God has been leading me to this point for so long. I have got to learn to trust him. I do trust him, but always with a little twinge of worry. My goal is to get to the point where I trust him with NO worry. I am getting there. I am really bad about when I get something in my mind that I "obsess" about it, and I want to talk about it a lot. I feel sorry for my hubby and buddies, but Good news I am getting better. I have got to learn that if God is leading me in a certain direction, he will pave the way. The enemy steals so much of our time and mind by making us run scenarios in our head. Well, wonder if this happens, then what? What if it is all me, and God really didn't mean for it to happen? It becomes a time where we become trapped. If we are not whole heartedly placing it in God's hands, we are not trusting him. I am so preaching to myself.
There comes a time when we have to recognize that the enemy wants nothing more than to distract us with anything and everything so we will not effective for the Kingdom of God. It steals our praise, Joy, time, mood, and sleep. When I feel an "obsession" coming on, I have to pray and cast it to the Lord and pray for deliverance. The bad part is when we do not recognize it....and it becomes the source of all of our energy. We must learn to walk in his footsteps, and constantly hand it over. Being able to move past situations as we hand it over, is a great step in the right direction to complete victory and freedom in the Lord.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
All the pieces are floating....
It has been one of those weeks or should I say months...or several months? I am definitely in the desert on the way to my destiny. It has been the most difficult past several months. At times, I feel I have the complete inability to carry such a load. I know that the Lord is right with me, and sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much.
I can explain how I am feeling by giving an illustration. I have so many pieces of promise that God has given to me pertaining to my life through prayer. Imagine those pieces floating around. They have no place to fall yet, and none of it makes sense. I will be glad when these pieces start coming together. I know what God wants to do, but that is it. I have no more information. At times, those days become very taxing on me emotionally and physically. I am not whining, I know what it takes to be a sacrifice before the Lord and some days it is just plain hard.
I have struggled this week. This week I would be 38 weeks, and more than likely being induced with our precious baby. I have shed many tears longing to hold my sweet boy. I know God has a plan, but I wanted to hold him, bathe him, and get to know him. I have 2 beautiful children here, and I do not take it for granted. I love and adore my sweet boy and girl I have. I just grieve because I wanted 3. Just because I have 2 here with me doesn't mean it makes losing our baby any less. It is like there is one person missing. We had a name, and were dreaming and making plans for him to meet us. All of us were looking forward to holding him.
I don't ever pretend to understand any of this life, I just know God promises to never put more on us than we can bear. I am walking through this journey with my hand in his. He never said I couldn't cry or ask him why? I can be "Me" at the foot of the cross. He created me, flaws and all. I have to know that he LOVES me regardless.
I think so many times we feel like we have to wear a mask, and be presentable before the Lord. We must present ourselves as having it all together. WE are lying when we don't let him in to our imperfect world. We must let him in the broken places, and yet he may not fix them immediately, he is there to carry us. When you go deeper in the walk with him, and desire more of him, the testing time comes. The testing time is probably the hardest place to be. No answers, No explanations, Makes absolutely no sense, but the only thing we can do is walk and keep doing so, blindly. It isn't easy not knowing what the future holds, but we serve the future holder. Things may not go our way, but when we commit to him, we must trust and be transparent.
The hardest thing is being transparent. In this world, if you admit weakness you are considered a failure. This is true in the "church" world, as well. In the the world's view, we must pull ourselves up by the boot straps, and go on. I disagree with that. There are times when your heart is in a million pieces and the only thing that can be done is "face in the carpet praying". God wants our transparency, he wants us to be real. So, I think I have accomplished that part, and have carpet burns on my face to prove it..LOL. I am not super-woman, and I don't have it all together. I need him more now than I ever have, I sure hope the puzzle pieces come together soon.
I can explain how I am feeling by giving an illustration. I have so many pieces of promise that God has given to me pertaining to my life through prayer. Imagine those pieces floating around. They have no place to fall yet, and none of it makes sense. I will be glad when these pieces start coming together. I know what God wants to do, but that is it. I have no more information. At times, those days become very taxing on me emotionally and physically. I am not whining, I know what it takes to be a sacrifice before the Lord and some days it is just plain hard.
I have struggled this week. This week I would be 38 weeks, and more than likely being induced with our precious baby. I have shed many tears longing to hold my sweet boy. I know God has a plan, but I wanted to hold him, bathe him, and get to know him. I have 2 beautiful children here, and I do not take it for granted. I love and adore my sweet boy and girl I have. I just grieve because I wanted 3. Just because I have 2 here with me doesn't mean it makes losing our baby any less. It is like there is one person missing. We had a name, and were dreaming and making plans for him to meet us. All of us were looking forward to holding him.
I don't ever pretend to understand any of this life, I just know God promises to never put more on us than we can bear. I am walking through this journey with my hand in his. He never said I couldn't cry or ask him why? I can be "Me" at the foot of the cross. He created me, flaws and all. I have to know that he LOVES me regardless.
I think so many times we feel like we have to wear a mask, and be presentable before the Lord. We must present ourselves as having it all together. WE are lying when we don't let him in to our imperfect world. We must let him in the broken places, and yet he may not fix them immediately, he is there to carry us. When you go deeper in the walk with him, and desire more of him, the testing time comes. The testing time is probably the hardest place to be. No answers, No explanations, Makes absolutely no sense, but the only thing we can do is walk and keep doing so, blindly. It isn't easy not knowing what the future holds, but we serve the future holder. Things may not go our way, but when we commit to him, we must trust and be transparent.
The hardest thing is being transparent. In this world, if you admit weakness you are considered a failure. This is true in the "church" world, as well. In the the world's view, we must pull ourselves up by the boot straps, and go on. I disagree with that. There are times when your heart is in a million pieces and the only thing that can be done is "face in the carpet praying". God wants our transparency, he wants us to be real. So, I think I have accomplished that part, and have carpet burns on my face to prove it..LOL. I am not super-woman, and I don't have it all together. I need him more now than I ever have, I sure hope the puzzle pieces come together soon.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The Chore of Standing Still
Ok, So I admit at times in this Christian walk I become very hyper. I mean why can't things "hurry up"..LOL. I know, I know the world doesn't revolve around me, but come on, cut me a break. I think my greatest chore in life is learning to sit still, and wait in the Lord. I am not talking about a baby, but in all aspects of my life. I am a very "have to organize my thoughts and life person." I like to have a plan in place. If I don't have an answer it is like a puzzle piece is missing, and I become anxious. I know what the scripture says, and it says to Be anxious for nothing, but in all things by prayer and fasting bring it to the Lord. OK, that's easy, right....NOT...I have no trouble going in the prayer closet taking out my baggage, opening it up...and removing all of my days issues... When I have my prayer time with the Lord I promise him I will let him handle my issues. Do you know what I am guilty of many times? After I am done praying, I open my bag back up and begin putting those issues right back into the place I removed them from, and I carry them out with me. Now, that is not what I call success.
So I guess my chore this week is to leave the closet with an empty bag. Wow, how can that not be an easy task? Not sure, but I am learning how to do it. I am learning that regardless of my circumstances, I can leave a bag full of "junk" at his feet. The Lord wants my junk. He tells us that "All who are weary and heavy burdened come before him, he will give us rest and will make our yolk easy and our burdens light." You don't build muscle by carrying extra baggage, by the way. What happens is that it becomes so heavy that it begins to break us down, and all we have is our baggage. I am learing in this walk that I am not exempt from these challenges. I am so glad he is with me through it all, and he wants me to rest. Gosh, I love him!!!!
So I guess my chore this week is to leave the closet with an empty bag. Wow, how can that not be an easy task? Not sure, but I am learning how to do it. I am learning that regardless of my circumstances, I can leave a bag full of "junk" at his feet. The Lord wants my junk. He tells us that "All who are weary and heavy burdened come before him, he will give us rest and will make our yolk easy and our burdens light." You don't build muscle by carrying extra baggage, by the way. What happens is that it becomes so heavy that it begins to break us down, and all we have is our baggage. I am learing in this walk that I am not exempt from these challenges. I am so glad he is with me through it all, and he wants me to rest. Gosh, I love him!!!!
Friday, February 5, 2010
It has been 52 days...
Well, I have been doing WW for 52 days now..LOL..I only know this because I have charted it on a graph and it tells me the total days. I have lost a total of 8lbs. Gosh, it seems like it took FOREVER. I don't think of it as a diet though, and that is what helps. I have completely changed my way of eating. Am I tempted to eat a whole bag of cookies and chips, YES!!!! I really have learned what self control is all about. It is stopping, and taking a deep breath and thinking about it before you do it. I know when I have a whole bag of chips in my hand and I want to eat it all, I just go back in my mind to how I felt 2.5 months ago. It is not worth it. I do eat chips, but not so many. I have had Krystal, Long John Silvers, Zaxby's....I pick a restaurant a week where I want to splurge with my flex points.
I look at it as the preparation process in more ways than one. I know that the Lord states in his word that we are to have self-control. I know this means every aspect of our lives. Be it spending money, eating, or any other splurge. We are to have perfect balance. I knew I was out of balance before I started eating better. I am not perfect everyday, but I am making steps to change. I know 8lbs doesn't seem to be a lot, but I am smaller now than I was when I got pregnant with the baby we lost. I am more active. I am able to do 45 mins on the treadmill 5 days a week. I have made it my mission to get my body back to "me" before I try to carry another baby. I feel like it has been such a cleansing process. I have spent the last (almost) 3 months reclaiming "ME". It has helped tremendously for me to refocus on the LORD, my family, and my Physical body.
I can look back over the last few months and I can say that I appreciate the storm. I know who my God is, now more than ever. He has carried me through this dark time, and has been amazing through it all. He has been steadfast beside me through my brokeness and I PRAISE him. Another baby or not, he is still God. He never changes, and he never will. He is my rock and fortress, in whom I can trust. I have learned through the miscarriage that things in life come unexpectedly, but he is there to catch me when I fall. I know that he is the giver and taker of life!! I feel like now that I am on the full mend. I am ready to take on whatever life hands me, but I don't and can't do it alone. I still have days when I miss the baby (as in a previous blog), but I trust God that he has an amazing plan for us.
I crave to be in his presence. I long to meet with him in prayer. It is so awesome to find a place of prayer, and hide with him!!! Psalm 91
I look at it as the preparation process in more ways than one. I know that the Lord states in his word that we are to have self-control. I know this means every aspect of our lives. Be it spending money, eating, or any other splurge. We are to have perfect balance. I knew I was out of balance before I started eating better. I am not perfect everyday, but I am making steps to change. I know 8lbs doesn't seem to be a lot, but I am smaller now than I was when I got pregnant with the baby we lost. I am more active. I am able to do 45 mins on the treadmill 5 days a week. I have made it my mission to get my body back to "me" before I try to carry another baby. I feel like it has been such a cleansing process. I have spent the last (almost) 3 months reclaiming "ME". It has helped tremendously for me to refocus on the LORD, my family, and my Physical body.
I can look back over the last few months and I can say that I appreciate the storm. I know who my God is, now more than ever. He has carried me through this dark time, and has been amazing through it all. He has been steadfast beside me through my brokeness and I PRAISE him. Another baby or not, he is still God. He never changes, and he never will. He is my rock and fortress, in whom I can trust. I have learned through the miscarriage that things in life come unexpectedly, but he is there to catch me when I fall. I know that he is the giver and taker of life!! I feel like now that I am on the full mend. I am ready to take on whatever life hands me, but I don't and can't do it alone. I still have days when I miss the baby (as in a previous blog), but I trust God that he has an amazing plan for us.
I crave to be in his presence. I long to meet with him in prayer. It is so awesome to find a place of prayer, and hide with him!!! Psalm 91
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