Busy Time of Year, isn't it?

Well, I haven't posted in a week because I have had NO time to sit down. We have been running, running and more running. My rugrats have kept me busy. Last Monday, my son had basketball practice, then Tuesday he had to sing at the Read House (a very beautiful hotel) with his school choir, Wednesday was church, Thursday he had a basketball game, Friday I had to speak and attend ourLadies Christmas Party at church, Saturday was my weight watchers weigh in and my son had another basketball game, and Sunday was church in the morning, my sister's birthday party all day, and then back to church that night. I am also working 37.5 hours a week in the middle of all of that.

I am very proud to say I lost 2lbs my first week back to weight watchers. I feel very accomplished because we had 2 goodie days at work. When I say goodie days, I mean 2 long tables put together FULL of everything you could imagine of holiday food. Then, I had a party Friday night that was full of goodies there as well. I go to weight watchers on Saturdays, so we will see how I did this week.

I do enjoy being busy during this time of year, but sometimes it becomes completely overwhelming. I have had to spend a lot of time in prayer to keep my attitude joyous because if not, the stress can take over. I do feel so much better since I have changed my diet and I have been exercising 5-6 days a week 30-40 each time. I am doing my best to let go of the past, and look to the future. I feel like as I lose weight my past is melting away, and I am making a much healthier home for my next little one.

I am continuing on the low dose birth control, and it has seemed to help tremendously. I am relieved that I have a break, and I don't have to worry about trying for a "baby" again for a little while. I am able to get myself together, and be ready and whole the next time. My heart still yearns for another one, but I know it will happen in due time. I need to get myself back before I can house another life. I want to be completely whole, physically, emotionally, and spiritually before we proceed. I do have scars on my heart pertaining to this last incident. I lost my faith in the medical system, in which I am apart of. I know mistakes can happen, but unmentioned things were handled very flippantly. I just have to pray everyday that God gives me the strength to heal more and more as time goes on.

You know for some reason my heart aches for another son. I am not sure why. I absolutely adore my two I have. My daughter is an absolute JOY to have. My son is also a JOY. I think the reason why my heart yearns for another son is because I really believe with everything that I have that baby we lost was a boy. When I look at my son now, I wonder would his brother have looked like him, acted (OH MY!!!) like him, or played ball like him? It can be very consuming at times, but I allow myself to go there as I need to. God is still Good and faithful even through the roughest of times.

WEll, I will keep posting as I have the time. Merry Christmas to all who read!!!

The weekend flew by...

I was very tearful on Friday, it was one of those very emotional days. One of my very good friends had her baby. It was a very sore reminder that I am NOT pregnant and I will not having a baby in 11 weeks. I am thankful that the sad days have became minimal, but there really isn't a day that goes by that I don't long for my baby. I will always miss him. I will always feel like something from me is missing, no matter how many more children we will have. I am learning to step as the Lord steps, and learning to trust him. It has been a hard lesson to learn, and I am sure I will need remedial courses every now and then.


The weekend went rather well. We spent Friday night at home most of the night after we met my mother in law for dinner at our favorite mexican restaurant. On Saturday we woke up to the most amazing snowfall we have seen in years. It was gorgeous. We had to get up early and have our son to his first real school basketball game, and we were able to enjoy the snow for a few minutes. I took pictures, and I am so glad I did because it was gone by noon that day. My little man did pretty good in his game. I get so nervous for him because he is so new at it, and there are several boys on the team that are experienced. I could tell he was nervous, but I am encouraging him that he can do it, just to keep trying. He does have athletic ability, but he has to believe in himself. I am learning to let the coach do the coaching, and we parents need to do the loving and encouraging. My sweet daughter wants to play softball this year, so I am anxious to see her play.

I did attend Weight Watchers on Saturday morning, and it was good to be back. I have gained about 14lbs from my goal weight over the year and a half. I expected it to be that amount of weight gain. I am okay with it. I am at a place where I am so glad to find myself again. Whew....long time a coming. Through this grief I have depended on others to help me, and they have. I have now reached a point where I am ready to fly solo again, me and the Lord. He is the only one who understands who I really am and my needs. I feel like the top layer is coming off, and I am getting to that place of healing. It is a slow process and I am not rushing into it. I am taking very cautious steps forward to regain my identity. It is time to pull myself up by the boot straps, and start hiking again.

I want to be in a place when we try again, that all signs of this last loss are gone. I want to be a new person, and be able to start fresh. I guess you could say Saturday was a new chapter for me. I am going to take the next several months and seek the Lord for complete healing for my mind, body, and soul. I know we will know the right time, and until then I will continue to march. My physical body is no where near ready to carry a new pregnancy. I am not mentally ready to embark on the journey just yet. I also need to spend some time with the Lord resting in him before any major decisons are made. My arms to ache though, they yearn for another baby. I just know that waiting is the best thing right now. Spring time seems like the perfect time to try, it is a sign of freshness and life. Although, it may take longer than Spring time to conceive.....it is a good place to start.

Can't wait until this passes

I have a good week so far, so glad it is Friday. I have been really really exhausted. I am not sure why, but I am. I am still having side effects from my last D and C, and it has been discussed with my MD. I have continued to cramp and have spotting and I am 3 weeks post op. She gave me one of 2 options...one is to wait it out, and the second one is to go on a low dose pill for 2 months. I opted for the pill. I really in my heart am not sure I am ready to get pregnant again right now, even though we got the okay to try after one cycle. In a sense, I do not trust my uterus. It is kind of sad I don't trust my body at this time. Things emotionally have improved, by that I mean I don't have a down day everyday. It is sporadic now, but I still despise the grieving the process. Today is day four on the pill, and I really can't tell any side effects as of yet. Unless, exhaustion is one of them.

I have made a committment to myself that I am going to think of "me" for a few months, and then make a decision. I am a life time member at weight watchers, and have not been in over a year. I have gained weight, and I feel miserable. I am going tomorrow, and going to recommit. I will continue on the birth control and take my prenatal vitamin. I am wanting to get back to the way I was, and start over in the Spring. This last episode has really knocked me backwards. I feel like I have lost my identity in all of this. So my journey for the next few months is to find "me" again. I have a tendacy to feel guilty when I do something for myself, like I am undeserving of what I do, but I can tell you I AM SPENT. My goal is to attend weight watchers meetings weekly, exercise 5 days a week, and become a healthier mom.

I am really at a road of indecision right now. I don't ever ever want to experience the heartache like I have, I guess you could say I am "gun shy". I have to work my way there, and I am praying the Lord gives me strength. I am also not a quitter, and I never quit in the middle of a battle. I guess I am going to take it one step at a time, or one week at at time. I am on the birth control for the next 8 weeks, so I have 8 weeks off to be concerned with myself. When I say that I don't mean I will self absorb and go crazy, but I am carving out time for me. The only person that can do that is me, and I am doing it now.

I have seen many blessings through all of this, and I thank God for them. I am just taking a breather for now, and I am going to regroup. Our whole household needs to regroup, because as we all know..."When momma isn't happy, no one is happy."...