy tried to convince me that he has forgotten about the dreams that he has placed into my heart, YES. Am I persuaded to believe these at times? Tempted to quit? YES, YES, YES!!.... But somehow the awesomeness of his Spirit puts his arm around me to nudge me to move forward, even blindly....and I walk. Do I know where I am going? Nope, sure don't, but I am walking with the love of my life. Does it matter the season? No, when it is winter he gives me a covering. When it is Spring, he gives me an umbrella. When it is Summer, he fans me. When it is Fall, he gives the vision to see such beauty in the midst of the fallen.
I understand a lot more now that I have been through such brokeness. I can't really put into words what the Lord has done for me exactly, but I know a complete transformation has been done. I know longer wonder how things are going to take place, I just know if he said it, he will do it. I must keep my hands busy about his business, and trust he will lead the way.
I still have dreams that God has placed inside of me that have not waivered. I must step as he steps, and know we will reach the destination one day. I must obey his every command to acheive my heart's desire in him. I desire to be used of him in such a mighty way. I want to be the minister of the word he has called me to be. I want to be used as a vessel of honor to see his sick, broken, and abandoned children come home and be healed. Most of the time the journey is what it is about, we never really arrive at completion. We just enter and exit seasons of change. Are we different after coming out of each season? We should be transformed and ready for the new one.
I have thought a lot about our next child. Will the Lord allow me to have another? I hope so. What kind of journey will it be? I am not sure. How long will it take? I am not sure of that either. Is God present through it all? YES. I have braced myself in the Spirit for whatever may come my way through the next chapter. I am settled within myself to trust the Lord. I love him, and I know he has my seasons planned out for the betterment of his kingdom. I am a child of the King, and I know he has a purpose for everything. I just have to trust and not let anything hinder my commitment to him. Not trusting is the same as having a lack of faith, and it is such an insult to our Father to not trust him. His word says it, His Spirit says it, and we must march along with our hand in our Fathers as we journey through this thing called life!!! Does it hand us some knocks? YES....but God gives us cushion!!!!
Anyhoo, I have had the most amazing days since the first of the year. I didn't say they were easy, but they have been amazing. I have battled physically the ill effects of the birth control pill, and the real "me" was crying out to God to let him know this ill, grouchy person was really not me, but sheerly the devil trying to overtake my body (j/k). We, females have to go through so much, but what we endure is so worth the outcome. I have pondered on the things that have transpired in our lives over the last year, and you know, God is so faithful. Has it been easy, NO!!! Have I cried more tears than I ever have before, YES!!! Have I ever been any more broken than I have been, NO!! You know what?? I appreciate the pain.
I love the Lord more now than I ever have before. I love him when I cry because of the death of my baby. I love him when ministry opportunities are not there. I love him when the birth control pill transforms me into a mean mean woman. YOu know what, it isn't about any circumstance in my life.....He is and always will be God. I will stand at many season changes, and he will always be there. A FAITHFUL, LOVING, and AMAZING FATHER!!!
Even in the midst of my gut wrenching cries out to him, he takes it, and he loves me as his daughter that I am. He has never once turned his back on me, ever. Has the enemy tried to convince me that he has forgotten about the dreams that he has placed into my heart, YES. Am I persuaded to believe these at times? Tempted to quit? YES, YES, YES!!.... But somehow the awesomeness of his Spirit puts his arm around me to nudge me to move forward, even blindly....and I walk. Do I know where I am going? Nope, sure don't, but I am walking with the love of my life. Does it matter the season? No, when it is winter he gives me a covering. When it is Spring, he gives me an umbrella. When it is Summer, he fans me. When it is Fall, he gives the vision to see such beauty in the midst of the fallen.
I understand a lot more now that I have been through such brokeness. I can't really put into words what the Lord has done for me exactly, but I know a complete transformation has been done. I know longer wonder how things are going to take place, I just know if he said it, he will do it. I must keep my hands busy about his business, and trust he will lead the way.
I still have dreams that God has placed inside of me that have not waivered. I must step as he steps, and know we will reach the destination one day. I must obey his every command to acheive my heart's desire in him. I desire to be used of him in such a mighty way. I want to be the minister of the word he has called me to be. I want to be used as a vessel of honor to see his sick, broken, and abandoned children come home and be healed. Most of the time the journey is what it is about, we never really arrive at completion. We just enter and exit seasons of change. Are we different after coming out of each season? We should be transformed and ready for the new one.
I have thought a lot about our next child. Will the Lord allow me to have another? I hope so. What kind of journey will it be? I am not sure. How long will it take? I am not sure of that either. Is God present through it all? YES. I have braced myself in the Spirit for whatever may come my way through the next chapter. I am settled within myself to trust the Lord. I love him, and I know he has my seasons planned out for the betterment of his kingdom. I am a child of the King, and I know he has a purpose for everything. I just have to trust and not let anything hinder my commitment to him. Not trusting is the same as having a lack of faith, and it is such an insult to our Father to not trust him. His word says it, His Spirit says it, and we must march along with our hand in our Fathers as we journey through this thing called life!!! Does it hand us some knocks? YES....but God gives us cushion!!!!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Good Grief, go away already...
It has been a very busy couple of weeks...Kids to school, me to work, get the kids from school, do homework, cook, clean and do it again the next day. As time has ticked on, I have been doing weight watchers while taking my birth control. Boy, I am glad I have. I am NOT a fan of "the pill". Tonight celebrates my last pill, and good riddens. I am finishing up my last pack that the doctor recommended I take to help regulate me after the traumatic ordeal in November. I am hardly ever negative, but I HATE, LOATHE, AND DESPISE THE PILL. I am grumpy, bloated, hungry all of the time, no energy, and just not myself. I have only lost 4lbs in 6 weeks, and I have stayed within my points, exercised cardio 30-45 min 4-5 days a week. I am anxious to see how I do coming off of the mean stuff. I feel like I have worked for nothing, and it is so very frustrating.
Other decisions weigh heavy on us as well. Do we start trying right away? That brings a whole other bundle of issues. I think to myself, "How will I react if I see a + pregnancy test"? I have to really trust the Lord because it is so taxing to think I will ever have to go through what I have been through again. ONe step at a time is all I can do. I am ready for another baby, but am I ready for another pregnancy??? We will see.
Other decisions weigh heavy on us as well. Do we start trying right away? That brings a whole other bundle of issues. I think to myself, "How will I react if I see a + pregnancy test"? I have to really trust the Lord because it is so taxing to think I will ever have to go through what I have been through again. ONe step at a time is all I can do. I am ready for another baby, but am I ready for another pregnancy??? We will see.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
It has been awhile..:)
I have been blogger absent, haven't I? We had a wonderful holiday season, and just enjoyed being a family. It was so nice to see a New year come, whew? I was ready in many ways to let 2009 go. Many mistakes made, and many lessons learned. I love clean slates...you know like fresh notebook paper, and new pens. I have been on Weight Watchers I think for about 5 weeks now. I have done pretty well, wish it would melt away. I think that the birth control pills the MD has me on is slowing the process. I crave food all of the time. I guess I would be gaining if I hadn't started WW.I was talking to one of my closest friends today, and I said "I am having the hardest time liking anyone right now..LOL..I can't wait to see what menopause is like." I can just tell the difference, and I have never liked hormone therapy. I find myself getting irritated at the least little thing, poor hubby and kids. I do have to pray extra hard to keep a check on my attitude. Thank God for his precious grace.
We are almost to the point where we can try again. I wish I could say I was excited, and I am, but in a reserved sort of way. I think the only relief will be, is when I hold our next one in my arms. I don't like the idea of starting over, but new beginnings are a good thing. I know the next positive pregnancy test will bring a new set of challenges, but at least I have a OB that will listen to my concerns. I know, she knows what it is like to lose a baby. I know that if I am scared, she will do whatever it takes to ease that fear. Be it an ultrasound or a listening ear. I was so sick with the last one, and I pray that the next one will be different. I don't know the future, I have placed it in the Lord's hands. Sometimes that is the hardest thing, is the surrender. Kind of a theme in my life, huh? The Road to Surrender is a lonely, dusty, crazy path, but is well worth the intimacy with the Lord.
I know he knows all and sees all. I don't blame the past MD for the heartache I have had (although I did at first, but through much prayer, my heart changed). When I surrendered my heart and life to the Lord, it was everything. I believe he has every one of my steps ordered, and he will make good of the bad. He is that good of a God. I am not saying he caused my baby to die, but life is life since the fall. When Adam and Eve sinned, it caused sin to engulf mankind. The word tells us that it rains on the just and the unjust, and that life is full of seasons.
My true heart's desire is to be pleasing to him, and a complete witness.
I do find myself yearning for a new child. I have healed from the previous loss, have I forgotten, NO, but I have closure. I know that there is nothing I can do about it, but move on. I cannot bring that precious child back, and I must look ahead. I am very very thankful for the two I have, and I do not discount the fact that I am a mother. They are beautiful children that bring joy to my life, but I feel there is one more to be added to this crazy life and household.
I will continue to do Weight Watchers as long as I can. Even if I get pregnant, I hope to just add extra points for the pregnancy time. I just like the idea of writing my food down, and keeping track of my eating habits. I have also started exercising again, and I feel like I am getting back to who I was before I let myself go. The weight has crept up over the past 2 years, but I am determined to gain "myself" back and lose the weight. I like order and organization. Although, I cannot keep my car clean. Sorry, random thought, but true. If someone looked into my car, they would think I was a complete hoarder, and that my house was super disgusting...lol. It isn't at all. I need to add that to my New Year's goals....keep car clean..LOL
I am taking it one day at a time. I am not yet at the trying point, so I will not worry about that. I have to talk myself through things, and the Lord gives me strength to do so. One step at a time...One step at a time...I like to run ahead in my thoughts...What if this, What if that...It is a constant battle. The miscarriage really messed with my "fertility" thought process. The innocence of pregnancy is gone. I hate it too..I hate that it now carries baggage. I must place that in the Lord's hands. I am just heavy hearted with many things, and I have to, one by one,hand them over. Well, I won't be so long between posts like I have been, but life is busy with a 9 and 6 year old at home during Christmas break, so I hope to stay up to date.
We are almost to the point where we can try again. I wish I could say I was excited, and I am, but in a reserved sort of way. I think the only relief will be, is when I hold our next one in my arms. I don't like the idea of starting over, but new beginnings are a good thing. I know the next positive pregnancy test will bring a new set of challenges, but at least I have a OB that will listen to my concerns. I know, she knows what it is like to lose a baby. I know that if I am scared, she will do whatever it takes to ease that fear. Be it an ultrasound or a listening ear. I was so sick with the last one, and I pray that the next one will be different. I don't know the future, I have placed it in the Lord's hands. Sometimes that is the hardest thing, is the surrender. Kind of a theme in my life, huh? The Road to Surrender is a lonely, dusty, crazy path, but is well worth the intimacy with the Lord.
I know he knows all and sees all. I don't blame the past MD for the heartache I have had (although I did at first, but through much prayer, my heart changed). When I surrendered my heart and life to the Lord, it was everything. I believe he has every one of my steps ordered, and he will make good of the bad. He is that good of a God. I am not saying he caused my baby to die, but life is life since the fall. When Adam and Eve sinned, it caused sin to engulf mankind. The word tells us that it rains on the just and the unjust, and that life is full of seasons.
My true heart's desire is to be pleasing to him, and a complete witness.
I do find myself yearning for a new child. I have healed from the previous loss, have I forgotten, NO, but I have closure. I know that there is nothing I can do about it, but move on. I cannot bring that precious child back, and I must look ahead. I am very very thankful for the two I have, and I do not discount the fact that I am a mother. They are beautiful children that bring joy to my life, but I feel there is one more to be added to this crazy life and household.
I will continue to do Weight Watchers as long as I can. Even if I get pregnant, I hope to just add extra points for the pregnancy time. I just like the idea of writing my food down, and keeping track of my eating habits. I have also started exercising again, and I feel like I am getting back to who I was before I let myself go. The weight has crept up over the past 2 years, but I am determined to gain "myself" back and lose the weight. I like order and organization. Although, I cannot keep my car clean. Sorry, random thought, but true. If someone looked into my car, they would think I was a complete hoarder, and that my house was super disgusting...lol. It isn't at all. I need to add that to my New Year's goals....keep car clean..LOL
I am taking it one day at a time. I am not yet at the trying point, so I will not worry about that. I have to talk myself through things, and the Lord gives me strength to do so. One step at a time...One step at a time...I like to run ahead in my thoughts...What if this, What if that...It is a constant battle. The miscarriage really messed with my "fertility" thought process. The innocence of pregnancy is gone. I hate it too..I hate that it now carries baggage. I must place that in the Lord's hands. I am just heavy hearted with many things, and I have to, one by one,hand them over. Well, I won't be so long between posts like I have been, but life is busy with a 9 and 6 year old at home during Christmas break, so I hope to stay up to date.
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